Going Home

I'm pretty sure I say this with nearly every post, but...I need to write more often. I haven't posted since the Spring, so this is long overdue. That being said, here's what's been going on over the last three months.

May

Not much happened in May, really, except that I came to a pretty important realization. It finally registered with me that someone I love very much treated me very, very badly. And I finally got ANGRY. I told him so, and he gave me a weak, insincere apology, and I haven't gotten in touch with him since. If he wants to make things right, I'm completely open to it, but it's up to him, and I'm not holding my breath.

That relationship (whatever kind of relationship it was) wouldn't be the first that God put in my life for just a very specific time when I needed it, and then took away again after whatever trial I was going through was over. The best example of that I think would be Kevin Pratt...when we dated, he was dealing with shock from the shootings at his church, and I lost my great uncle, who I was very close to. We sort of helped each other grieve and then when we were both sort of out of the dark, we just stopped dating. We stayed friendly, but the romance just wasn't there anymore. Maybe that's what God was doing with Josh...I don't know...but I sure wish Josh had handled the end of it differently. Oh well! I've suffered worse, as you know.


June

My friends in Jonesboro convinced me to check out ABC's "LOST". Six years ago, when the show first started, I was under the impression that it was a reality show (and I just couldn't figure out why Dominic Monaghan would bother being on a reality show) and, because of that impression, had absolutely no interest in seeing it. But as I said, my friends here made it their mission to get me hooked, and they succeeded. I started watching via Netflix's "instant watch" feature, which was probably a mistake. I got hooked from the start. The way the Netflix thing is set up, at the end of each episode, there's a button for "Watch Next Episode"...and it's way too easy to lose track of time that way. Anyway...that little obsession actually turned out to be a good thing, because the main culprit in getting me hooked started coming over to watch with me, and it has been wonderful having company. His name is Lance, and he's a good guy. We got pretty comfortable with each other, and then, when he heard that my anniversary with Mike was coming up (June 25) he decided to distract me and he took me out to dinner. It was really nice! We were going to go to a movie after that, but the theater was insanely crowded, so we went out for coffee and then came back to my place & watch a couple of episodes of Lost instead. Sometimes friendships start in the strangest ways...and I don't mind it a bit.


July

During the first full week of July, I got up the nerve to take a trip home alone. I drove to Fort Worth by myself - a major feat for me. I usually get incredibly sleepy in the car, even when I'm driving, so I generally try not to drive alone more than an hour and a half or so...and sometimes even that is hard. So...the prospect of a seven hour drive TERRIFIED me. I did it, though, with no trouble at all on the way home! I detoured down to Bullard, Texas, before going to Fort Worth. Ken & Natalie & their girls live there, and I desperately wanted to see my sweet Alexis. I love that little girl more than I can possibly express. I can only imagine how much I will love my own children some day! It was wonderful to see the Collinses...they're wonderful friends! I only stayed one night, but I didn't think Alexis was going to let me leave. I think the sweetest moment for me during that stay was in the middle of the night. Everybody was asleep, and Alexis started having a bad dream. I was sleeping in her room & she was sort of whimpering, which woke me up. I didn't want to wake her up, but I hated that she was scared, so I started softly humming the lullaby I used to sing to her when she was a baby. She calmed down right away and slept peacefully the rest of the night. I can't wait to do that for my own babies! It made me really happy that her sleeping mind recognized that lullaby :-)
On Sunday, I went into Fort Worth. It was SO GOOD to be home! That night, I got to meet some of Kat & Nico's neighbors, and that was a LOT of fun. We played Catchphrase, and I think that PEZ candies will forever make me laugh. Ask me why sometime, if you weren't there :-)
The next day, we celebrated Kat's birthday & I got to see her family, which was great. Made me feel old to see her (not so) little brother...I can't believe how tall he is & how deep his voice is. I remember him being born & now I'm pretty sure he's taller than me. Time flies!
On Tuesday, I met up with Sara for lunch. Brooklyn has grown so much since I met her in January, and she is absolutely precious. She looks just like her Mama, but with a darker complexion & adorable black ringlet curls all around her adorably chubby little face. She giggled while I held her and just stole my heart away. Sara said she usually screams when other people hold her, so I feel pretty special. After lunch, I went to the Botanic Gardens & wandered around for a while. The Conservatory is such a neat area of the Gardens, & I hadn't been there in a long time, so I went in there first, and that was a treat! Then, I wandered around in one of the outdoor gardens, and found a new area, too...a boardwalk devoted to educating people about native plants versus invaders, native animal species...lots of neat stuff.
After I left the Gardens, I met up with two of my old friends & their kids. It was great to catch up with Zac & Susan, and to meet baby Micah, and especially to finally meet Zac's son, Eathen. I've been praying for that little boy for as long as I've known he even existed, and it was wonderful to see him healthy and happy after his transplant.
Wednesday was a lot of fun...Kathy, Ashley, and I had lunch at the Camp Bowie Antique Mall (or, rather, at the Rose Garden Tearoom inside it) and then Kat & I looked around at all the neat old stuff. There was a lot that I would have loved to buy if I'd had the funds! I *did* spring for the cookbook, and am looking forward to trying my hand at some of the recipes, and I also got a bag of the tea because it was SO good. Seriously...best tea I've ever had. I'm glad Kat found the bag & mailed it to me last week! Kat and I pretty much spent the whole day shopping, which was actually fun, since I'm not limited to one store anymore, and Kat has an inherent sense of style & kept shoving stuff at me to try :-) I came out with a top (I still need to remove that liner...), a cute belt, and a fun purse that I've carried pretty much every day since. That night, I joined Kat & Ashley at their housechurch for a game night & surprise birthday celebration for Kat. I loved it! Beautiful group of people & I hope to get to know them myself.
On Thursday, I spent most of the day with Sara. I slept in, and then when I got up, I went to her apartment. We finally got to exchange Christmas gifts, haha! We mostly sat around & talked, and went for a brief bike ride, then went to pick up Cameron & took him to a Cats game. He'd never been to one, so it was a treat to introduce him to it! He got to meet Dodger, which was cool, even if Sara kept making (pardon the coming pun) cat calls at Dodger, trying to set me up. The Cats won, Cameron got to run the bases with the other kids in attendance, and in spite of the drizzly rain, Sara and I had a lot of fun!
Friday meant brunch with Becky, who I hadn't seen in about seven years. Becky, Sara, and I were inseparable as kids, but Becky & I had a falling out around age 16, but we've mended :-) We met up at Mimi's Cafe (who has the BEST muffins in the WORLD...ohmygosh...the Buttermilk Spice ones are heaven!) We got to catch up a bit & we had fun just talking. The rest of the day was a lazy day, I think mostly due to the storm that rolled in. I watched it coming in & got some neat pictures before Unagi (Kat & Nico's 80 lb boxer) got up in my lap! He snoozed, and I read a book for a while & drifted off a bit myself. At some point on Friday, Nico took me out for pho (pronounced "fuh"; it's Vietnamese rice noodle soup). I've heard of pho for a long time but this was the first chance I've ever had to try it. SO GOOD.
In the evening, I went over to Ashley's for a movie night. My old friend David crashed the girls' night, which was fine with me...I hadn't seen him in ages! He brought sandwich stuff; Ashley cooked melts with it & had cookies made, too. We watched Valentine's Day, which was cute, and then Kat came in & we all watched Leap Year, which was also really cute :-) I love my girls!
On Saturday, after taking Kat & Nico to the airport at like 3 am, I slept in a bit, then went over to the Kimbell Museum. They recently added a very special piece to their permanent collection: Michelangelo Buonarotti's "The Torment of Saint Anthony". It is Michelangelo's first painting, and the first of his work to enter an American collection. Pretty cool! It was a special experience to see it. I LOVE the richness that Fort Worth possesses in terms of art and culture. The museums are just wonderful. There are lots of different ethnicities in the city...when Nico took me for pho, it was like a Little Vietnam...definitely not something I'm likely to find in Arkansas. Downtown is beautiful, packed with art galleries and unique restaurants of all different kinds...I love my hometown. Anyway...Saturday night, I went down to Crowley to watch fireworks with Sara & her family. It was a great evening! I've known her whole family my whole life and I loved being with them that night.
I spent the night with Ashley that night & went to church with her on Sunday. The Exchange was certainly different from any services I've been to before. The sermon was good & the people are great, though, and I'm very glad I went! We had lunch at what turned out to be a great barbeque place, and then I grudgingly packed up & came back to Arkansas.
The rest of July was fairly dull, except that I spent a LOT of time with Lance. I've cooked for him a couple of times, we've been out to dinner a few times, and we finished LOST. Our time together will be at an end after this week, though...he's moving away :-( I've been very glad for his companionship this summer & will miss him a lot.
In spite of the length of this post, I've had a lot of time with nothing to do, so I've been thinking a lot. I feel like there are lots of signs pointing me home to Fort Worth. My current job has been a blessing at a time I needed it, but it isn't a career for me by any means, and I've grown increasingly restless in it. Being in Fort Worth just felt RIGHT. The closest of my friends here have all moved away, or will be soon. I never wanted to live in Arkansas to begin with. I think I'm at a point where I'll be alright living on my own (though it's still a scary prospect!) and I just feel like I need to go home at this point. I really do. So, I'm going home. I'm looking for a job, working up my resume, and hoping to get home very, very soon. Pray for me!

What a week!!!

One week ago, Josh, my AMAZING best friend came to visit me! He's my soul-mate, be it romantic or friendship or whatever...he really is! Anyway...his family goes to a cabin in Mountain View, AR, for a few days every year, and he stopped off to stay a night with me in Jonesboro before going on to Searcy to see his family. He drove 17 hours straight, starting at 2 am in Colorado, and arrived at my door at 7:45 last Friday evening. I'd gotten all dolled up...new dress and new shoes...and we went out to dinner at the Fuji Steakhouse, which is a Japanese hibachi restaurant. We had sushi and some of the hibachi stuff, and shared a glass of plum wine, which was quite possibly the best thing I've EVER tasted. My dress was perfect: black, just below the knee, sleeveless, with a cross-over/wrap neckline (I have no idea how to describe the neck...). I usually can't wear that kind of neck, though...I tend to...um...spill out...of them, haha! But this dress fit me absolutely perfectly! It smoothed all my troublesome spots and accentuated my good curves...SO flattering! And I only paid $13 for it! The shoes, though, just might have been my favorite part of the outfit. 3.5" heel, pointed toe (which I usually don't like, but these are actually comfortable!) and the color...Ferrari Red! They've got a pretty little edge detail, too. And Josh has a thing for pretty shoes on a girl ;-) So, when I opened the door when he arrived, we both just kinda grinned at each other for a minute, which was lovely! He gave me a big, LONG awaited hug, and then we went to dinner. After dinner, we came back to my place and talked for a while, and then he picked a movie to watch (Alfred Hitchcock's "Dial 'M' For Murder") which we didn't finish...he'd had a long drive, after all!
We both slept in a bit on Saturday, and then I made breakfast while he made a coffee run for us. We spent the day just kinda lazing around and talking. We spent a few minutes with Jessie, Chris, Casey, and Linda when they came into town, but mostly we just stuck to being the two of us.
Josh and I have talked nearly every day for a year now. I honestly don't know how I would have made it without him...he's been such an incredible friend. And even though this was only maybe the fourth time that we've spent any time face-to-face, it seemed completely natural. It was a BEAUTIFUL weekend!
I rode with him into Searcy on Saturday night, and went to Covenant on Sunday. I love being able to go home to them...there's not much about Searcy that I miss, but I truly miss Covenant and think about them every Sunday that I can't be there. It was great to be with them! Two ladies went forward with praises, thanking God for bringing them through some tough things, and I felt pulled to do the same. I've gone forward a million times asking for prayers for various things, but I've never gone back up to let people know how their prayers have been answered. I figured it was time to finally do that! I was shaking terribly (I'm crazy nervous about speaking in front of people, even when I know and love all of them!) but I managed to say what I wanted to say. I wanted to let them know just how far God has brought me in the last year. I've come through the darkest of dark places (starting last September) and I feel like now I'm finally in a place where there is more light than shadow in my life. It's taken a lot to get here, and I know that I couldn't have without the prayers that I KNOW Covenant offered continually on my behalf, and I just had to tell them that! I cried, of course, but a lot of people came up and surrounded me and prayed over me again, especially some of the women I'm closest to: Elizabeth Ross, Jeannie Burnett, Joyce Dickson, Jo Ronnau. These beautiful ladies have blessed my life beyond measure. My friend Shelby came up, too, and gave me a great big hug that nearly knocked me backward (those are the best kind!)His goofy smile brightened my day even more! I just couldn't contain my joy, and that's a rare feeling for me.
Most of the rest of the week was fairly mundane: work, yoga, trying to motivate myself to do the dishes...
Until last night. Back when I changed my phone number, I posted a status on FaceBook telling people to message me if they wanted my new number, since I don't intend to post it. Amy, Sara's sister, sent me a message with the subject "Sara" and in the body of the message, a phone number. No explanation or anything...just the number. I've been terrified of calling, since I didn't know if Sara was expecting it or if she'd want to talk, after the way things happened four years ago. If you don't remember that: she was my maid of honor and a couple of days later (after I'd gotten my things out of her apartment after the wedding) she just stopped talking to me. No reasons given, nothing apparent to me that would have made her not want to be my friend, especially after literally our entire lifetime of friendship. I've only had one other heartbreak to compare that to, and I honestly am not sure which was worse, and that's saying something. So...I programmed the number into my phone that day, and have danced around calling ever since. Every time I got up the nerve, I shied away...I didn't think I could handle the heartache that potentially awaited me on the other end of the line. I finally broke down and did it yesterday, though. I went into my bed room and sat down on the floor (so that I wouldn't have far to fall if I collapsed, which was entirely possible), took a few deep breaths, closed my eyes, and hit the call button. I knew it was her when she picked up, but I asked anyway, and she said yes, and I very timidly said "This is Penni." She started to SOB and said "Oh, my God! I can't believe you finally called me! I've missed you SO much! I told Amy to give you my number WEEKS ago & then when I didn't hear from you I thought you'd decided you didn't want to talk to me again!" She was so emotional that I could hardly make out her words. I didn't cry...I thought I would...but my reaction was SO strange. My throat was caught in between hysterical laughter and outright weeping, and I think I probably sounded like I was hyperventilating because my body just couldn't figure out what to do. It was probably pretty funny to see, so I'm glad nobody saw it! She said she didn't even know why she stopped talking to me, and that she'd long regretted it. I told her that it didn't even matter anymore; that we're talking now and that's all that I care about. We talked for probably half an hour, and then she had to go, but she told me several times that she wished I was there with her, and that she'd wished that a million times in the last four years and just was too scared or embarrassed to call me. She had to go, so I told her that I still love her SO much and that I'll always be her friend and more than anything, her sister. I cannot WAIT to get back to Fort Worth to see her and catch up, and hold her baby girl (she's being induced on Tuesday). I can't wait!
I'm going to call it a night now, but I just had to record this! I've truly been blessed this week.

I've GOT to update more often...

It has been over a month since I updated my blog. Oops. And a rather eventful month it has been, too!
The day after my last post, I was laid off from my job at the clinic. Not a big deal, since I was about to turn in my two-weeks notice, anyway. The timing was a bit of a surprise, though. My boss was really nice about it, and let me stay one more week, which was awesome...it showed how much he trusted me, since everything in the office had to be confidential. He knew I wasn't going to go insane and start doing anything illegal :-) Anyway...it was a great job for being my first after college. I had practically nothing to do most of the time, but it got me in the habit of being in one place for an extended amount of time, and I'll have a great reference. But seriously...I got paid to be on Facebook and read blogs and stuff like that every afternoon. Thursday of the last week I worked, I watched Cleopatra (the one with Elizabeth Taylor) in its FOUR HOUR ENTIRETY without a single interruption. Seriously. :-)

After being laid off, I started really working toward moving. I've been packing and sorting like crazy. I've gotten *almost* everything moved to Jonesboro at this point...I've just got to move my clothes and a couple of pieces of furniture, and I'll be done! All there will be left will be myself and my cats! I'm a little nervous about how they're going to take the move, but I'm sure they'll adjust alright.

My wonderful friend Jessie threw me a Pampered Chef surprise party as a sort of going-away/apartment warming party, and that was SO sweet of her! I got lots of cool PC stuff that I know I'll make a lot of use of. The biggest surprise of the night, though, was that Josh came! My oh-so-amazing friend drove 15 hours from Colorado (his family lives in Searcy, so he wasn't coming *just* for me) and came to my party! He came over to my house that night, too, and we talked for hours and hours...it was so nice to actually be in the same room with him, instead of internet chatting. I love talking to him online (we do so nearly every day), but it was lovely to actually see his face. He came over the next night, too, and it was absolutely fabulous! We made a blueberry cobbler with berries that his mom had picked herself just the day before. SO sweet!

A couple of weeks ago, my parents and I moved my Grandma out of the nursing home she's been in for the past couple of years and into an assisted living apartment. The change has been wonderful for her! The nursing home was AWFUL...they pretty much stuck her in a wheel chair and left her there so long that she basically forgot how to walk. We had no other option but to have her there, though, since there wasn't an assisted living complex in town, and she can't be on her own. She's too prone to falling. The hospital finally built a facility that was more what she needed, though...other people her age, LOTS of activities geared toward her demographic, and a staff of certified nurses who can and will help if something happens. She's got her own space, though, and can still be semi-independent, which she needed. After only a couple of weeks there, she's walking again, assisted by her walker, and she only uses the wheelchair when she gets too tired to walk on her own. She looks so much better than she did at the nursing home...it's obvious that her activity level is on the rise.

Finally, last weekend was spent at HOME in TEXAS! It was SO good to be there. My friend Kathy married a wonderful man, and my friend Ashley and I were her maids of honor. The wedding was beautiful (if a bit hectic...but then, what wedding isn't?) I got into Fort Worth on Wednesday, the 24th, and stayed with Kat. I got to meet Nico's father, who'd come in from Venezuela, and Unagi, Kat's rescued boxer. Cesar (say-ZAR) was really sweet, though a little hard to understand sometimes because his English was so heavily accented. I wish I'd remembered more Spanish from the three years I took in high school...oh well. Unagi is a sweet dog...he was a little shy at first, but he turned out to be a very affectionate dog and he's CRAZY about Kathy :-) The 25th was an interesting day for me. It would have been my fourth anniversary with Mike, so I kinda had a cloud over me for most of the day, but I was busy enough with wedding preparations that I didn't have time to really focus on that. I'm SO glad that I was in Texas with my friends...they made sure that it wasn't a horrible day for me. The only time I really broke down was that evening. The rehearsal was that night, and Kathy, Ashley, and I were in the foyer, lined up to start down the aisle, and suddenly, I couldn't breathe at all. I went out into entry hall and called Josh, who knew what was wrong even though he couldn't understand what I was saying (his 5th anniversary with his ex-wife would have been the 19th, so he'd just been through the same thing.) He told me he'd pray for me and that I'd be fine, and after talking to him, I was. I still cried quite a bit through the rehearsal, but it was bearable. The rehearsal went well, and afterward, we all went to dinner at Los Vaqueros, which is a great little Tex-Mex restaurant in the Stockyards. It was great! I (tried to) give a toast, but I completely choked on it...it was fine, though, I think...Kat and I have been friends for sixteen years now, and she knew what I was trying to say :-) We went back to the church after that to finish up whatever we could, and then went back to Kat & Nico's and crashed. Friday was an insanely busy day...Ashley and I went to find flowers and then we spent more time at the church trying to set up everything for the reception. We had the bachelorette party at Pappadeaux, which is sort of Cajun seafood stuff. It was good! I'd gotten lots of decorations, and Ashley and her mom got it all set up and once we convinced Kathy to take a break from the wedding preparations and GO, it was great! She had fun and got some really pretty things. Saturday morning, Ashley and I went to the salon to get our hair done, and then to the mall to get shapewear for me (since I managed to forget the $80 thing I'd gotten for the express purpose of this wedding...) and I felt completely ridiculous walking through the mall with big fancy hair with my t-shirt and jeans...haha! We met up with Kat after that for manicures & pedicures...we ALL needed the downtime that that provided, and when we got to the church afterward, everything went smoothly. Kat was a beautiful bride...she had a very classy, vintage-y look about her. The wedding went perfectly...there was only one goof and it was so funny and so perfectly timed that I managed to get through the whole thing without tears! Basically, anyway...I had a single tear or two when Gran gave her blessing and prayer. The reception was fun and it all was just perfect!






I went out that night with Ashley, her boyfriend, and one of his friends. We went to the Flying Saucer downtown, and then to Transformers 2 in Sundance Square. It was a fun night, but I was SO tired by the time I got back to Ashley's apartment! I went to church the next day and saw several people from the church where I grew up, which was bittersweet, really, but it was so good to see them. I got to see my aunt & uncle, too. My parents had been staying with them the entire time we were in town, and I stayed with them the last night, too. I LOVE my family and I was really glad I got the chance to see them.

Anyway...I'm back in Searcy now, finishing up moving to Jonesboro. Life is still hectic, so I don't know when I'll be able to update again, but I'll try to do so soon!

My Happiest Thanksgiving Week

The past week was absolutely fantastic! Jessie, one of my very best friends, had her baby. Casey Shayne entered the world at 10:12 on Wednesday night, and weighed in at 9 pounds. He's got tons of hair and has a lot of personality already. I stayed the night in the hospital with Jessie so that she and Chris could get some sleep, so I had a whole night to get to know my little "nephew." With the possible exception of Sara's son, Cameron, he's the sweetest baby boy I've ever had the pleasure of really knowing. I love him completely already.




Isn't he handsome? Jessie said that we'd have to make a point of going to see our hair stylist soon...she'll go crazy over his hair!

Thursday, Thanksgiving Day, was very nice. Megan, Jack, and their baby, Nicole, came by to see Jessie and Casey. Megan looked incredible...had I not known that she'd had a baby two weeks before, I'd have never guessed that she'd ever had one at all. Nicole (Nikki) is the prettiest baby girl I've ever seen...she's tiny (six pounds and some-odd ounces) and just beautiful. I'm looking forward to babysitting both of these babies! Chris had gone home for the night to get some sleep, and when he and their families came back to the hospital, I went home to freshen up. It was about noon, so as soon as I'd showered I went straight to my parents' house, where, for the first time in years, I didn't cook anything for the Thanksgiving meal. It was kinda nice to just relax after having gotten no sleep the night before (I was holding a newborn all night, after all!) After the meal, I napped on the sofa for a couple of hours, and then woke up to have some of my mom's pecan pie, which she makes with Yellow Label Syrup (something we can only find in Birmingham,) and it was delicious! It's been a while since she made it, so it seemed extra good! After we took my Grandma home, we went by the hospital so that my parents could meet Casey...my mom couldn't believe his hair :-)

Friday was fairly uneventful, but on Saturday after I left the Shoppe, I went to Jessie's house...her mom wanted to go to Walmart to get a few things for her and Casey, and she can't drive Jessie's car, so I offered to take her. While I was there, Megan came in and I finally got to hold Nikki for a while. Megan and Jessie had fun taking pictures of their little ones together, and I got a few, too:







It amazes me how much babies change in their first few days. Casey's little face grew more distinct and his personality started coming out. It also is incredible to me how healing it is to hold newborn babies. So soothing, and at a time that I've really been needing it. They gave me much to be thankful for this year :-)

Seven Years Tomorrow...

I cannot believe that, come April, it will have been ten years since I was in New York City. It was SUCH an incredible trip...we went to Les Miserables at the Imperial Theatre on Broadway. We went to the Statue of Liberty and to Staten Island. We sang at Lincoln Center and saw Julliard. We saw Times Square and the Rockefeller Center. We stood among the crowd outside of The Today Show. We went to the top of the Empire State Building at night and looked out over a field of lights that looked like myriad stars reflecting off of an ocean. My friend Kristina Thompson and I had our picture taken from the Liberty Science Museum with the Twin Towers behind us.

Even more difficult to believe than that is that just a year and a half later, those towers were reduced to rubble and smoke and dust.

Take a moment, look at these pictures, and Remember.