...and not a one for me.
A girl I used to babysit had a baby boy today. I'm happy for her...really. I'm happy for all the girls at church who have just had babies or will be having babies in the next few weeks (and there are a LOT of them).
I'm also incredibly jealous of them, which I know is wrong. I'm depressed that I'm not among them. I'll even admit that I'm angry (at...Mike? ...men? ...God? ...myself?) that I'm not among them.
I know that nobody ever said that life was fair, but I hate that it's so blatantly UNfair sometimes. I LOVE babies...I love playing with them, holding them while they sleep, watching them grow up & develop personalities & learn new things...I love reading to them and singing to them and rocking them to sleep. I love getting to know them when they start talking and playing. I love taking care of them, even when they're sick or stubborn or screaming.
I've wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember. I'm thrilled...THRILLED...that things in my body have changed such that I CAN have children now. I'm glad that I didn't bear children for Mike...for the sake of the babies...that would have been awful for them. How could I have ever explained to them that their dad wasn't around because he's in jail for being involved with child pornography? What a terrible thing for them to live with! I'm glad, for their sake, that God stopped my cycle and packed an extra hundred pounds onto my body (so fast that I have stretchmarks) and in those ways prevented me from being able to get pregnant. But now that the first of those two has reversed, and the second is in the process of reversing, hope and desire have become mixed with this terrible sadness. I have the ability as far as my own body goes, but no husband. I don't even have any romantic prospects at this point.
My divorce recovery class is even depressing in that respect...all the other people in the class have kids already & none of them are young enough or interested in having kids in the future...and I keep hearing about how long it takes to recover from divorce and how they've all been so blessed to have kids & how divorce in some ways was a blessing in disguise because it gave them all this time on their own with the kids. I keep hearing people who've married again after divorce talk about how the ten years (somehow, they always say ten) between marriages was such a great time...I don't want to wait ten years. In ten years, I'll be 36 and nearing the end of the time when it's really safe to bear children, and what if we have trouble?
I HATE this. I hate feeling like this. I hate hope mixing with hopelessness. I hate getting choked up every time I hear about a new pregnancy or birth. I hate buying baby clothes and baby toys for a thousand other people. I hate that holding a baby now shoves a dagger into my heart and a knot into my throat, even though it puts a smile on my face.
I'm going to stop writing now, because I know that anything else to come from my fingertips will be more of the same stuff & if you know me at all, you know all of this anyway...but if you actually read this far, please pray for me.
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2 comments:
oh my dear, dear friend. I love you. I'll be praying for you.
Sweet Penny! I'm so sorry! I will definitely pray for you.
I know this is not the same, but maybe it will help some if I share this...
Before I met Anthony, I really didn't date. Like, hardly at all. He was really my first serious boyfriend, and now he's my husband (praise God!). You probably remember that we met in medical school. So, I spent all of college very single, while LOTS of girls around me were in serious relationships and often getting married. I longed for that, too. Anyway, I did a Bible study called "Lady In Waiting", and although it addressed many issues about being single, the one thing that stood out to me, even after all these years, is that the years you have to yourself are precious. It encouraged me to use that time--when the only person I had to take care of was myself--to really focus on my relationship with the Lord. Looking back now, I see the profound wisdom in that advice. It's still hard, and it doesn't take away the hurt, but I believe that God is faithful, and if you "Delight yourself in the Lord, he will give you the desires of your heart". Delight yourself in Him. Draw closer to Him every day. Use your time wisely. One day when you do have children, you will be so thankful that you used this time to make your foundation solid. Because once you've got the little munchkins, it is a struggle to make time to be in the Word! Hope that helps a little. Love you!
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