...and not a one for me.
A girl I used to babysit had a baby boy today. I'm happy for her...really. I'm happy for all the girls at church who have just had babies or will be having babies in the next few weeks (and there are a LOT of them).
I'm also incredibly jealous of them, which I know is wrong. I'm depressed that I'm not among them. I'll even admit that I'm angry (at...Mike? ...men? ...God? ...myself?) that I'm not among them.
I know that nobody ever said that life was fair, but I hate that it's so blatantly UNfair sometimes. I LOVE babies...I love playing with them, holding them while they sleep, watching them grow up & develop personalities & learn new things...I love reading to them and singing to them and rocking them to sleep. I love getting to know them when they start talking and playing. I love taking care of them, even when they're sick or stubborn or screaming.
I've wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember. I'm thrilled...THRILLED...that things in my body have changed such that I CAN have children now. I'm glad that I didn't bear children for Mike...for the sake of the babies...that would have been awful for them. How could I have ever explained to them that their dad wasn't around because he's in jail for being involved with child pornography? What a terrible thing for them to live with! I'm glad, for their sake, that God stopped my cycle and packed an extra hundred pounds onto my body (so fast that I have stretchmarks) and in those ways prevented me from being able to get pregnant. But now that the first of those two has reversed, and the second is in the process of reversing, hope and desire have become mixed with this terrible sadness. I have the ability as far as my own body goes, but no husband. I don't even have any romantic prospects at this point.
My divorce recovery class is even depressing in that respect...all the other people in the class have kids already & none of them are young enough or interested in having kids in the future...and I keep hearing about how long it takes to recover from divorce and how they've all been so blessed to have kids & how divorce in some ways was a blessing in disguise because it gave them all this time on their own with the kids. I keep hearing people who've married again after divorce talk about how the ten years (somehow, they always say ten) between marriages was such a great time...I don't want to wait ten years. In ten years, I'll be 36 and nearing the end of the time when it's really safe to bear children, and what if we have trouble?
I HATE this. I hate feeling like this. I hate hope mixing with hopelessness. I hate getting choked up every time I hear about a new pregnancy or birth. I hate buying baby clothes and baby toys for a thousand other people. I hate that holding a baby now shoves a dagger into my heart and a knot into my throat, even though it puts a smile on my face.
I'm going to stop writing now, because I know that anything else to come from my fingertips will be more of the same stuff & if you know me at all, you know all of this anyway...but if you actually read this far, please pray for me.
Showing posts with label prayer requests. Show all posts
Showing posts with label prayer requests. Show all posts
Friday, March 26, 2010
Monday, December 21, 2009
A bit of closure
I'm mostly posting this for my own purposes, to document my emotions in this place and time and situation. If you want to read, go ahead, but be warned that it's not likely to be particularly uplifting, and certainly not happy.
Mike's trial was today. He plead guilty and was taken into custody, and his sentencing will be in April. He'll remain in custody until that time.
I've talked to him quite a bit during the last week...probably more than in the last year combined, actually. I wanted to hear from him that he was okay. That he was prepared for what was to come. In spite of everything that happened...everything that went wrong, I DO love him. I'll never stop. I mean, how can I? I once promised my life to him. I don't think that anybody can rightly fault me for taking my life back...for separating myself from his crime...but my separation from it doesn't change the fact of what used to be. I'll always love him, even if I never quite like him again.
I do have faith that he will be a better person on the other side of this thing. I believe that he has the capacity to love far better than he was able to love me while living with his secret. I believe that he'll be able to help somebody if he's willing to.
After the results of the day, I feel like I'm on autopilot. I'm moving and going about my day, but I haven't noticed things. I don't remember my drive home aside from the extra stop to get gas, and even that, I couldn't remember as I was driving away whether I'd paid or not (though, I must have, as it was after dark & a pre-pay pump.) I can only hope that I didn't screw up anything on the books at work...Terry was aware of my state of mind, though, and I think was kinda checking my work in the background. My head knows what happened. My stomach apparently knows what happened. My cats have picked up on something (they haven't left my side since I got back to my apartment.) The emotion hasn't hit yet. And it's kinda weird knowing that and still not feeling it. I'm waiting for the rest of it to fall.
I know it's not going to hit me too badly...it won't be the crippling shock I experienced a little over a year ago, or the grief of divorce. But I imagine it will be an entirely different kind of emotion and thought process than I've previously experienced.
I just got off the phone with Taylor, who went with Mike. Wayne went with him too, and a guy named Dane, who I don't know. I'm so glad that Mike had support. I'm glad he wasn't up there facing this thing without friends. Part of me wishes that I'd been strong enough...courageous enough...to stay with him and give him that kind of support, but I couldn't. And I know that I'm not a lesser person for that...I know I left out of self-preservation, self-defense...I know that if I'd stayed with him, I could never have been a mother. I doubt that I could ever have completely trusted him again. My life would have changed just as drastically as it has now, but would have been much darker. There would have been less hope for real happiness. I think. Anyway...back to Taylor. He said that Mike was at peace. They went to lunch before the trial started, and they laughed together. They had a regular meal between friends. He said that he went in and out of nervousness, but that ultimately, with prayer, he was okay. He was clear-headed and honest with the judge, who from the sound of it was well-respected & perhaps even feared. Taylor kept saying how proud he was of the way Mike handled himself. "He was such a man! He really is a good man, Penni, and you would have been proud of him today." He talked about how gentle Mike was all day. He was describing the Mike that I married. I hope that at the end of this, that Mike is the dominant one again. I pray that the violent, sickly-tempted man I divorced is banished from his body forever. I hope that the man I married gets bigger and stronger until there's no more room for the demon.
Mike's trial was today. He plead guilty and was taken into custody, and his sentencing will be in April. He'll remain in custody until that time.
I've talked to him quite a bit during the last week...probably more than in the last year combined, actually. I wanted to hear from him that he was okay. That he was prepared for what was to come. In spite of everything that happened...everything that went wrong, I DO love him. I'll never stop. I mean, how can I? I once promised my life to him. I don't think that anybody can rightly fault me for taking my life back...for separating myself from his crime...but my separation from it doesn't change the fact of what used to be. I'll always love him, even if I never quite like him again.
I do have faith that he will be a better person on the other side of this thing. I believe that he has the capacity to love far better than he was able to love me while living with his secret. I believe that he'll be able to help somebody if he's willing to.
After the results of the day, I feel like I'm on autopilot. I'm moving and going about my day, but I haven't noticed things. I don't remember my drive home aside from the extra stop to get gas, and even that, I couldn't remember as I was driving away whether I'd paid or not (though, I must have, as it was after dark & a pre-pay pump.) I can only hope that I didn't screw up anything on the books at work...Terry was aware of my state of mind, though, and I think was kinda checking my work in the background. My head knows what happened. My stomach apparently knows what happened. My cats have picked up on something (they haven't left my side since I got back to my apartment.) The emotion hasn't hit yet. And it's kinda weird knowing that and still not feeling it. I'm waiting for the rest of it to fall.
I know it's not going to hit me too badly...it won't be the crippling shock I experienced a little over a year ago, or the grief of divorce. But I imagine it will be an entirely different kind of emotion and thought process than I've previously experienced.
I just got off the phone with Taylor, who went with Mike. Wayne went with him too, and a guy named Dane, who I don't know. I'm so glad that Mike had support. I'm glad he wasn't up there facing this thing without friends. Part of me wishes that I'd been strong enough...courageous enough...to stay with him and give him that kind of support, but I couldn't. And I know that I'm not a lesser person for that...I know I left out of self-preservation, self-defense...I know that if I'd stayed with him, I could never have been a mother. I doubt that I could ever have completely trusted him again. My life would have changed just as drastically as it has now, but would have been much darker. There would have been less hope for real happiness. I think. Anyway...back to Taylor. He said that Mike was at peace. They went to lunch before the trial started, and they laughed together. They had a regular meal between friends. He said that he went in and out of nervousness, but that ultimately, with prayer, he was okay. He was clear-headed and honest with the judge, who from the sound of it was well-respected & perhaps even feared. Taylor kept saying how proud he was of the way Mike handled himself. "He was such a man! He really is a good man, Penni, and you would have been proud of him today." He talked about how gentle Mike was all day. He was describing the Mike that I married. I hope that at the end of this, that Mike is the dominant one again. I pray that the violent, sickly-tempted man I divorced is banished from his body forever. I hope that the man I married gets bigger and stronger until there's no more room for the demon.
Friday, October 9, 2009
What a week!!!
One week ago, Josh, my AMAZING best friend came to visit me! He's my soul-mate, be it romantic or friendship or whatever...he really is! Anyway...his family goes to a cabin in Mountain View, AR, for a few days every year, and he stopped off to stay a night with me in Jonesboro before going on to Searcy to see his family. He drove 17 hours straight, starting at 2 am in Colorado, and arrived at my door at 7:45 last Friday evening. I'd gotten all dolled up...new dress and new shoes...and we went out to dinner at the Fuji Steakhouse, which is a Japanese hibachi restaurant. We had sushi and some of the hibachi stuff, and shared a glass of plum wine, which was quite possibly the best thing I've EVER tasted. My dress was perfect: black, just below the knee, sleeveless, with a cross-over/wrap neckline (I have no idea how to describe the neck...). I usually can't wear that kind of neck, though...I tend to...um...spill out...of them, haha! But this dress fit me absolutely perfectly! It smoothed all my troublesome spots and accentuated my good curves...SO flattering! And I only paid $13 for it! The shoes, though, just might have been my favorite part of the outfit. 3.5" heel, pointed toe (which I usually don't like, but these are actually comfortable!) and the color...Ferrari Red! They've got a pretty little edge detail, too. And Josh has a thing for pretty shoes on a girl ;-) So, when I opened the door when he arrived, we both just kinda grinned at each other for a minute, which was lovely! He gave me a big, LONG awaited hug, and then we went to dinner. After dinner, we came back to my place and talked for a while, and then he picked a movie to watch (Alfred Hitchcock's "Dial 'M' For Murder") which we didn't finish...he'd had a long drive, after all!
We both slept in a bit on Saturday, and then I made breakfast while he made a coffee run for us. We spent the day just kinda lazing around and talking. We spent a few minutes with Jessie, Chris, Casey, and Linda when they came into town, but mostly we just stuck to being the two of us.
Josh and I have talked nearly every day for a year now. I honestly don't know how I would have made it without him...he's been such an incredible friend. And even though this was only maybe the fourth time that we've spent any time face-to-face, it seemed completely natural. It was a BEAUTIFUL weekend!
I rode with him into Searcy on Saturday night, and went to Covenant on Sunday. I love being able to go home to them...there's not much about Searcy that I miss, but I truly miss Covenant and think about them every Sunday that I can't be there. It was great to be with them! Two ladies went forward with praises, thanking God for bringing them through some tough things, and I felt pulled to do the same. I've gone forward a million times asking for prayers for various things, but I've never gone back up to let people know how their prayers have been answered. I figured it was time to finally do that! I was shaking terribly (I'm crazy nervous about speaking in front of people, even when I know and love all of them!) but I managed to say what I wanted to say. I wanted to let them know just how far God has brought me in the last year. I've come through the darkest of dark places (starting last September) and I feel like now I'm finally in a place where there is more light than shadow in my life. It's taken a lot to get here, and I know that I couldn't have without the prayers that I KNOW Covenant offered continually on my behalf, and I just had to tell them that! I cried, of course, but a lot of people came up and surrounded me and prayed over me again, especially some of the women I'm closest to: Elizabeth Ross, Jeannie Burnett, Joyce Dickson, Jo Ronnau. These beautiful ladies have blessed my life beyond measure. My friend Shelby came up, too, and gave me a great big hug that nearly knocked me backward (those are the best kind!)His goofy smile brightened my day even more! I just couldn't contain my joy, and that's a rare feeling for me.
Most of the rest of the week was fairly mundane: work, yoga, trying to motivate myself to do the dishes...
Until last night. Back when I changed my phone number, I posted a status on FaceBook telling people to message me if they wanted my new number, since I don't intend to post it. Amy, Sara's sister, sent me a message with the subject "Sara" and in the body of the message, a phone number. No explanation or anything...just the number. I've been terrified of calling, since I didn't know if Sara was expecting it or if she'd want to talk, after the way things happened four years ago. If you don't remember that: she was my maid of honor and a couple of days later (after I'd gotten my things out of her apartment after the wedding) she just stopped talking to me. No reasons given, nothing apparent to me that would have made her not want to be my friend, especially after literally our entire lifetime of friendship. I've only had one other heartbreak to compare that to, and I honestly am not sure which was worse, and that's saying something. So...I programmed the number into my phone that day, and have danced around calling ever since. Every time I got up the nerve, I shied away...I didn't think I could handle the heartache that potentially awaited me on the other end of the line. I finally broke down and did it yesterday, though. I went into my bed room and sat down on the floor (so that I wouldn't have far to fall if I collapsed, which was entirely possible), took a few deep breaths, closed my eyes, and hit the call button. I knew it was her when she picked up, but I asked anyway, and she said yes, and I very timidly said "This is Penni." She started to SOB and said "Oh, my God! I can't believe you finally called me! I've missed you SO much! I told Amy to give you my number WEEKS ago & then when I didn't hear from you I thought you'd decided you didn't want to talk to me again!" She was so emotional that I could hardly make out her words. I didn't cry...I thought I would...but my reaction was SO strange. My throat was caught in between hysterical laughter and outright weeping, and I think I probably sounded like I was hyperventilating because my body just couldn't figure out what to do. It was probably pretty funny to see, so I'm glad nobody saw it! She said she didn't even know why she stopped talking to me, and that she'd long regretted it. I told her that it didn't even matter anymore; that we're talking now and that's all that I care about. We talked for probably half an hour, and then she had to go, but she told me several times that she wished I was there with her, and that she'd wished that a million times in the last four years and just was too scared or embarrassed to call me. She had to go, so I told her that I still love her SO much and that I'll always be her friend and more than anything, her sister. I cannot WAIT to get back to Fort Worth to see her and catch up, and hold her baby girl (she's being induced on Tuesday). I can't wait!
I'm going to call it a night now, but I just had to record this! I've truly been blessed this week.
We both slept in a bit on Saturday, and then I made breakfast while he made a coffee run for us. We spent the day just kinda lazing around and talking. We spent a few minutes with Jessie, Chris, Casey, and Linda when they came into town, but mostly we just stuck to being the two of us.
Josh and I have talked nearly every day for a year now. I honestly don't know how I would have made it without him...he's been such an incredible friend. And even though this was only maybe the fourth time that we've spent any time face-to-face, it seemed completely natural. It was a BEAUTIFUL weekend!
I rode with him into Searcy on Saturday night, and went to Covenant on Sunday. I love being able to go home to them...there's not much about Searcy that I miss, but I truly miss Covenant and think about them every Sunday that I can't be there. It was great to be with them! Two ladies went forward with praises, thanking God for bringing them through some tough things, and I felt pulled to do the same. I've gone forward a million times asking for prayers for various things, but I've never gone back up to let people know how their prayers have been answered. I figured it was time to finally do that! I was shaking terribly (I'm crazy nervous about speaking in front of people, even when I know and love all of them!) but I managed to say what I wanted to say. I wanted to let them know just how far God has brought me in the last year. I've come through the darkest of dark places (starting last September) and I feel like now I'm finally in a place where there is more light than shadow in my life. It's taken a lot to get here, and I know that I couldn't have without the prayers that I KNOW Covenant offered continually on my behalf, and I just had to tell them that! I cried, of course, but a lot of people came up and surrounded me and prayed over me again, especially some of the women I'm closest to: Elizabeth Ross, Jeannie Burnett, Joyce Dickson, Jo Ronnau. These beautiful ladies have blessed my life beyond measure. My friend Shelby came up, too, and gave me a great big hug that nearly knocked me backward (those are the best kind!)His goofy smile brightened my day even more! I just couldn't contain my joy, and that's a rare feeling for me.
Most of the rest of the week was fairly mundane: work, yoga, trying to motivate myself to do the dishes...
Until last night. Back when I changed my phone number, I posted a status on FaceBook telling people to message me if they wanted my new number, since I don't intend to post it. Amy, Sara's sister, sent me a message with the subject "Sara" and in the body of the message, a phone number. No explanation or anything...just the number. I've been terrified of calling, since I didn't know if Sara was expecting it or if she'd want to talk, after the way things happened four years ago. If you don't remember that: she was my maid of honor and a couple of days later (after I'd gotten my things out of her apartment after the wedding) she just stopped talking to me. No reasons given, nothing apparent to me that would have made her not want to be my friend, especially after literally our entire lifetime of friendship. I've only had one other heartbreak to compare that to, and I honestly am not sure which was worse, and that's saying something. So...I programmed the number into my phone that day, and have danced around calling ever since. Every time I got up the nerve, I shied away...I didn't think I could handle the heartache that potentially awaited me on the other end of the line. I finally broke down and did it yesterday, though. I went into my bed room and sat down on the floor (so that I wouldn't have far to fall if I collapsed, which was entirely possible), took a few deep breaths, closed my eyes, and hit the call button. I knew it was her when she picked up, but I asked anyway, and she said yes, and I very timidly said "This is Penni." She started to SOB and said "Oh, my God! I can't believe you finally called me! I've missed you SO much! I told Amy to give you my number WEEKS ago & then when I didn't hear from you I thought you'd decided you didn't want to talk to me again!" She was so emotional that I could hardly make out her words. I didn't cry...I thought I would...but my reaction was SO strange. My throat was caught in between hysterical laughter and outright weeping, and I think I probably sounded like I was hyperventilating because my body just couldn't figure out what to do. It was probably pretty funny to see, so I'm glad nobody saw it! She said she didn't even know why she stopped talking to me, and that she'd long regretted it. I told her that it didn't even matter anymore; that we're talking now and that's all that I care about. We talked for probably half an hour, and then she had to go, but she told me several times that she wished I was there with her, and that she'd wished that a million times in the last four years and just was too scared or embarrassed to call me. She had to go, so I told her that I still love her SO much and that I'll always be her friend and more than anything, her sister. I cannot WAIT to get back to Fort Worth to see her and catch up, and hold her baby girl (she's being induced on Tuesday). I can't wait!
I'm going to call it a night now, but I just had to record this! I've truly been blessed this week.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Breathing
I apologize for that last post. I'm beginning to wonder if I need to be on antidepressants of some sort, at least until I'm far removed from my divorce from Mike, and I've started making some friends here. It just gets so terribly lonely when I start thinking about everything I've lost, and there isn't anyone here that I can talk to. My mom takes Lexapro, and so does my Grandma, so I know that at least a touch of depression runs in my family anyway. I just hate the thought of being dependent on medications for anything. I usually don't even take Tylenol until I'm in a fetal position, crying from pain...otherwise I'd literally be living on the stuff because of my neck. My Grandma was taking fourteen different medications a day when I was taking care of her, and I don't want that.
But this weekend, I hit a new low. I won't go into detail, because I don't want to scare anyone, nor do I particularly want to remember it.
Whenever I've got the money to go, I think I'll go to a doctor and ask. Can't hurt to get some information, at least.
Anyway...a handful of angels pulled me through the weekend. Josh was one of them...he called and prayed and was wonderful. Kevin Pratt reached out from my memories and reminded me of a cd that's always helped me through grief, so I found it and played it several times and sang and let the music pray for me. They were my earthly angels, and I know that there were heavenly hosts battling for me, too.
I'm okay. I'm *going* to be okay. I don't want anybody to worry about me. I DO, however, want you to keep on praying for me. I'm not over this thing yet. I might not ever be. I've seen several completely non-helpful articles about how divorce can take an irrevocable toll on one's physical health (gee, thanks for that!) as well as emotional health. I know I'll heal and move on. I know I'll always have a scar, and I will have moments and even days for the rest of my life during which I'll have a dark cloud over my head because of this. But I know I'm strong, and I know that my God is immeasurably so. I'll be alright.
I love you. I hope you all know that. I love you very, very much.
But this weekend, I hit a new low. I won't go into detail, because I don't want to scare anyone, nor do I particularly want to remember it.
Whenever I've got the money to go, I think I'll go to a doctor and ask. Can't hurt to get some information, at least.
Anyway...a handful of angels pulled me through the weekend. Josh was one of them...he called and prayed and was wonderful. Kevin Pratt reached out from my memories and reminded me of a cd that's always helped me through grief, so I found it and played it several times and sang and let the music pray for me. They were my earthly angels, and I know that there were heavenly hosts battling for me, too.
I'm okay. I'm *going* to be okay. I don't want anybody to worry about me. I DO, however, want you to keep on praying for me. I'm not over this thing yet. I might not ever be. I've seen several completely non-helpful articles about how divorce can take an irrevocable toll on one's physical health (gee, thanks for that!) as well as emotional health. I know I'll heal and move on. I know I'll always have a scar, and I will have moments and even days for the rest of my life during which I'll have a dark cloud over my head because of this. But I know I'm strong, and I know that my God is immeasurably so. I'll be alright.
I love you. I hope you all know that. I love you very, very much.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Whew!
Well, I'm essentially done moving! I've got clothes, cats, books, and my bed, so I've got the basic needs taken care of ;-) I still have a few things at my house, and I'll be taking care of most of that this weekend (I sincerely doubt that the wardrobe box with my fall/winter clothes in it will fit in my car...that'll have to wait for my parents to make a trip here!) The Johnsons are moving into my house, and I'm SO glad that they are! They needed the space, and a decent place to live, since they seem to always get bad deals with their apartments. I think this is all going to work out well!
I'm still definitely new at my job, but I think I'm going to settle into it alright. I'm "nesting" in my apartment...trying to make it as homey as I can. I feel like I've made good progress toward that. Now the hard part comes...making friends here! I need to scout out the local coffee houses...I can't get to my Midnight Oil from here! I wonder how long it'll take for the people wherever I end up to know me like the MO folks did...they'd start making my drink when they saw my car pull into the parking lot! (And I'm really not exaggerating!) I figure that'll be a good way to meet some people. I know where I'll start looking, but it's a lot bigger than I'm accustomed to, so I don't know how easy it'll be for me to really get to know people. I feel like I've gotten spoiled at Covenant...it is going to be really difficult for me to find another congregation to call home after being part of such a wonderful family there! Keep me in your prayers for that!
Anyway...I feel like I'm rambling here, so I'll sign off for the night. I just wanted to let y'all know what's goin' on with me right now! If you're reading this, thank you for keeping up with me. I love you!
I'm still definitely new at my job, but I think I'm going to settle into it alright. I'm "nesting" in my apartment...trying to make it as homey as I can. I feel like I've made good progress toward that. Now the hard part comes...making friends here! I need to scout out the local coffee houses...I can't get to my Midnight Oil from here! I wonder how long it'll take for the people wherever I end up to know me like the MO folks did...they'd start making my drink when they saw my car pull into the parking lot! (And I'm really not exaggerating!) I figure that'll be a good way to meet some people. I know where I'll start looking, but it's a lot bigger than I'm accustomed to, so I don't know how easy it'll be for me to really get to know people. I feel like I've gotten spoiled at Covenant...it is going to be really difficult for me to find another congregation to call home after being part of such a wonderful family there! Keep me in your prayers for that!
Anyway...I feel like I'm rambling here, so I'll sign off for the night. I just wanted to let y'all know what's goin' on with me right now! If you're reading this, thank you for keeping up with me. I love you!
Monday, March 2, 2009
Praying for Jonah
Please pray for this baby...he is the newborn son of a friend of my friend Jessie. (I know that sounds somewhat convoluted; sorry.) He was born with Epidermolysis Bullosa. This disease is just awful but I know that God can and will provide healing and comfort. Please ask Him for that on behalf of this sweet baby boy! If you want more information, just click on the picture above...it is a link to the blog his parents started after they found out about his condition.
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