I'm sure some of my friends (and even some of my family) think I'm crazy, but I went for the second time today to visit Mike in jail. It's a miracle that I made it, actually...Taylor said he'd pick me up at 6:20 this morning, so I set TWO alarms for 5-ish, a few minutes off from each other, to ensure that I would wake in time to shower & be ready to go when he got here. Neither went off. I woke up on my own somehow at 6:08 and absolutely panicked! I'm not a morning person, but I sprang out of bed, used the bathroom & brushed my teeth at lightning speed, and pulled on jeans & a sweater JUST in time to see Taylor's headlights pulling into the driveway through my curtains. I scooped some makeup into a bag & ran downstairs just as Taylor got to the door, and once I got into his car, I finally took a breath. I'm not sure I'd taken one up to that point, haha. We went to pick up our friend Matt, then stopped at a gas station for coffee & to fill up, and then got on the road. We saw a beautiful sunrise that for a few minutes silenced our conversation except for a few words of praise to God for the gorgeous morning. Once inside the facility, I had no issue getting in like last time, except that I still set off the metal detector three times & got wanded, haha. I worried a bit that the UV stamp didn't transfer well enough onto my hand...it was quite faint...but there were no issues with my shoes or anything, and they let me in and back out, so I guess the stamp was good enough. Having been before, the intimidation factor was gone for me, and that was great! Taylor and I were called back within twenty minutes or so; Matt had a few hangups getting in, but made it with the next batch of people after Taylor and me. Mike has grown a full beard, just for the heck of it...Taylor didn't recognize him at first. I'm surprised I did! He works in the "chow hall" in the prison, clearing food trays for something like $0.45 an hour, but he doesn't complain, since all his needs are provided for. His pay goes toward the niceties...paper to write letters, stamps, pens & pencils, and he bought a little radio. He said the amount of food waste is unbelievable...they throw away between 7 & 9 HUGE trash bins of uneaten food with every meal. Crazy! From the conversations I was hearing around us, the talk of the prison is that some apparently famous rapper is in there...I don't listen to rap, so I've never heard of the guy, but he goes by T.I. and he's in the block below Mike. We mostly talked about God and what He's doing in Mike's life right now. I love the irony of visiting a prison to talk to the freest man on the planet, but I really believe he is. Like last time, I saw no trace of the demon that landed him in that place, but instead saw bright eyes turned upon Jesus. He's a miracle. His body might be confined right now, but his spirit certainly is not. It is free in a way it never was before, and it amazes me to see God moving in him. We stayed about three and a half hours, once we got in, then said our goodbyes. Matt bought lunch for the three of us and we all just talked and laughed the whole way back to Searcy.
It's always uplifting to be around Taylor. He's got quite a fire inside of him and I have been so blessed to know him & his sweet wife, Elizabeth. I enjoyed getting to know Matt a little better today, too. They're both good men and I know they will continue to be blessings to Mike, and for that, I am ever thankful.
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Friday, October 1, 2010
Soul Mates
I'm currently reading Elizabeth Gilbert's book, Eat Pray Love. I tend to find something within the books I read that I really identify with, but with some books, that connection is a lot stronger and easier to see. This particular book has had me doing a lot of soul-searching.
This was a very personal book for her to write...full of raw honesty and actual events and feelings in the year or so after her divorce. When I picked it up, it was simply because I wanted to read it before seeing the movie, but as it turns out, it's a very personal book to me, too. I totally identify with so much of what she's written (and I'm only about half-way through it right now.) The circumstances that led to my divorce were horrible, and I remember that for a while, ALL I wanted was to get AWAY. I wanted to go on a cruise or just take off to Italy or Ireland or really anywhere but here. The difference between Gilbert & me is that somebody actually paid her to do it.
After she left her husband, she fell in love with someone else very quickly. I did, too. And today, I read a chapter from her time in India that resonated with me very deeply with regard to that, and I just wanted to share it. It's part of a conversation between Liz and a man she met at the ashram she stayed at in India...Richard from Texas, who calls her Groceries (you'll have to read it to understand.)
"But I really loved him."
"Big deal. So you fell in love with someone. Don't you see what happened? This guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you thought you were capable of reaching. I mean you got zapped, kiddo. But that love you felt, that's jut the beginning. You just got a taste of love. That's just limited little rinky-dink mortal love. Wait till you see how much more deeply you can love than that. Heck, Groceries - you have the capacity to someday love the whole world. It's your destiny. Don't laugh."
"I'm not laughing." I was actually crying. "And please don't laugh at me now, but I think the reason it's so hard for me to get over this guy is because I seriously believed David was my soul mate."
"He probably was. Your problem is you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can't let this one go. It's over, Groceries. David's purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it's over. Problem is, you can't accept that this relationship had a real short shelf life. You're like a dog at the dump, baby - you're just lickin' at an empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you're not careful, that can's gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it."
"But I love him."
"So love him."
"But I miss him."
"So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, and then drop it. You're just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you'll really be alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she's really alone. But here's what you gotta understand, Groceries. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot - a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in - God will rush in - and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go."
"But I wish me and David could - "
He cuts me off. "See, now that's your problem. You're wishin' too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be."
There have been a lot of passages in this book that caught my eye, but that one just really hit home. And by the way...if you haven't read my last post, you should :-)
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Forgiveness
Fair Warning: This is going to be a LONG post. I've got a story to tell and it'll require going back a bit, to something I debated posting here, and never did.
A year after our divorce was finalized, my ex-husband was convicted just before Christmas 2009 on charges of possession of child pornography. The drama of our separation and subsequent divorce was finally over, I thought, but I also thought I would never be able to forgive him. After a little while, I decided to write to him. I felt compassion enough that I didn't want him to think I hated him, or that he'd been locked away & forgotten. I got his address from our friend Taylor, who we knew from church. That was in January, because I told him about all the snow we had, and how Harding & Abby (our/my cats) reacted to it. He wrote back a couple of weeks later, and I think I might have written once more between that time and April.
Sometime in February, I think, Taylor made an announcement at church that caught me completely off-guard. I was sitting with him & his family (wife, Elizabeth, and their four kids) and he got up to announce that Mike's lawyer was collecting letters to petition the judge overseeing Mike's case for leniency. I wasn't expecting anything like that that day, and I'm still not sure why it shook me up the way it did, but I remember that I wound up sobbing. I thought about it the rest of the service, and at the end, I asked Taylor for the instruction sheet for writing the letters. I said I didn't know if I would...if I'd even be ABLE, but I wanted to know how just in case. I debated with myself for weeks, and finally about a month later, sat down to write. Mike's letters told me that he was doing better; told me that when the spotlight was thrown onto the secret he'd hidden for so long, it had released him from its grasp. I asked the judge to be merciful...not to ignore the crime, but to rule to help Mike rather than just punish him. I said at the beginning that I knew it might seem strange that I, who divorced him over the whole matter, would advocate for him. The letter went on to ask that his sentence not be harsh, but that it include some form of counseling or therapy. I said I was confident that he would be a better man from then on.
Writing that letter was done as much for myself as for Mike. It was a conscious decision to forgive him. Every word was sincere, but after writing it, I woke each morning and had to decide over and over again to forgive him. Most days, I was able to, though some days still presented a struggle, but it got easier.
March and April presented me with another decision. I hadn't witnessed any of the legal proceedings in dealing with all of this, aside from our divorce hearing. I hadn't been questioned in relation to anything. I didn't see the men who came to confiscate Mike's computer. I saw their car, only by accident, but I never saw them. When his sentencing date came up, I asked Taylor if it was something I could attend if I wanted to. He said yes, and that he was going, too, so I could ride with him if I decided to go. Again, I deliberated for a while...probably about a month...and when it got down to a couple of days before the sentencing, I decided to go. I called Taylor and said I was in, and he said that there were some others from Covenant going as well, and we made arrangements to carpool to Little Rock. I felt like I needed to see it for myself. I'd known all along what was happening, but I hadn't seen it and that made it feel surreal; like a bad dream. I needed to make it real so I could move past it.
I met up with the group the morning of the sentencing (April 16, 2010). Taylor & Elizabeth knew I was coming, but I don't think any of the others did. Some of them didn't know me...they were friends Mike had made after we parted & I'd never met them. As it turned out, two of these strangers were among my traveling companions that day. Taylor drove his SUV, Wayne rode in front with him, Elizabeth & her boys rode in the back, and I was in the middle with two people I didn't know. I've become friends with one of them since...his name is Mat. I was really quiet on the ride out there...just kind of staring out the window. Elizabeth reached forward & asked if I was alright, and I said yes, and that I was just processing & trying to keep my nerves under control. Mat asked why I was nervous, and he and the girl on the other side of him sort of recoiled in shock when I told them I was Mike's ex-wife. It was actually pretty funny to see their faces.
When we got to the courthouse in Little Rock, I think the security guards were surprised to see a group of about twenty people coming in the door. It really was an incredible showing of support for Mike. I met Chris, Mike's lawyer, in the lobby. He seemed like a very nice man. There was another sentencing ahead of Mike's...a woman...and it was the same judge. It was clear to me that this man was pretty much by-the-book. It was also clear to me that the prosecuting attorney was young and cocky. He walked into the courtroom like he was king. I thought that they were going to throw the book at Mike when his turn came. I was glad that we were there for the hearing preceding Mike's...I thought it would prepare me for his. But I was very wrong. The judge didn't read the details of her offenses...just the charges & his ruling, followed by his sentence for her. I don't remember either lawyer speaking...they were just there, and it was over very quickly.
When Mike was brought into the room, he was in a bright orange jumpsuit and ankle shackles and I believe handcuffs, though the handcuffs were removed shortly after they brought him into the room. I hadn't expected that...I guess I thought he'd be in street clothes, or even dressed up, so it was a shock to see him that way. His hair was buzzed short, and it was clear that he'd been working out a lot, because he looked pretty buff. My totally erratic mind's first thought was "Oh my GOSH he looks good!", to which the other part of my brain thought "What?! You can't think that way about him. Not anymore." The tugging at my heart had begun.
Mike slowly scanned the room upon realizing that there were people there to support him. Because of where I was sitting, I was one of the last that he saw, and at first, his eyes sort of skipped over me, it seemed. It was like he saw me without recognizing me. But then it seemed to click with him and he came back to me and I could see something between surprise, confusion, and maybe fear in his eyes. I hadn't told him I'd written to the judge, so he had no idea what my purpose in being there was. I gave him a little smile, though, and I saw his eyes swell with tears and he swallowed hard & smiled back at me. He then started back at the beginning and smiled individually at everyone present and kept patting his heart with his hand in a gesture of thanks.
When the judge came in, he read ALL of the charges. Up to that point, I knew the charges, but not the specifics, and I hadn't heard what had been found on the confiscated computer. The numbers terrified me and I just closed my eyes and ears after hearing the numbers and started praying. I prayed that I wouldn't hate him, and I prayed it over and over and over again and wouldn't let myself cry. That moment passed and when I looked up at Mike, I felt all the anger I felt toward him dissipate, and it hasn't returned. I've had recurrences of anger at what happened, but none that were directed at Mike. In that moment, I went from *choosing* to forgive him, minute by minute, to finally forgiving him completely. I felt the change from human forgiveness to a divine forgiveness that I KNOW my God put in my heart...and it is a beautiful thing.
After the charges & findings were gone over, the judge allowed statements from people in the group. He said he normally doesn't allow that, but that given the showing that day, he would. Four or five men raised their hands when he asked who wanted to speak, and Taylor went up first, followed by his brother, Spencer, then Luke, then a guy I didn't know, named Dane. Taylor said he knew Mike from church, and that he was confident that Mike would ever after stay away from his addiction. Spencer said that he also knew Mike from church in Searcy, and the judge interrupted him, saying in his deep, slow Southern drawl, "I've spoken down in Searcy a time or two, but my family has been Methodist since the Crucifixion, and I don't know what y'all think about that." Most of us gave an uneasy laugh, but Spencer took it in stride and said "Well, sir, we're all one in Christ." The atmosphere in the room immediately shifted. The judge liked us. He knew we respected him. We knew he'd listen to us and maybe be lenient. Taylor's father-in-law, John, went up after that, and then a doctor Mike knew from after we split. That was a neat testimony, too...the judge asked him if he was a medical doctor, and he said yes, and then the judge said "I'd like to have your opinion as a medical professional. What would you recommend to treat this man?" The doctor said "It's a pretty controversial opinion, sir." The judge interjected with "I know it's controversial. I want your opinion!" (he was smiling as he said it) and the doctor said "I believe that Jesus Christ is the only Healer, and that Michael won't be healed without Him." And this by-the-book federal judge smiled and genuinely thanked him! Wayne spoke after that, and then, he was coming back to sit down, the judge asked if anyone else wanted to speak.
I found myself on my feet before I realized what I was doing. A second later, I DID realize what I was doing, and thought, "Oh, God...what AM I doing??" and then figured it was too late to sit back down, so I went forward. I am NOT a public speaker...my hands sweat, my voice goes quiet, and my speech speeds up. Mike, who was standing at a podium facing the judge, didn't see me coming, but when he looked to see who was standing beside him, I saw the same surprise/confusion/fear in his face as when he walked into the courtroom & saw me. Naturally, I had no idea what to say, since I hadn't planned to speak (I hadn't even thought there would be opportunity, and wouldn't have thought ahead of time to take it anyway). So I introduced myself to the judge, as the others had done, and his response was "Yes, ma'am, I read your letter with *considerable* interest." I mumbled "Thank you" and glanced over at Mike, and saw tears in his eyes again. I asked the judge for mercy for Mike. I said that I firmly believed that he would never have acted on his sickness; that I knew he would be a better man on the other side. At least, that's what I *wanted* to say. I got really emotional pretty quickly and am not convinced that anyone understood a word of what I said. When I got to the point where it was clear that my speech had become unintelligible due to the lump in my throat and my nerves, I said "Thank you" to the judge and I think gave some strange little curtsy (the image of that in my head is rather comical, really) and then I laid a hand on Mike's arm before making a bee-line for my seat. I didn't look at anybody...just the floor and my seat, and then I sat down VERY quickly & just sort of stared at the judge, who then gave Mike a chance to speak for himself. Mike said, "I ask for NO leniency. I just want to make something good out of what I did and make the world better." My heart swelled with pride for him in that moment. Then, the cocky prosecutor stood to speak, and each of us was entirely blown away. He was choked up! His voice was strained and his eyes were watery. He said he hated to ask for any punitive action. Most of the time, the people he sees in court for Mike's particular offenses are "dirty old men", but it was clear to him that Mike did not fall in that category. The sentence he asked for, because of that, was entirely for the sake of providing the mental rehabilitation that might not have been available outside of the court system.
The judge gave his sentence then, but not before saying that "we need[ed] King Solomon to come handle this case." He looked at his notes & papers for a minute, and then gave Mike five years in prison, then another five years of house arrest, and of course he'll be registered the rest of his life. We'd been told that the guidelines for Mike's conviction were 7-12 years in prison, and were all sort of prepared to hear something like that, so we were thrilled that he'd given Mike a lesser sentence.
Mike was led out of the room then, and the judge left, and the rest of us filed out of the courtroom. We stood just outside the courtroom for a little while, just processing it before trying to talk about what to do next. While we were standing out there, one of the court officials came out into the hallway and got Taylor's attention. He pulled him to the side, near me, and asked "Sir, do you know what y'all just did?" Taylor looked a little confused, but he smiled, and the man said "That judge (who was probably in his 70s) has NEVER gone below the guidelines. In fact, he usually sticks to the high end! You people just cut that man's sentence in HALF." He patted Taylor on the shoulder and then went back into the courtroom. Taylor grinned from ear to ear, and I finally just broke down in tears. Happy tears, but the emotion of the day finally all caught up with me. As the group started for the elevators to leave the courthouse, Elizabeth held back a little and walked with me. She held my hand and didn't say anything, which was perfect, and I realized again what incredible friends my God blessed me with.
I went into the bathroom to compose myself before leaving the building, and then we all went to lunch and celebrated. It had been a very emotional, but very beautiful, morning, and one I'm not likely to forget.
The next day, I found myself in the awkward position of being the one to tell Mike's mom how it had gone. I thought someone else would have called her already, but apparently I was the first. I called with the intent of finding out how she'd taken it all, but found that she had no idea what the outcome had been, so I related the whole story of the day to her, and listened while she blamed herself for the things he'd done to get there in the first place. I tried to soothe her and let her know that she couldn't afford to blame herself, and I just tried to be a comfort to her. It was the first time we'd spoken in a long time, so, as difficult as it was, it was nice.
Since that day, Mike and I have written a few letters to each other. I never wanted him to feel forgotten or abandoned. I know he needs good friends on the outside of the prison walls, so he'll know he has a good place to go when he leaves them. He needs to know that he'll have a support group and people to surround him and love him when a lot of the world will have a hard time with that. I decided one day that I might want to visit him at some point, so I asked Taylor how to go about doing that, should I ever decide to go. He said there was a form to fill out, and that he'd get Elizabeth to send me a copy of it. When she sent it, I filled it out and mailed it back on the very same day. I wanted to get the process started quickly, so that when and if the urge to visit struck me, I'd be able to go, according to the law.
His most recent letter worried me, though Daddy and Taylor both said that they thought he was just describing his surroundings and that he himself sounded fine. Nonetheless, I was worried, so I called Taylor and told him that I wanted to see Mike, but not alone. I didn't know the process of getting into the prison, and the whole idea was rather intimidating. I asked Taylor to take me, at least the first time, and he agreed.
I'd actually really wanted to go on Labor Day, since I had an extra day off from work, but Taylor had to be out of town. Instead, we went on Sunday, September 12. I think now that I've been through the process, I'll feel alright going on my own next time, but I just really didn't want to try to get into a federal prison by myself. He picked me up at 6 :30 in the morning... and if you know me at all, you know I'm NOT a morning person. I had to get up at 5, haha! Taylor had told me not to wear orange or khaki (which I don't anyway) and other than that, to dress like I would to go through airport security. I wore a cute top & jeans & flip flops, and we drove an hour and a half to the prison.
It LOOKED like a prison...middle of nowhere, nothin' else around except for the next level security prison campus across a field. Concrete block & fences with the curly barbed wire at the top...a total cliché. It really is like you see on television. When I told Josh about it the other day, he said it made him think of "The Shawshank Redemption", and I laughed, because I'd just watched it the night before with David & Angela. Probably not the best idea I've ever had, but it's a great movie! Anyway...I've driven by prisons before, but actually walking up to one is SO intimidating!
After the crazy early morning & long drive, Taylor and I walked in and the guard at the door looked Taylor over, then me, then looked back at Taylor & said very matter-of-factly, "She can't come in." Taylor looked at her and asked why, and she said, "No open toed shoes. I can't let her in." Gah! Taylor went white, looked at me, and threw his hands up in that "I don't know!" position & said "I had NO IDEA." He asked the guard if we could go on & fill out the admission form, and we'd go back out to his car to see if his wife happened to have any shoes out there. She gave us the forms (they're numbered & they take you in batches, so we wanted to be as early in the numbers as possible.) We went to his car, but had no luck finding shoes. There was another guard in the parking lot, just coming on or off her shift, and he asked her where we could go to get an allowable pair of shoes. She told us how to get to a Walmart, and naturally, none of the $5 flats had my size in stock. The $5 ones were ugly anyway. Taylor felt so bad for not knowing about that rule that he bought the shoes for me. I tried not to let him but he insisted. We headed back to the prison, and I filled out my admission form in the car on the way. Taylor did his once we got in, and we turned them in at the desk with our IDs. A minute later, they called my name over the loud speaker, so I went back to the desk. The woman there said, "You can't use blue ink." (Why didn't she say that when I handed it to her in the first place? and it wasn't written on the form anywhere.) I had to re-do that, but she was nice and gave me the same number. I turned it in again & went back to sit down with Taylor, and as soon as my derriere hit the chair, they called me again. They had to take my picture that time...I don't know why.
I went back to the visitor's room (but didn't bother sitting down that time, just in case) and the guard came in a couple minutes later to get everybody. We went through a metal detector, just like at an airport...shoes & jewelry went into a bucket to be x-rayed, and we walked through the detector gate. It went off on me. They sent me through again, and it went off again, so they sent me through a third time. It went off again! The guard asked if there was an underwire in my bra, and I said yes. She said that's probably what it was, but she'd have to wand me. Yikes! She took me into a side room and had me stand spread-eagle, and she passed the wand over me. It didn't go off at my chest...it went off at my crotch. My only guess is that it was the zipper on my jeans...but oh my GOSH I panicked! I thought they were going to strip search me or something! She didn't, thank goodness. I suppose she assumed the same thing I did about it and didn't pursue it further. Taylor had a slightly worried look on his face when I came back out of the room, but he got a good laugh out of it when I told him what happened.
A guard then stamped our hands with an invisible/ultraviolet stamp, which we had to show to another guard like two feet away, within eyesight of the one who stamped us, and they took us through a locked door. We were cloistered in this tiny little room until they closed the first door and opened a second, and you know that LOUD buzzer that goes off on tv when they open gates & doors in prisons? Well, it's even louder. We got through the second door and went outside into the yard, and up to another building, where another guard checked our clothes before letting us in. Another guard inside that door checked our hands for the stamps, and THEN they called the inmates.
This is a LOW security prison! I can't imagine what the process would be for a maximum! Once we were in, though, it was really laid back...just a big open room with chairs & coffee tables...the cheap lawn furniture type...and vending machines. The inmates couldn't go to the vending machines, but the visitors could get stuff for them, which was nice, since it's stuff they don't normally get. We got Mike the first Dr Pepper he'd had in 10 months. We just sat & talked. We stayed for two & a half hours, and Taylor found lots of convenient excuses to leave Mike and I on our own, so I had a good bit of time to talk one-on-one with him.
I guess I'd read a tone into that letter that wasn't actually there, because he's doing REALLY well! He was a little nervous to see me (Taylor said that, not me) but generally, he was more relaxed than I've ever seen him. He was always really tense...you could see it in his shoulders. I had literally NEVER seen him with his shoulders relaxed until that Sunday. It really was amazing! Most people that knew him before have been kinda shocked when I said he was so at ease, but it's like having that horrible secret brought to light just totally relieved him. He's not bearing the weight of it anymore. He talked a lot about how free he actually feels, because he's not covering up this terrible thing in his life now...and he's especially not hiding it from himself. There was not even a HINT of the darkness in his face that I used to see...not a hint.
I think I hugged him a dozen times that day...not that that's surprising, coming from me! My heart has a lot to process, though. The man I saw that day was the man I *thought* I married. My logical brain knows I can't afford to go back to him. It'd kill so many of my dreams...but my heart is just kind of exploding. I'm proud of the progress he's made. I'm thrilled at the faith he's exhibited in this, and the change I've seen in him. I KNOW that Jesus, The Healer, has worked in him.
I loved being able, at long last, to look him in the eyes and tell him that I've forgiven him. That I'm not angry at him anymore. I loved telling him about the moment that all of that negativity was washed out of me. I can only imagine what the lifting of HIS burden must have felt like, because I know his was much greater than mine. He wants to help people as a result of his experiences. He wants to help those with addictions like his to break free of the prisons they create for themselves, so that they can experience the freedom found only in a closer walk with God. He's going to be an inspiration to a lot of people...he already is to me. We're going to be friends for the rest of our lives. I'm confident about that...and I can't wait to see where his life takes him and the lives that God can change working through him.
I'm not trying to preach, but forgiveness is such an incredibly beautiful thing. It is beautiful for the recipient, but for the giver as well. It is perhaps even more beautiful for the giver, since sometimes the recipient never even knows. Having given up the burden of anger and hurt, there is a lightness and feeling of freedom in my own heart and soul and that has allowed me to smile and laugh again in a way that I thought might never happen again. There is a block of time several months long from the beginning of all of this that is nothing more than a blur. I remember a few specific things, but if you were to ask me about Christmas that year, I would describe pictures that my dad took...not memories. I didn't start experiencing my own life again until sometime the following Spring. But now...I have hope again. I can love again. I can laugh again...and I can even love and laugh with Mike again. I can't see myself ever being his wife again, but I do and will consider him a friend.
If you read all of that, thank you. I hope it somehow enriches you and inspires you. I wrote it all down because I don't want to forget it, ever. I hope it all makes sense. I didn't write it to say "Oh, look at me, look how good I am..." because I'm not. I know that God worked in me to allow my fallible human heart to experience the divine, and I truly hope that you can experience that miracle, too. It is a mere glimpse, I think, of the wonder of God's grace.
I hope you'll keep praying for Mike, that God will continue to use him to shine a light into the darkness around him. Pray that God will protect him when he starts opening up to the people around him about what he's done. Pray that he holds on to the Rock of Salvation when his body leaves the prison and goes back out into a world where he'll face temptation again. And pray for me, that I never forget or take for granted The God who led me through everything, or the family and friends who incarnated that same God in my life when I couldn't see Him myself.
**Quick Edit**
In spite of the time stamp, I posted this on Tuesday, September 21...it took FOUR DAYS to get it all out! :-)
A year after our divorce was finalized, my ex-husband was convicted just before Christmas 2009 on charges of possession of child pornography. The drama of our separation and subsequent divorce was finally over, I thought, but I also thought I would never be able to forgive him. After a little while, I decided to write to him. I felt compassion enough that I didn't want him to think I hated him, or that he'd been locked away & forgotten. I got his address from our friend Taylor, who we knew from church. That was in January, because I told him about all the snow we had, and how Harding & Abby (our/my cats) reacted to it. He wrote back a couple of weeks later, and I think I might have written once more between that time and April.
Sometime in February, I think, Taylor made an announcement at church that caught me completely off-guard. I was sitting with him & his family (wife, Elizabeth, and their four kids) and he got up to announce that Mike's lawyer was collecting letters to petition the judge overseeing Mike's case for leniency. I wasn't expecting anything like that that day, and I'm still not sure why it shook me up the way it did, but I remember that I wound up sobbing. I thought about it the rest of the service, and at the end, I asked Taylor for the instruction sheet for writing the letters. I said I didn't know if I would...if I'd even be ABLE, but I wanted to know how just in case. I debated with myself for weeks, and finally about a month later, sat down to write. Mike's letters told me that he was doing better; told me that when the spotlight was thrown onto the secret he'd hidden for so long, it had released him from its grasp. I asked the judge to be merciful...not to ignore the crime, but to rule to help Mike rather than just punish him. I said at the beginning that I knew it might seem strange that I, who divorced him over the whole matter, would advocate for him. The letter went on to ask that his sentence not be harsh, but that it include some form of counseling or therapy. I said I was confident that he would be a better man from then on.
Writing that letter was done as much for myself as for Mike. It was a conscious decision to forgive him. Every word was sincere, but after writing it, I woke each morning and had to decide over and over again to forgive him. Most days, I was able to, though some days still presented a struggle, but it got easier.
March and April presented me with another decision. I hadn't witnessed any of the legal proceedings in dealing with all of this, aside from our divorce hearing. I hadn't been questioned in relation to anything. I didn't see the men who came to confiscate Mike's computer. I saw their car, only by accident, but I never saw them. When his sentencing date came up, I asked Taylor if it was something I could attend if I wanted to. He said yes, and that he was going, too, so I could ride with him if I decided to go. Again, I deliberated for a while...probably about a month...and when it got down to a couple of days before the sentencing, I decided to go. I called Taylor and said I was in, and he said that there were some others from Covenant going as well, and we made arrangements to carpool to Little Rock. I felt like I needed to see it for myself. I'd known all along what was happening, but I hadn't seen it and that made it feel surreal; like a bad dream. I needed to make it real so I could move past it.
I met up with the group the morning of the sentencing (April 16, 2010). Taylor & Elizabeth knew I was coming, but I don't think any of the others did. Some of them didn't know me...they were friends Mike had made after we parted & I'd never met them. As it turned out, two of these strangers were among my traveling companions that day. Taylor drove his SUV, Wayne rode in front with him, Elizabeth & her boys rode in the back, and I was in the middle with two people I didn't know. I've become friends with one of them since...his name is Mat. I was really quiet on the ride out there...just kind of staring out the window. Elizabeth reached forward & asked if I was alright, and I said yes, and that I was just processing & trying to keep my nerves under control. Mat asked why I was nervous, and he and the girl on the other side of him sort of recoiled in shock when I told them I was Mike's ex-wife. It was actually pretty funny to see their faces.
When we got to the courthouse in Little Rock, I think the security guards were surprised to see a group of about twenty people coming in the door. It really was an incredible showing of support for Mike. I met Chris, Mike's lawyer, in the lobby. He seemed like a very nice man. There was another sentencing ahead of Mike's...a woman...and it was the same judge. It was clear to me that this man was pretty much by-the-book. It was also clear to me that the prosecuting attorney was young and cocky. He walked into the courtroom like he was king. I thought that they were going to throw the book at Mike when his turn came. I was glad that we were there for the hearing preceding Mike's...I thought it would prepare me for his. But I was very wrong. The judge didn't read the details of her offenses...just the charges & his ruling, followed by his sentence for her. I don't remember either lawyer speaking...they were just there, and it was over very quickly.
When Mike was brought into the room, he was in a bright orange jumpsuit and ankle shackles and I believe handcuffs, though the handcuffs were removed shortly after they brought him into the room. I hadn't expected that...I guess I thought he'd be in street clothes, or even dressed up, so it was a shock to see him that way. His hair was buzzed short, and it was clear that he'd been working out a lot, because he looked pretty buff. My totally erratic mind's first thought was "Oh my GOSH he looks good!", to which the other part of my brain thought "What?! You can't think that way about him. Not anymore." The tugging at my heart had begun.
Mike slowly scanned the room upon realizing that there were people there to support him. Because of where I was sitting, I was one of the last that he saw, and at first, his eyes sort of skipped over me, it seemed. It was like he saw me without recognizing me. But then it seemed to click with him and he came back to me and I could see something between surprise, confusion, and maybe fear in his eyes. I hadn't told him I'd written to the judge, so he had no idea what my purpose in being there was. I gave him a little smile, though, and I saw his eyes swell with tears and he swallowed hard & smiled back at me. He then started back at the beginning and smiled individually at everyone present and kept patting his heart with his hand in a gesture of thanks.
When the judge came in, he read ALL of the charges. Up to that point, I knew the charges, but not the specifics, and I hadn't heard what had been found on the confiscated computer. The numbers terrified me and I just closed my eyes and ears after hearing the numbers and started praying. I prayed that I wouldn't hate him, and I prayed it over and over and over again and wouldn't let myself cry. That moment passed and when I looked up at Mike, I felt all the anger I felt toward him dissipate, and it hasn't returned. I've had recurrences of anger at what happened, but none that were directed at Mike. In that moment, I went from *choosing* to forgive him, minute by minute, to finally forgiving him completely. I felt the change from human forgiveness to a divine forgiveness that I KNOW my God put in my heart...and it is a beautiful thing.
After the charges & findings were gone over, the judge allowed statements from people in the group. He said he normally doesn't allow that, but that given the showing that day, he would. Four or five men raised their hands when he asked who wanted to speak, and Taylor went up first, followed by his brother, Spencer, then Luke, then a guy I didn't know, named Dane. Taylor said he knew Mike from church, and that he was confident that Mike would ever after stay away from his addiction. Spencer said that he also knew Mike from church in Searcy, and the judge interrupted him, saying in his deep, slow Southern drawl, "I've spoken down in Searcy a time or two, but my family has been Methodist since the Crucifixion, and I don't know what y'all think about that." Most of us gave an uneasy laugh, but Spencer took it in stride and said "Well, sir, we're all one in Christ." The atmosphere in the room immediately shifted. The judge liked us. He knew we respected him. We knew he'd listen to us and maybe be lenient. Taylor's father-in-law, John, went up after that, and then a doctor Mike knew from after we split. That was a neat testimony, too...the judge asked him if he was a medical doctor, and he said yes, and then the judge said "I'd like to have your opinion as a medical professional. What would you recommend to treat this man?" The doctor said "It's a pretty controversial opinion, sir." The judge interjected with "I know it's controversial. I want your opinion!" (he was smiling as he said it) and the doctor said "I believe that Jesus Christ is the only Healer, and that Michael won't be healed without Him." And this by-the-book federal judge smiled and genuinely thanked him! Wayne spoke after that, and then, he was coming back to sit down, the judge asked if anyone else wanted to speak.
I found myself on my feet before I realized what I was doing. A second later, I DID realize what I was doing, and thought, "Oh, God...what AM I doing??" and then figured it was too late to sit back down, so I went forward. I am NOT a public speaker...my hands sweat, my voice goes quiet, and my speech speeds up. Mike, who was standing at a podium facing the judge, didn't see me coming, but when he looked to see who was standing beside him, I saw the same surprise/confusion/fear in his face as when he walked into the courtroom & saw me. Naturally, I had no idea what to say, since I hadn't planned to speak (I hadn't even thought there would be opportunity, and wouldn't have thought ahead of time to take it anyway). So I introduced myself to the judge, as the others had done, and his response was "Yes, ma'am, I read your letter with *considerable* interest." I mumbled "Thank you" and glanced over at Mike, and saw tears in his eyes again. I asked the judge for mercy for Mike. I said that I firmly believed that he would never have acted on his sickness; that I knew he would be a better man on the other side. At least, that's what I *wanted* to say. I got really emotional pretty quickly and am not convinced that anyone understood a word of what I said. When I got to the point where it was clear that my speech had become unintelligible due to the lump in my throat and my nerves, I said "Thank you" to the judge and I think gave some strange little curtsy (the image of that in my head is rather comical, really) and then I laid a hand on Mike's arm before making a bee-line for my seat. I didn't look at anybody...just the floor and my seat, and then I sat down VERY quickly & just sort of stared at the judge, who then gave Mike a chance to speak for himself. Mike said, "I ask for NO leniency. I just want to make something good out of what I did and make the world better." My heart swelled with pride for him in that moment. Then, the cocky prosecutor stood to speak, and each of us was entirely blown away. He was choked up! His voice was strained and his eyes were watery. He said he hated to ask for any punitive action. Most of the time, the people he sees in court for Mike's particular offenses are "dirty old men", but it was clear to him that Mike did not fall in that category. The sentence he asked for, because of that, was entirely for the sake of providing the mental rehabilitation that might not have been available outside of the court system.
The judge gave his sentence then, but not before saying that "we need[ed] King Solomon to come handle this case." He looked at his notes & papers for a minute, and then gave Mike five years in prison, then another five years of house arrest, and of course he'll be registered the rest of his life. We'd been told that the guidelines for Mike's conviction were 7-12 years in prison, and were all sort of prepared to hear something like that, so we were thrilled that he'd given Mike a lesser sentence.
Mike was led out of the room then, and the judge left, and the rest of us filed out of the courtroom. We stood just outside the courtroom for a little while, just processing it before trying to talk about what to do next. While we were standing out there, one of the court officials came out into the hallway and got Taylor's attention. He pulled him to the side, near me, and asked "Sir, do you know what y'all just did?" Taylor looked a little confused, but he smiled, and the man said "That judge (who was probably in his 70s) has NEVER gone below the guidelines. In fact, he usually sticks to the high end! You people just cut that man's sentence in HALF." He patted Taylor on the shoulder and then went back into the courtroom. Taylor grinned from ear to ear, and I finally just broke down in tears. Happy tears, but the emotion of the day finally all caught up with me. As the group started for the elevators to leave the courthouse, Elizabeth held back a little and walked with me. She held my hand and didn't say anything, which was perfect, and I realized again what incredible friends my God blessed me with.
I went into the bathroom to compose myself before leaving the building, and then we all went to lunch and celebrated. It had been a very emotional, but very beautiful, morning, and one I'm not likely to forget.
The next day, I found myself in the awkward position of being the one to tell Mike's mom how it had gone. I thought someone else would have called her already, but apparently I was the first. I called with the intent of finding out how she'd taken it all, but found that she had no idea what the outcome had been, so I related the whole story of the day to her, and listened while she blamed herself for the things he'd done to get there in the first place. I tried to soothe her and let her know that she couldn't afford to blame herself, and I just tried to be a comfort to her. It was the first time we'd spoken in a long time, so, as difficult as it was, it was nice.
Since that day, Mike and I have written a few letters to each other. I never wanted him to feel forgotten or abandoned. I know he needs good friends on the outside of the prison walls, so he'll know he has a good place to go when he leaves them. He needs to know that he'll have a support group and people to surround him and love him when a lot of the world will have a hard time with that. I decided one day that I might want to visit him at some point, so I asked Taylor how to go about doing that, should I ever decide to go. He said there was a form to fill out, and that he'd get Elizabeth to send me a copy of it. When she sent it, I filled it out and mailed it back on the very same day. I wanted to get the process started quickly, so that when and if the urge to visit struck me, I'd be able to go, according to the law.
His most recent letter worried me, though Daddy and Taylor both said that they thought he was just describing his surroundings and that he himself sounded fine. Nonetheless, I was worried, so I called Taylor and told him that I wanted to see Mike, but not alone. I didn't know the process of getting into the prison, and the whole idea was rather intimidating. I asked Taylor to take me, at least the first time, and he agreed.
I'd actually really wanted to go on Labor Day, since I had an extra day off from work, but Taylor had to be out of town. Instead, we went on Sunday, September 12. I think now that I've been through the process, I'll feel alright going on my own next time, but I just really didn't want to try to get into a federal prison by myself. He picked me up at 6 :30 in the morning... and if you know me at all, you know I'm NOT a morning person. I had to get up at 5, haha! Taylor had told me not to wear orange or khaki (which I don't anyway) and other than that, to dress like I would to go through airport security. I wore a cute top & jeans & flip flops, and we drove an hour and a half to the prison.
It LOOKED like a prison...middle of nowhere, nothin' else around except for the next level security prison campus across a field. Concrete block & fences with the curly barbed wire at the top...a total cliché. It really is like you see on television. When I told Josh about it the other day, he said it made him think of "The Shawshank Redemption", and I laughed, because I'd just watched it the night before with David & Angela. Probably not the best idea I've ever had, but it's a great movie! Anyway...I've driven by prisons before, but actually walking up to one is SO intimidating!
After the crazy early morning & long drive, Taylor and I walked in and the guard at the door looked Taylor over, then me, then looked back at Taylor & said very matter-of-factly, "She can't come in." Taylor looked at her and asked why, and she said, "No open toed shoes. I can't let her in." Gah! Taylor went white, looked at me, and threw his hands up in that "I don't know!" position & said "I had NO IDEA." He asked the guard if we could go on & fill out the admission form, and we'd go back out to his car to see if his wife happened to have any shoes out there. She gave us the forms (they're numbered & they take you in batches, so we wanted to be as early in the numbers as possible.) We went to his car, but had no luck finding shoes. There was another guard in the parking lot, just coming on or off her shift, and he asked her where we could go to get an allowable pair of shoes. She told us how to get to a Walmart, and naturally, none of the $5 flats had my size in stock. The $5 ones were ugly anyway. Taylor felt so bad for not knowing about that rule that he bought the shoes for me. I tried not to let him but he insisted. We headed back to the prison, and I filled out my admission form in the car on the way. Taylor did his once we got in, and we turned them in at the desk with our IDs. A minute later, they called my name over the loud speaker, so I went back to the desk. The woman there said, "You can't use blue ink." (Why didn't she say that when I handed it to her in the first place? and it wasn't written on the form anywhere.) I had to re-do that, but she was nice and gave me the same number. I turned it in again & went back to sit down with Taylor, and as soon as my derriere hit the chair, they called me again. They had to take my picture that time...I don't know why.
I went back to the visitor's room (but didn't bother sitting down that time, just in case) and the guard came in a couple minutes later to get everybody. We went through a metal detector, just like at an airport...shoes & jewelry went into a bucket to be x-rayed, and we walked through the detector gate. It went off on me. They sent me through again, and it went off again, so they sent me through a third time. It went off again! The guard asked if there was an underwire in my bra, and I said yes. She said that's probably what it was, but she'd have to wand me. Yikes! She took me into a side room and had me stand spread-eagle, and she passed the wand over me. It didn't go off at my chest...it went off at my crotch. My only guess is that it was the zipper on my jeans...but oh my GOSH I panicked! I thought they were going to strip search me or something! She didn't, thank goodness. I suppose she assumed the same thing I did about it and didn't pursue it further. Taylor had a slightly worried look on his face when I came back out of the room, but he got a good laugh out of it when I told him what happened.
A guard then stamped our hands with an invisible/ultraviolet stamp, which we had to show to another guard like two feet away, within eyesight of the one who stamped us, and they took us through a locked door. We were cloistered in this tiny little room until they closed the first door and opened a second, and you know that LOUD buzzer that goes off on tv when they open gates & doors in prisons? Well, it's even louder. We got through the second door and went outside into the yard, and up to another building, where another guard checked our clothes before letting us in. Another guard inside that door checked our hands for the stamps, and THEN they called the inmates.
This is a LOW security prison! I can't imagine what the process would be for a maximum! Once we were in, though, it was really laid back...just a big open room with chairs & coffee tables...the cheap lawn furniture type...and vending machines. The inmates couldn't go to the vending machines, but the visitors could get stuff for them, which was nice, since it's stuff they don't normally get. We got Mike the first Dr Pepper he'd had in 10 months. We just sat & talked. We stayed for two & a half hours, and Taylor found lots of convenient excuses to leave Mike and I on our own, so I had a good bit of time to talk one-on-one with him.
I guess I'd read a tone into that letter that wasn't actually there, because he's doing REALLY well! He was a little nervous to see me (Taylor said that, not me) but generally, he was more relaxed than I've ever seen him. He was always really tense...you could see it in his shoulders. I had literally NEVER seen him with his shoulders relaxed until that Sunday. It really was amazing! Most people that knew him before have been kinda shocked when I said he was so at ease, but it's like having that horrible secret brought to light just totally relieved him. He's not bearing the weight of it anymore. He talked a lot about how free he actually feels, because he's not covering up this terrible thing in his life now...and he's especially not hiding it from himself. There was not even a HINT of the darkness in his face that I used to see...not a hint.
I think I hugged him a dozen times that day...not that that's surprising, coming from me! My heart has a lot to process, though. The man I saw that day was the man I *thought* I married. My logical brain knows I can't afford to go back to him. It'd kill so many of my dreams...but my heart is just kind of exploding. I'm proud of the progress he's made. I'm thrilled at the faith he's exhibited in this, and the change I've seen in him. I KNOW that Jesus, The Healer, has worked in him.
I loved being able, at long last, to look him in the eyes and tell him that I've forgiven him. That I'm not angry at him anymore. I loved telling him about the moment that all of that negativity was washed out of me. I can only imagine what the lifting of HIS burden must have felt like, because I know his was much greater than mine. He wants to help people as a result of his experiences. He wants to help those with addictions like his to break free of the prisons they create for themselves, so that they can experience the freedom found only in a closer walk with God. He's going to be an inspiration to a lot of people...he already is to me. We're going to be friends for the rest of our lives. I'm confident about that...and I can't wait to see where his life takes him and the lives that God can change working through him.
I'm not trying to preach, but forgiveness is such an incredibly beautiful thing. It is beautiful for the recipient, but for the giver as well. It is perhaps even more beautiful for the giver, since sometimes the recipient never even knows. Having given up the burden of anger and hurt, there is a lightness and feeling of freedom in my own heart and soul and that has allowed me to smile and laugh again in a way that I thought might never happen again. There is a block of time several months long from the beginning of all of this that is nothing more than a blur. I remember a few specific things, but if you were to ask me about Christmas that year, I would describe pictures that my dad took...not memories. I didn't start experiencing my own life again until sometime the following Spring. But now...I have hope again. I can love again. I can laugh again...and I can even love and laugh with Mike again. I can't see myself ever being his wife again, but I do and will consider him a friend.
If you read all of that, thank you. I hope it somehow enriches you and inspires you. I wrote it all down because I don't want to forget it, ever. I hope it all makes sense. I didn't write it to say "Oh, look at me, look how good I am..." because I'm not. I know that God worked in me to allow my fallible human heart to experience the divine, and I truly hope that you can experience that miracle, too. It is a mere glimpse, I think, of the wonder of God's grace.
I hope you'll keep praying for Mike, that God will continue to use him to shine a light into the darkness around him. Pray that God will protect him when he starts opening up to the people around him about what he's done. Pray that he holds on to the Rock of Salvation when his body leaves the prison and goes back out into a world where he'll face temptation again. And pray for me, that I never forget or take for granted The God who led me through everything, or the family and friends who incarnated that same God in my life when I couldn't see Him myself.
**Quick Edit**
In spite of the time stamp, I posted this on Tuesday, September 21...it took FOUR DAYS to get it all out! :-)
Friday, October 9, 2009
What a week!!!
One week ago, Josh, my AMAZING best friend came to visit me! He's my soul-mate, be it romantic or friendship or whatever...he really is! Anyway...his family goes to a cabin in Mountain View, AR, for a few days every year, and he stopped off to stay a night with me in Jonesboro before going on to Searcy to see his family. He drove 17 hours straight, starting at 2 am in Colorado, and arrived at my door at 7:45 last Friday evening. I'd gotten all dolled up...new dress and new shoes...and we went out to dinner at the Fuji Steakhouse, which is a Japanese hibachi restaurant. We had sushi and some of the hibachi stuff, and shared a glass of plum wine, which was quite possibly the best thing I've EVER tasted. My dress was perfect: black, just below the knee, sleeveless, with a cross-over/wrap neckline (I have no idea how to describe the neck...). I usually can't wear that kind of neck, though...I tend to...um...spill out...of them, haha! But this dress fit me absolutely perfectly! It smoothed all my troublesome spots and accentuated my good curves...SO flattering! And I only paid $13 for it! The shoes, though, just might have been my favorite part of the outfit. 3.5" heel, pointed toe (which I usually don't like, but these are actually comfortable!) and the color...Ferrari Red! They've got a pretty little edge detail, too. And Josh has a thing for pretty shoes on a girl ;-) So, when I opened the door when he arrived, we both just kinda grinned at each other for a minute, which was lovely! He gave me a big, LONG awaited hug, and then we went to dinner. After dinner, we came back to my place and talked for a while, and then he picked a movie to watch (Alfred Hitchcock's "Dial 'M' For Murder") which we didn't finish...he'd had a long drive, after all!
We both slept in a bit on Saturday, and then I made breakfast while he made a coffee run for us. We spent the day just kinda lazing around and talking. We spent a few minutes with Jessie, Chris, Casey, and Linda when they came into town, but mostly we just stuck to being the two of us.
Josh and I have talked nearly every day for a year now. I honestly don't know how I would have made it without him...he's been such an incredible friend. And even though this was only maybe the fourth time that we've spent any time face-to-face, it seemed completely natural. It was a BEAUTIFUL weekend!
I rode with him into Searcy on Saturday night, and went to Covenant on Sunday. I love being able to go home to them...there's not much about Searcy that I miss, but I truly miss Covenant and think about them every Sunday that I can't be there. It was great to be with them! Two ladies went forward with praises, thanking God for bringing them through some tough things, and I felt pulled to do the same. I've gone forward a million times asking for prayers for various things, but I've never gone back up to let people know how their prayers have been answered. I figured it was time to finally do that! I was shaking terribly (I'm crazy nervous about speaking in front of people, even when I know and love all of them!) but I managed to say what I wanted to say. I wanted to let them know just how far God has brought me in the last year. I've come through the darkest of dark places (starting last September) and I feel like now I'm finally in a place where there is more light than shadow in my life. It's taken a lot to get here, and I know that I couldn't have without the prayers that I KNOW Covenant offered continually on my behalf, and I just had to tell them that! I cried, of course, but a lot of people came up and surrounded me and prayed over me again, especially some of the women I'm closest to: Elizabeth Ross, Jeannie Burnett, Joyce Dickson, Jo Ronnau. These beautiful ladies have blessed my life beyond measure. My friend Shelby came up, too, and gave me a great big hug that nearly knocked me backward (those are the best kind!)His goofy smile brightened my day even more! I just couldn't contain my joy, and that's a rare feeling for me.
Most of the rest of the week was fairly mundane: work, yoga, trying to motivate myself to do the dishes...
Until last night. Back when I changed my phone number, I posted a status on FaceBook telling people to message me if they wanted my new number, since I don't intend to post it. Amy, Sara's sister, sent me a message with the subject "Sara" and in the body of the message, a phone number. No explanation or anything...just the number. I've been terrified of calling, since I didn't know if Sara was expecting it or if she'd want to talk, after the way things happened four years ago. If you don't remember that: she was my maid of honor and a couple of days later (after I'd gotten my things out of her apartment after the wedding) she just stopped talking to me. No reasons given, nothing apparent to me that would have made her not want to be my friend, especially after literally our entire lifetime of friendship. I've only had one other heartbreak to compare that to, and I honestly am not sure which was worse, and that's saying something. So...I programmed the number into my phone that day, and have danced around calling ever since. Every time I got up the nerve, I shied away...I didn't think I could handle the heartache that potentially awaited me on the other end of the line. I finally broke down and did it yesterday, though. I went into my bed room and sat down on the floor (so that I wouldn't have far to fall if I collapsed, which was entirely possible), took a few deep breaths, closed my eyes, and hit the call button. I knew it was her when she picked up, but I asked anyway, and she said yes, and I very timidly said "This is Penni." She started to SOB and said "Oh, my God! I can't believe you finally called me! I've missed you SO much! I told Amy to give you my number WEEKS ago & then when I didn't hear from you I thought you'd decided you didn't want to talk to me again!" She was so emotional that I could hardly make out her words. I didn't cry...I thought I would...but my reaction was SO strange. My throat was caught in between hysterical laughter and outright weeping, and I think I probably sounded like I was hyperventilating because my body just couldn't figure out what to do. It was probably pretty funny to see, so I'm glad nobody saw it! She said she didn't even know why she stopped talking to me, and that she'd long regretted it. I told her that it didn't even matter anymore; that we're talking now and that's all that I care about. We talked for probably half an hour, and then she had to go, but she told me several times that she wished I was there with her, and that she'd wished that a million times in the last four years and just was too scared or embarrassed to call me. She had to go, so I told her that I still love her SO much and that I'll always be her friend and more than anything, her sister. I cannot WAIT to get back to Fort Worth to see her and catch up, and hold her baby girl (she's being induced on Tuesday). I can't wait!
I'm going to call it a night now, but I just had to record this! I've truly been blessed this week.
We both slept in a bit on Saturday, and then I made breakfast while he made a coffee run for us. We spent the day just kinda lazing around and talking. We spent a few minutes with Jessie, Chris, Casey, and Linda when they came into town, but mostly we just stuck to being the two of us.
Josh and I have talked nearly every day for a year now. I honestly don't know how I would have made it without him...he's been such an incredible friend. And even though this was only maybe the fourth time that we've spent any time face-to-face, it seemed completely natural. It was a BEAUTIFUL weekend!
I rode with him into Searcy on Saturday night, and went to Covenant on Sunday. I love being able to go home to them...there's not much about Searcy that I miss, but I truly miss Covenant and think about them every Sunday that I can't be there. It was great to be with them! Two ladies went forward with praises, thanking God for bringing them through some tough things, and I felt pulled to do the same. I've gone forward a million times asking for prayers for various things, but I've never gone back up to let people know how their prayers have been answered. I figured it was time to finally do that! I was shaking terribly (I'm crazy nervous about speaking in front of people, even when I know and love all of them!) but I managed to say what I wanted to say. I wanted to let them know just how far God has brought me in the last year. I've come through the darkest of dark places (starting last September) and I feel like now I'm finally in a place where there is more light than shadow in my life. It's taken a lot to get here, and I know that I couldn't have without the prayers that I KNOW Covenant offered continually on my behalf, and I just had to tell them that! I cried, of course, but a lot of people came up and surrounded me and prayed over me again, especially some of the women I'm closest to: Elizabeth Ross, Jeannie Burnett, Joyce Dickson, Jo Ronnau. These beautiful ladies have blessed my life beyond measure. My friend Shelby came up, too, and gave me a great big hug that nearly knocked me backward (those are the best kind!)His goofy smile brightened my day even more! I just couldn't contain my joy, and that's a rare feeling for me.
Most of the rest of the week was fairly mundane: work, yoga, trying to motivate myself to do the dishes...
Until last night. Back when I changed my phone number, I posted a status on FaceBook telling people to message me if they wanted my new number, since I don't intend to post it. Amy, Sara's sister, sent me a message with the subject "Sara" and in the body of the message, a phone number. No explanation or anything...just the number. I've been terrified of calling, since I didn't know if Sara was expecting it or if she'd want to talk, after the way things happened four years ago. If you don't remember that: she was my maid of honor and a couple of days later (after I'd gotten my things out of her apartment after the wedding) she just stopped talking to me. No reasons given, nothing apparent to me that would have made her not want to be my friend, especially after literally our entire lifetime of friendship. I've only had one other heartbreak to compare that to, and I honestly am not sure which was worse, and that's saying something. So...I programmed the number into my phone that day, and have danced around calling ever since. Every time I got up the nerve, I shied away...I didn't think I could handle the heartache that potentially awaited me on the other end of the line. I finally broke down and did it yesterday, though. I went into my bed room and sat down on the floor (so that I wouldn't have far to fall if I collapsed, which was entirely possible), took a few deep breaths, closed my eyes, and hit the call button. I knew it was her when she picked up, but I asked anyway, and she said yes, and I very timidly said "This is Penni." She started to SOB and said "Oh, my God! I can't believe you finally called me! I've missed you SO much! I told Amy to give you my number WEEKS ago & then when I didn't hear from you I thought you'd decided you didn't want to talk to me again!" She was so emotional that I could hardly make out her words. I didn't cry...I thought I would...but my reaction was SO strange. My throat was caught in between hysterical laughter and outright weeping, and I think I probably sounded like I was hyperventilating because my body just couldn't figure out what to do. It was probably pretty funny to see, so I'm glad nobody saw it! She said she didn't even know why she stopped talking to me, and that she'd long regretted it. I told her that it didn't even matter anymore; that we're talking now and that's all that I care about. We talked for probably half an hour, and then she had to go, but she told me several times that she wished I was there with her, and that she'd wished that a million times in the last four years and just was too scared or embarrassed to call me. She had to go, so I told her that I still love her SO much and that I'll always be her friend and more than anything, her sister. I cannot WAIT to get back to Fort Worth to see her and catch up, and hold her baby girl (she's being induced on Tuesday). I can't wait!
I'm going to call it a night now, but I just had to record this! I've truly been blessed this week.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Progress, I think.
I posted this on Facebook a while back, but I wanted to have it here, too...
This is long. Fair warning :-)
In January, inspired by my friend Nakeia, I posted list of goals for this year. Not "resolutions", but things I wanted to accomplish for myself. I posted an update a month later. And now that some time has gone by, I thought I'd check in again.
1. Read my Bible every day. Strange as it may seem, I'm going to start with Hosea.
(February) I haven't done this every day, but I did read most of Hosea, and I've read more in spurts. That's far better than before!
(September) Yeah, I dropped the ball on this one. However, I'm going to participate in a series that the Southwest CoC in Jonesboro is doing...check out thestorysw.net.
2. Find something new everyday in my Bible reading, and journal it.
(F) I have not journaled, but just in reading, I've found something each time that I'd never read before.
3. Memorize a verse or passage from my Bible reading (something that sticks out or holds special meaning to me) once a week.
4. Make detailed grocery lists to avoid random purchases that satisfy my immediate hunger. This will also require a meal just before shopping, since food shopping on an empty stomach encourages the impulse purchases.
5. Pay off my credit card in full, by summer, if possible, but certainly by the end of the year.
(F) I've got it back below the credit line!
(S) HA! Hahahaha.....no.
6. Not use my credit card until it's paid off in full, and then only spend on it what I can pay in full that month.
(F)I might as well take it out of my wallet and leave it at home...I don't even think about it being there anymore (meaning that I haven't even touched it in months) so I might as well get rid of the bulk!
(S) I think I've used my card once, and then only to buy gas.
7. Make and stick to my budget.
8. Save a higher percentage of my income.
(S) I think I'm holding more out per check. Bigger rebate :-) And, if it's not actually give to me right away, I can't *spend* it right away.
9. Lose weight in a healthy fashion.
(F) I've joined SparkPeople.com. I think that'll be a good start! And I bought a scale, and upon weighing myself for the first time, had the pleasant surprise of being about twenty pounds less than I was expecting!
(S) After I moved to Jonesboro, I bought a yoga dvd and equipment. I've been using it for two months and have lost 20 pounds and a clothing size!
10. Focus on toning my body between now and early summer, so that I have a decent appearance as a bridesmaid in my oldest friend's wedding.
(S) I didn't start this in time for Kat's wedding, but hey...better late than never!
11. Save enough money to be able to pay for my dress for Kathy's wedding, and the trip to Fort Worth, without racking up any additional credit card debt.
(S) The dress was given to me, and my parents decided to go, so I wound up not being out any money on my own expenses, other than shoes. I *did* manage to save enough to get fun stuff for the bachelorette party and presents.
12. Pray every morning and every night, and mean it.
(F) I'm praying more often, at least. Still not every day, and certainly not more than once, but I'm making headway into forming the habit.
(S) I'm probably praying about as often as I did in February. No improvement there...but at least I haven't gone backwards!
13. Find the little local restaurants and go to them instead of the big chains.
(F) I went to The Bulldog Restaurant in Bald Knob the other day...I'll definitely be back. Oh, those chicken strips were wonderful! So was the lemon ice-box pie :-D
(S) I've scouted out the local coffee shops in Jonesboro. As far as restaurants go, though, I still don't like eating out alone, so...I mostly get drive-through if I don't cook for myself.
14. Use cash more often. Having been a part of a small business, I know how unfriendly credit cards can be, even to the people receiving the payment...I'd like to pay people in such a way that I know that they are getting every penny they deserve from me.
(F) I've been better about this, too. Since I'm not using my credit card anymore, it's a lot easier to remember exactly how much I have to spend, and most of the time, I don't spend unless I have cash, simply because I hate having to balance my checkbook.
(S) For the same reason I had in February, yes. I've had to keep a very close eye on my spending. I still have a bad habit of impulse buying, but at least now it's all paid up front rather than doubling and tripling due to credit card interest.
15. Do less impulse spending. This means less time at Barnes & Noble, Hastings, and clothing stores.
~See above. Using cash limits impulse spending. Can't spend whatcha don't have, right?
16. Tell people about Jesus, and in such a way to make Him real and accessible to them.
17. Spend time outside as often as possible, be it a five minute walk to the Shoppe or a couple of hours in the park. I need sunshine.
(S) I walk to get the mail at work every day. My arms are starting to have a little color :-) Now that the weather is beginning to cool, I'll spend some time walking the neighborhood, too...there are lots of pretty houses here, and what looks like a great library just a couple blocks away!
18. Grab a friend or two and go somewhere we've never been.
(S) Does moving to an unfamiliar town count?
19. Be honest with myself EVERYDAY.
(F) This is why I bought that scale. I've been better in other ways, too.
(S) I've gotten comfortable with being honest with myself about my weight (which probably contributes to my finally losing some!) I'm also beginning to accept some other things, like the very real possibility that I'll never give birth to a child. I don't like that fact any more than I used to, but I'm beginning to grasp the reality of it, at least. I'll definitely be adopting.
20. Have better thoughts about people.
(F) Unless you're talking about Sallie Mae, I've generally had more pleasant thoughts about people.
(S) Thoughts about Sallie Mae have gotten worse. Thoughts about others have generally been better.
21. Banish gossip.
(F) It's not totally gone, but it's a whole lot better, at least.
(S) Better, though only time will tell if that's my fault or the fact that I don't know anybody here to gossip *with*.
22. Be less afraid of buying music from groups I'm not familiar with. I've never been wrong before...I should trust my instincts more.
(S) Lack of money for this led me to Pandora radio...and Pandora led me to a couple of purchases :-)
23. Buy local art.
24. Save for and buy a potter's wheel and kiln.
25. Take up ceramics again...I loved it, and I don't know why I stopped.
(S) I'd love to find a class in Jonesboro!
26. Blog more.
(F) I've definitely been better about this.
(S) I've trailed off a bit, but that's due mostly to time.
27. Save for and buy a Wii system, particularly the Wii Fit, and USE it.
(S) I went with Yoga instead...MUCH less expensive. I still want a Wii Fit, but it can wait.
28. Clean and organize my house, and keep it that way.
(F) Better. Not perfect yet, but better.
(S) It was getting better, & then I moved. I've STILL got boxes all over the place...but it's gettin' there.
29. Decorate my house with things I already have and love, and get rid of what I don't need.
(S) My apartment doesn't have room for a lot of decoration, so I've only pulled out the stuff I REALLY love. Still working on getting rid of things, though.
30. Start a second blog to document my reading. I read a lot, and have posted my recently read books and comments about them here (in my Extended Info box), as well as what I'm currently reading and what attracted me to it. I want to do this in a more permanent method.
(F) http://thesweetserenityofbooks.blogspot.com/
(S) I've updated the book blog with every book I've had time to read since starting it! And I think I'll be able to pick up the pace again soon.
31. Hang up my clothes and put my laundry away as soon as it’s done, and get control of the pile of shoes by the front door somehow.
(F) The pile of shoes is gone. Laundry still needs work, though.
(S) I'm better about this. Not perfect, but better.
32. Cook my own meal at least 6 times a week, rather than eating out or depending on my parents.
(F) I still eat with my parents a lot, but more for the sake of not being alone rather than necessity. I try to help with groceries when I can.
(S) These days, when I remember to eat, it's almost always a result of my own effort.
33. Do the dishes by hand more often, especially since I'll be dirtying more of them.
(S) I don't have a dishwasher, so I've got no choice! I don't let them pile up like they used to, though.
34. Make up my bed.
35. Spend more time with my Grandma. Maybe surprise her with lunch in the middle of the week from time to time.
(S) Tough to do since I don't live in the same town anymore, but I make a point of seeing her when I'm there.
36. Control my emotions.
(S) I'm a little better, I think. I'm farther removed from the major stressors now (Mike, divorce, etc.)
37. Cut back on my caffeine intake.
(S) I could probably count on one hand the number of cokes I've had in the last month. Coffee is still a major habit, but lately, I've been making my own more often, rather than going out for it.
38. Fast food only a couple of times a month.
(S) I'm better about this. I'm still not quite where I'd like to be with it, but I'm definitely better than I used to be.
39. Practice Italian more and teach myself more of it.
(F) I joined LiveMocha. REALLY cool site and you should check it out :-)
(S) Forgot about LiveMocha around the time of the move, but I picked it up again last week!
40. Buy fruits and veggies from local farmers whenever I can. Arkansas produce is actually some of the best I've ever had, so why pay Walmart for the cruddy stuff from California?
(S) I haven't had the funds for this, but I think I've seen a Farmer's Market in Jonesboro, and I fully intend to make use of it when I am able!
41. Be patient with people who annoy me.
(F) I'm workin' on it.
(S) Still workin' on it.
42. Figure out who I am and accept myself.
(F) I'm workin' on this, too!
(S) I've got a little better idea, I think.
43. Define my standards regarding the men I eventually date, and have no fear in asking straightforward questions, no matter the subject. I will not go through another experience like this divorce if I can possibly prevent it.
(F) I'm not dating yet (I still don't know when I'll be ready for that) but I'm getting a clearer picture of what I want.
(S) I haven't started dating yet, but I do have the beginnings of a clear picture about what I want. And I am resolved not to bend or compromise on those specific things. I'm also ready, I think, to start dating again. Slowly.
44. Write handwritten letters to family and friends. USE the tons of stationery that's built up in my desk.
(F) I haven't started writing to people yet, but I bought stamps!
(S) Still haven't actually written. However, I fully intend to write at least one letter this week.
45. Praise God in all things.
(F) I'm getting better :-) It's tough sometimes, but I'm getting better.
(S) This comes and goes. My dark days don't seem quite as dark as they used to, though, and I've absolutely recognized how many blessings I have that I'd always taken for granted before.
This is long. Fair warning :-)
In January, inspired by my friend Nakeia, I posted list of goals for this year. Not "resolutions", but things I wanted to accomplish for myself. I posted an update a month later. And now that some time has gone by, I thought I'd check in again.
1. Read my Bible every day. Strange as it may seem, I'm going to start with Hosea.
(February) I haven't done this every day, but I did read most of Hosea, and I've read more in spurts. That's far better than before!
(September) Yeah, I dropped the ball on this one. However, I'm going to participate in a series that the Southwest CoC in Jonesboro is doing...check out thestorysw.net.
2. Find something new everyday in my Bible reading, and journal it.
(F) I have not journaled, but just in reading, I've found something each time that I'd never read before.
3. Memorize a verse or passage from my Bible reading (something that sticks out or holds special meaning to me) once a week.
4. Make detailed grocery lists to avoid random purchases that satisfy my immediate hunger. This will also require a meal just before shopping, since food shopping on an empty stomach encourages the impulse purchases.
5. Pay off my credit card in full, by summer, if possible, but certainly by the end of the year.
(F) I've got it back below the credit line!
(S) HA! Hahahaha.....no.
6. Not use my credit card until it's paid off in full, and then only spend on it what I can pay in full that month.
(F)I might as well take it out of my wallet and leave it at home...I don't even think about it being there anymore (meaning that I haven't even touched it in months) so I might as well get rid of the bulk!
(S) I think I've used my card once, and then only to buy gas.
7. Make and stick to my budget.
8. Save a higher percentage of my income.
(S) I think I'm holding more out per check. Bigger rebate :-) And, if it's not actually give to me right away, I can't *spend* it right away.
9. Lose weight in a healthy fashion.
(F) I've joined SparkPeople.com. I think that'll be a good start! And I bought a scale, and upon weighing myself for the first time, had the pleasant surprise of being about twenty pounds less than I was expecting!
(S) After I moved to Jonesboro, I bought a yoga dvd and equipment. I've been using it for two months and have lost 20 pounds and a clothing size!
10. Focus on toning my body between now and early summer, so that I have a decent appearance as a bridesmaid in my oldest friend's wedding.
(S) I didn't start this in time for Kat's wedding, but hey...better late than never!
11. Save enough money to be able to pay for my dress for Kathy's wedding, and the trip to Fort Worth, without racking up any additional credit card debt.
(S) The dress was given to me, and my parents decided to go, so I wound up not being out any money on my own expenses, other than shoes. I *did* manage to save enough to get fun stuff for the bachelorette party and presents.
12. Pray every morning and every night, and mean it.
(F) I'm praying more often, at least. Still not every day, and certainly not more than once, but I'm making headway into forming the habit.
(S) I'm probably praying about as often as I did in February. No improvement there...but at least I haven't gone backwards!
13. Find the little local restaurants and go to them instead of the big chains.
(F) I went to The Bulldog Restaurant in Bald Knob the other day...I'll definitely be back. Oh, those chicken strips were wonderful! So was the lemon ice-box pie :-D
(S) I've scouted out the local coffee shops in Jonesboro. As far as restaurants go, though, I still don't like eating out alone, so...I mostly get drive-through if I don't cook for myself.
14. Use cash more often. Having been a part of a small business, I know how unfriendly credit cards can be, even to the people receiving the payment...I'd like to pay people in such a way that I know that they are getting every penny they deserve from me.
(F) I've been better about this, too. Since I'm not using my credit card anymore, it's a lot easier to remember exactly how much I have to spend, and most of the time, I don't spend unless I have cash, simply because I hate having to balance my checkbook.
(S) For the same reason I had in February, yes. I've had to keep a very close eye on my spending. I still have a bad habit of impulse buying, but at least now it's all paid up front rather than doubling and tripling due to credit card interest.
15. Do less impulse spending. This means less time at Barnes & Noble, Hastings, and clothing stores.
~See above. Using cash limits impulse spending. Can't spend whatcha don't have, right?
16. Tell people about Jesus, and in such a way to make Him real and accessible to them.
17. Spend time outside as often as possible, be it a five minute walk to the Shoppe or a couple of hours in the park. I need sunshine.
(S) I walk to get the mail at work every day. My arms are starting to have a little color :-) Now that the weather is beginning to cool, I'll spend some time walking the neighborhood, too...there are lots of pretty houses here, and what looks like a great library just a couple blocks away!
18. Grab a friend or two and go somewhere we've never been.
(S) Does moving to an unfamiliar town count?
19. Be honest with myself EVERYDAY.
(F) This is why I bought that scale. I've been better in other ways, too.
(S) I've gotten comfortable with being honest with myself about my weight (which probably contributes to my finally losing some!) I'm also beginning to accept some other things, like the very real possibility that I'll never give birth to a child. I don't like that fact any more than I used to, but I'm beginning to grasp the reality of it, at least. I'll definitely be adopting.
20. Have better thoughts about people.
(F) Unless you're talking about Sallie Mae, I've generally had more pleasant thoughts about people.
(S) Thoughts about Sallie Mae have gotten worse. Thoughts about others have generally been better.
21. Banish gossip.
(F) It's not totally gone, but it's a whole lot better, at least.
(S) Better, though only time will tell if that's my fault or the fact that I don't know anybody here to gossip *with*.
22. Be less afraid of buying music from groups I'm not familiar with. I've never been wrong before...I should trust my instincts more.
(S) Lack of money for this led me to Pandora radio...and Pandora led me to a couple of purchases :-)
23. Buy local art.
24. Save for and buy a potter's wheel and kiln.
25. Take up ceramics again...I loved it, and I don't know why I stopped.
(S) I'd love to find a class in Jonesboro!
26. Blog more.
(F) I've definitely been better about this.
(S) I've trailed off a bit, but that's due mostly to time.
27. Save for and buy a Wii system, particularly the Wii Fit, and USE it.
(S) I went with Yoga instead...MUCH less expensive. I still want a Wii Fit, but it can wait.
28. Clean and organize my house, and keep it that way.
(F) Better. Not perfect yet, but better.
(S) It was getting better, & then I moved. I've STILL got boxes all over the place...but it's gettin' there.
29. Decorate my house with things I already have and love, and get rid of what I don't need.
(S) My apartment doesn't have room for a lot of decoration, so I've only pulled out the stuff I REALLY love. Still working on getting rid of things, though.
30. Start a second blog to document my reading. I read a lot, and have posted my recently read books and comments about them here (in my Extended Info box), as well as what I'm currently reading and what attracted me to it. I want to do this in a more permanent method.
(F) http://thesweetserenityofb
(S) I've updated the book blog with every book I've had time to read since starting it! And I think I'll be able to pick up the pace again soon.
31. Hang up my clothes and put my laundry away as soon as it’s done, and get control of the pile of shoes by the front door somehow.
(F) The pile of shoes is gone. Laundry still needs work, though.
(S) I'm better about this. Not perfect, but better.
32. Cook my own meal at least 6 times a week, rather than eating out or depending on my parents.
(F) I still eat with my parents a lot, but more for the sake of not being alone rather than necessity. I try to help with groceries when I can.
(S) These days, when I remember to eat, it's almost always a result of my own effort.
33. Do the dishes by hand more often, especially since I'll be dirtying more of them.
(S) I don't have a dishwasher, so I've got no choice! I don't let them pile up like they used to, though.
34. Make up my bed.
35. Spend more time with my Grandma. Maybe surprise her with lunch in the middle of the week from time to time.
(S) Tough to do since I don't live in the same town anymore, but I make a point of seeing her when I'm there.
36. Control my emotions.
(S) I'm a little better, I think. I'm farther removed from the major stressors now (Mike, divorce, etc.)
37. Cut back on my caffeine intake.
(S) I could probably count on one hand the number of cokes I've had in the last month. Coffee is still a major habit, but lately, I've been making my own more often, rather than going out for it.
38. Fast food only a couple of times a month.
(S) I'm better about this. I'm still not quite where I'd like to be with it, but I'm definitely better than I used to be.
39. Practice Italian more and teach myself more of it.
(F) I joined LiveMocha. REALLY cool site and you should check it out :-)
(S) Forgot about LiveMocha around the time of the move, but I picked it up again last week!
40. Buy fruits and veggies from local farmers whenever I can. Arkansas produce is actually some of the best I've ever had, so why pay Walmart for the cruddy stuff from California?
(S) I haven't had the funds for this, but I think I've seen a Farmer's Market in Jonesboro, and I fully intend to make use of it when I am able!
41. Be patient with people who annoy me.
(F) I'm workin' on it.
(S) Still workin' on it.
42. Figure out who I am and accept myself.
(F) I'm workin' on this, too!
(S) I've got a little better idea, I think.
43. Define my standards regarding the men I eventually date, and have no fear in asking straightforward questions, no matter the subject. I will not go through another experience like this divorce if I can possibly prevent it.
(F) I'm not dating yet (I still don't know when I'll be ready for that) but I'm getting a clearer picture of what I want.
(S) I haven't started dating yet, but I do have the beginnings of a clear picture about what I want. And I am resolved not to bend or compromise on those specific things. I'm also ready, I think, to start dating again. Slowly.
44. Write handwritten letters to family and friends. USE the tons of stationery that's built up in my desk.
(F) I haven't started writing to people yet, but I bought stamps!
(S) Still haven't actually written. However, I fully intend to write at least one letter this week.
45. Praise God in all things.
(F) I'm getting better :-) It's tough sometimes, but I'm getting better.
(S) This comes and goes. My dark days don't seem quite as dark as they used to, though, and I've absolutely recognized how many blessings I have that I'd always taken for granted before.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Praying for Jonah
Please pray for this baby...he is the newborn son of a friend of my friend Jessie. (I know that sounds somewhat convoluted; sorry.) He was born with Epidermolysis Bullosa. This disease is just awful but I know that God can and will provide healing and comfort. Please ask Him for that on behalf of this sweet baby boy! If you want more information, just click on the picture above...it is a link to the blog his parents started after they found out about his condition.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Things I'd Like To Accomplish This Year
My friend Nakeia posted a note on Facebook with a list of things that she wants to accomplish in the coming year. Not "New Year's Resolutions," per say, but just things that will improve her life day to day and in the long run. Lots of what she posted applies to me, too, so I copied (and in some cases, tweaked,) the items that I'd like to accomplish for myself, and added some, too. Wish me luck, and perhaps offer encouragement :-) There's no particular order here.
1. Read my Bible every day. Strange as it may seem, I'm going to start with Hosea.
2. Find something new everyday in my Bible reading, and journal it.
3. Memorize a verse or passage from my Bible reading (something that sticks out or holds special meaning to me) once a week.
4. Make detailed grocery lists to avoid random purchases that satisfy my immediate hunger. This will also require a meal just before shopping, since food shopping on an empty stomach encourages the impulse purchases.
5. Pay off my credit card in full, by summer, if possible, but certainly by the end of the year.
6. Not use my credit card until it's paid off in full, and then only spend on it what I can pay in full that month.
7. Make and stick to my budget.
8. Save a higher percentage of my income.
9. Lose weight in a healthy fashion.
10. Focus on toning my body between now and early summer, so that I have a decent appearance as a bridesmaid in my oldest friend's wedding.
11. Save enough money to be able to pay for my dress for Kathy's wedding, and the trip to Fort Worth, without racking up any additional credit card debt.
12. Pray every morning and every night, and mean it.
13. Find the little local restaurants and go to them instead of the big chains.
14. Use cash more often. Having been a part of a small business, I know how unfriendly credit cards can be, even to the people receiving the payment...I'd like to pay people in such a way that I know that they are getting every penny they deserve from me.
15. Do less impulse spending. This means less time at Barnes & Noble, Hastings, and clothing stores.
16. Tell people about Jesus, and in such a way to make Him real and accessible to them.
17. Spend time outside as often as possible, be it a five minute walk to the Shoppe or a couple of hours in the park. I need sunshine.
18. Grab a friend or two and go somewhere we've never been.
19. Be honest with myself EVERYDAY.
20. Have better thoughts about people.
21. Banish gossip.
22. Be less afraid of buying music from groups I'm not familiar with. I've never been wrong before...I should trust my instincts more.
23. Buy local art.
24. Save for and buy a potter's wheel and kiln.
25. Take up ceramics again...I loved it, and I don't know why I stopped.
26. Blog more.
27. Save for and buy a Wii system, particularly the Wii Fit, and USE it.
28. Clean and organize my house, and keep it that way.
29. Decorate my house with things I already have and love, and get rid of what I don't need.
30. Start a second blog to document my reading. I read a lot, and have posted my recently read books and comments about them here (in my Extended Info box), as well as what I'm currently reading and what attracted me to it. I want to do this in a more permanent method.
31. Hang up my clothes and put my laundry away as soon as it’s done, and get control of the pile of shoes by the front door somehow.
32. Cook my own meal at least 6 times a week, rather than eating out or depending on my parents.
33. Do the dishes by hand more often, especially since I'll be dirtying more of them.
34. Make up my bed.
35. Spend more time with my Grandma. Maybe surprise her with lunch in the middle of the week from time to time.
36. Control my emotions.
37. Cut back on my caffeine intake.
38. Fast food only a couple of times a month.
39. Practice Italian more and teach myself more of it.
40. Buy fruits and veggies from local farmers whenever I can. Arkansas produce is actually some of the best I've ever had, so why pay Walmart for the cruddy stuff from California?
41. Be patient with people who annoy me.
42. Figure out who I am and accept myself.
43. Define my standards regarding the men I eventually date, and have no fear in asking straightforward questions, no matter the subject. I will not go through another experience like this divorce if I can possibly prevent it.
44. Write handwritten letters to family and friends. USE the tons of stationery that's built up in my desk.
45. Praise God in all things.
1. Read my Bible every day. Strange as it may seem, I'm going to start with Hosea.
2. Find something new everyday in my Bible reading, and journal it.
3. Memorize a verse or passage from my Bible reading (something that sticks out or holds special meaning to me) once a week.
4. Make detailed grocery lists to avoid random purchases that satisfy my immediate hunger. This will also require a meal just before shopping, since food shopping on an empty stomach encourages the impulse purchases.
5. Pay off my credit card in full, by summer, if possible, but certainly by the end of the year.
6. Not use my credit card until it's paid off in full, and then only spend on it what I can pay in full that month.
7. Make and stick to my budget.
8. Save a higher percentage of my income.
9. Lose weight in a healthy fashion.
10. Focus on toning my body between now and early summer, so that I have a decent appearance as a bridesmaid in my oldest friend's wedding.
11. Save enough money to be able to pay for my dress for Kathy's wedding, and the trip to Fort Worth, without racking up any additional credit card debt.
12. Pray every morning and every night, and mean it.
13. Find the little local restaurants and go to them instead of the big chains.
14. Use cash more often. Having been a part of a small business, I know how unfriendly credit cards can be, even to the people receiving the payment...I'd like to pay people in such a way that I know that they are getting every penny they deserve from me.
15. Do less impulse spending. This means less time at Barnes & Noble, Hastings, and clothing stores.
16. Tell people about Jesus, and in such a way to make Him real and accessible to them.
17. Spend time outside as often as possible, be it a five minute walk to the Shoppe or a couple of hours in the park. I need sunshine.
18. Grab a friend or two and go somewhere we've never been.
19. Be honest with myself EVERYDAY.
20. Have better thoughts about people.
21. Banish gossip.
22. Be less afraid of buying music from groups I'm not familiar with. I've never been wrong before...I should trust my instincts more.
23. Buy local art.
24. Save for and buy a potter's wheel and kiln.
25. Take up ceramics again...I loved it, and I don't know why I stopped.
26. Blog more.
27. Save for and buy a Wii system, particularly the Wii Fit, and USE it.
28. Clean and organize my house, and keep it that way.
29. Decorate my house with things I already have and love, and get rid of what I don't need.
30. Start a second blog to document my reading. I read a lot, and have posted my recently read books and comments about them here (in my Extended Info box), as well as what I'm currently reading and what attracted me to it. I want to do this in a more permanent method.
31. Hang up my clothes and put my laundry away as soon as it’s done, and get control of the pile of shoes by the front door somehow.
32. Cook my own meal at least 6 times a week, rather than eating out or depending on my parents.
33. Do the dishes by hand more often, especially since I'll be dirtying more of them.
34. Make up my bed.
35. Spend more time with my Grandma. Maybe surprise her with lunch in the middle of the week from time to time.
36. Control my emotions.
37. Cut back on my caffeine intake.
38. Fast food only a couple of times a month.
39. Practice Italian more and teach myself more of it.
40. Buy fruits and veggies from local farmers whenever I can. Arkansas produce is actually some of the best I've ever had, so why pay Walmart for the cruddy stuff from California?
41. Be patient with people who annoy me.
42. Figure out who I am and accept myself.
43. Define my standards regarding the men I eventually date, and have no fear in asking straightforward questions, no matter the subject. I will not go through another experience like this divorce if I can possibly prevent it.
44. Write handwritten letters to family and friends. USE the tons of stationery that's built up in my desk.
45. Praise God in all things.
Monday, December 22, 2008
I Have Been Blessed
In the past few days, I read a book called Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. It is a retelling of the story of Hosea and Gomer from the Bible. Michael Hosea is a farmer in California who had moved west during the Gold Rush. Angel (the Gomer character) is a prostitute who has never known another way of life until she meets Michael, who shows her what true love is and what real passion is, and that God is so much more than a mighty being bent on punishment, but rather an incredibly loving Father. She is, throughout the book, riddled with self doubt and self loathing, a denial of God, and so much insecurity, until she finally comes to understand redemption and love. It was a powerful book (at least to me) and I really feel like everyone, particularly every woman, should read it.
I identified more closely with Angel than I'd like to admit. I saw much of myself in her, even down to the dialogue in some places. Some of the words came straight from my own thoughts, it seemed. It is good, though, to look in a mirror from time to time, and to be honest with oneself about the reflection in it.
This read led me to a decision that I should have made long ago. There is much about my past that I'd like to forget, and now that I'm making a new start for myself, those are things that I want to make right this time around. It's a promise I'm making to myself, and I intend to keep it.
At Covenant this morning, a couple of the songs we sang struck me pretty deeply, too:
I identified more closely with Angel than I'd like to admit. I saw much of myself in her, even down to the dialogue in some places. Some of the words came straight from my own thoughts, it seemed. It is good, though, to look in a mirror from time to time, and to be honest with oneself about the reflection in it.
This read led me to a decision that I should have made long ago. There is much about my past that I'd like to forget, and now that I'm making a new start for myself, those are things that I want to make right this time around. It's a promise I'm making to myself, and I intend to keep it.
At Covenant this morning, a couple of the songs we sang struck me pretty deeply, too:
I Surrender All
I felt myself making this promise almost unintentionally, which tells me that it really was coming from my heart, not just my head. My soul wants it.1. All to Jesus I surrender;
all to him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust him,
in his presence daily live.
Refrain:
I surrender all, I surrender all,
all to thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.
2. All to Jesus I surrender;
humbly at his feet I bow,
worldly pleasures all forsaken;
take me, Jesus, take me now.
(Refrain)
3. All to Jesus I surrender;
make me, Savior, wholly thine;
fill me with thy love and power;
truly know that thou art mine.
(Refrain)
4. All to Jesus I surrender;
Lord, I give myself to thee;
fill me with thy love and power;
let thy blessing fall on me.
(Refrain)
He Will Come and Save You
Say to those who are fearful hearted, "Do not be afraid;
The Lord your God is strong with His mighty arm,
When you call out His name." He will come and save.
Chorus:
He will come and save you. He will come and save you.
Say to the weary one, "Your God will surely come."
He will come and save you.
He will come and save you. He will come and save you.
Lift up your eyes to Him, you will arise again.
He will come and save you.
Vs.2
Say to those who are broken hearted, "Do not lose your faith;
The Lord your God is strong with His loving arms,
When you call out his name." He will come and save.
Say to those who are fearful hearted, "Do not be afraid;
The Lord your God is strong with His mighty arm,
When you call out His name." He will come and save.
Chorus:
He will come and save you. He will come and save you.
Say to the weary one, "Your God will surely come."
He will come and save you.
He will come and save you. He will come and save you.
Lift up your eyes to Him, you will arise again.
He will come and save you.
Vs.2
Say to those who are broken hearted, "Do not lose your faith;
The Lord your God is strong with His loving arms,
When you call out his name." He will come and save.
When we sang this song, one of the ladies came and grabbed my hand just as the second verse started. I got a little choked up listening to her singing to me, and after the song was done, she looked at me and said "Something was telling me to come sing that to you...I hope that's okay." and she gave me a big hug. The love that Covenant has shown me amazes me.
I have never consciously thought of my present trials as a means to strengthen my faith. I honestly haven't even tried to turn them into that, and yet it seems to be happening anyway. Things keep clicking into place and, while I don't always feel it, there's a strength inside of me that is not my own, because I've never felt it before. I have this peace about me that tells me I did the right thing and that I shouldn't doubt that. My loneliest nights haven't been fun, by any means, but they have been far more bearable than I expected. I'm finding deeper friendships in people that I wouldn't have imagined, and finding a much broader circle of support than I ever knew was surrounding me. I find myself actually wanting to read my Bible, which has honestly never happened before...I've read because I was supposed to, whether for youth group stuff or classes...but never because I actually had a desire to read God's Word.
I don't *think* I'm going to make it through this...I KNOW I am, because God keeps helping me, and He will continue to provide.
I have never consciously thought of my present trials as a means to strengthen my faith. I honestly haven't even tried to turn them into that, and yet it seems to be happening anyway. Things keep clicking into place and, while I don't always feel it, there's a strength inside of me that is not my own, because I've never felt it before. I have this peace about me that tells me I did the right thing and that I shouldn't doubt that. My loneliest nights haven't been fun, by any means, but they have been far more bearable than I expected. I'm finding deeper friendships in people that I wouldn't have imagined, and finding a much broader circle of support than I ever knew was surrounding me. I find myself actually wanting to read my Bible, which has honestly never happened before...I've read because I was supposed to, whether for youth group stuff or classes...but never because I actually had a desire to read God's Word.
I don't *think* I'm going to make it through this...I KNOW I am, because God keeps helping me, and He will continue to provide.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Hope.
At Covenant this morning we sang both of these songs. During an earlier song (one that was really upbeat) I'd gotten overwhelmed with what's going on, and had to get out of the room. I even lost my shoe on the way out and didn't bother to go back for it...I wanted to get away before I started sobbing. It is really hard to praise right now. After I got myself collected (and my shoe back on) I went back in and "Abide With Me" was the first song we sang. I've always thought it a beautiful hymn. The songleader said something about it always being used for funerals, but it's so much more than that. The second, Be Thou My Vision, also strikes a lot of people as being very mournful, but it struck a chord with me today. I thought I'd share the lyrics...they're beautiful without the music, too:
Abide With Me
Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;
The darkness deepens; Lord with me abide.
When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
Help of the helpless, O abide with me.
Swift to its close ebbs out life’s little day;
Earth’s joys grow dim; its glories pass away;
Change and decay in all around I see;
O Thou who changest not, abide with me.
Come not in terrors, as the King of kings,
But kind and good, with healing in Thy wings,
Tears for all woes, a heart for every plea—
Come, Friend of sinners, and thus bide with me.
Thou on my head in early youth didst smile;
And, though rebellious and perverse meanwhile,
Thou hast not left me, oft as I left Thee,
On to the close, O Lord, abide with me.
I need Thy presence every passing hour.
What but Thy grace can foil the tempter’s power?
Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?
Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.
I fear no foe, with Thee at hand to bless;
Ills have no weight, and tears no bitterness.
Where is death’s sting? Where, grave, thy victory?
I triumph still, if Thou abide with me.
Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes;
Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies.
Heaven’s morning breaks, and earth’s vain shadows flee;
In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.
Be Thou My Vision
Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.
Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.
Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.
Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.
High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.
I just think they're beautiful prayers. I could barely choke the words out over my tears this morning, but I felt every single one. I hope I can keep thinking them, because I don't know what else to even pray.
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