Soul Mates

I'm currently reading Elizabeth Gilbert's book, Eat Pray Love. I tend to find something within the books I read that I really identify with, but with some books, that connection is a lot stronger and easier to see. This particular book has had me doing a lot of soul-searching.

This was a very personal book for her to write...full of raw honesty and actual events and feelings in the year or so after her divorce. When I picked it up, it was simply because I wanted to read it before seeing the movie, but as it turns out, it's a very personal book to me, too. I totally identify with so much of what she's written (and I'm only about half-way through it right now.) The circumstances that led to my divorce were horrible, and I remember that for a while, ALL I wanted was to get AWAY. I wanted to go on a cruise or just take off to Italy or Ireland or really anywhere but here. The difference between Gilbert & me is that somebody actually paid her to do it.

After she left her husband, she fell in love with someone else very quickly. I did, too. And today, I read a chapter from her time in India that resonated with me very deeply with regard to that, and I just wanted to share it. It's part of a conversation between Liz and a man she met at the ashram she stayed at in India...Richard from Texas, who calls her Groceries (you'll have to read it to understand.)

"But I really loved him."

"Big deal. So you fell in love with someone. Don't you see what happened? This guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you thought you were capable of reaching. I mean you got zapped, kiddo. But that love you felt, that's jut the beginning. You just got a taste of love. That's just limited little rinky-dink mortal love. Wait till you see how much more deeply you can love than that. Heck, Groceries - you have the capacity to someday love the whole world. It's your destiny. Don't laugh."

"I'm not laughing." I was actually crying. "And please don't laugh at me now, but I think the reason it's so hard for me to get over this guy is because I seriously believed David was my soul mate."

"He probably was. Your problem is you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can't let this one go. It's over, Groceries. David's purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it's over. Problem is, you can't accept that this relationship had a real short shelf life. You're like a dog at the dump, baby - you're just lickin' at an empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you're not careful, that can's gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it."

"But I love him."

"So love him."

"But I miss him."

"So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, and then drop it. You're just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you'll really be alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she's really alone. But here's what you gotta understand, Groceries. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot - a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in - God will rush in - and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go."

"But I wish me and David could - "

He cuts me off. "See, now that's your problem. You're wishin' too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be."

There have been a lot of passages in this book that caught my eye, but that one just really hit home. And by the way...if you haven't read my last post, you should :-)

Serendipity

Last night after Lifegroup, everybody just kinda sat around talking & one of the guys asked me what I did for a living. I told the group about my job & that it wasn't what I want to do forever. I said I was going to go back to school, most likely for English & marketing or something like that, because I wanted to open a bookstore. I said I'd always loved reading & that Daddy & I had had a little gift shop that I loved. At that point, one of the girls chimed in, "Oh, you should open one! Call it 'Serendipity' or something like that!" I hadn't mentioned the name of the gift shop...I asked her if she'd been in my store, and she said "No, why?" I told her that the name of our shop was The Serendipity Shoppe & everybody kinda gasped and said "See? Now you HAVE to do it!" :-D I think I shall!

Morgan and the Beast

As you all know, my dad and I had a small business just off the town square in Searcy. We had to close recently, since downtown seems to be dead. Since there was never enough traffic through the Shoppe to break even, much less make any profit, there wasn't money enough to pay ourselves, either. I had to get a paying job, and then a few months later, we had to close.
When I was little, one of my very favorite books was a Serendipity Book called Morgan Mine. It is about a very impatient princess and a unicorn. The princess, accustomed to always getting her own way, learns that she has to be patient and wait for the unicorn to come to her if she hopes to ever become friends with it.
The laptop I've been using is old. Old like...it has a floppy drive and an external wireless card. Old like...Mike's dad got it out of someone's trash and cleaned it up and sent it to us. The screen sometimes would go not blank, but neon green. It was about to break off. Mike used it for only-God-knows-what (I've not had the courage to open his profile, even to clear it out.) Obviously, I needed a new laptop, but had no money. I've been waiting, at first very impatiently, for a new one. I figured out that it would be a while before I'd have the finances to buy a new one, so rather than be impatient and unhappy, I decided to wait calmly and make do with what I had.
My parents bought me one, though! They surprised me a few nights ago with it and I've been working on transferring my pictures and documents over and so far, I LOVE it!
I've named it Morgan :-) It came to me on the eve of the closing of the Serendipity Shoppe. Serendipity Shoppe --> Serendipity Books --> Morgan Mine --> A lesson in Patience --> Patience rewarded --> Morgan is mine :-)

Look at the difference in thickness! Crazy!

The part that connects the screen to the body. It's actually a lot worse than it looks here.

Floppy drive. Seriously. And an external wireless card, which was just a pain.

The Beast and Morgan. I like Morgan :-)

Things I'd Like To Accomplish This Year

My friend Nakeia posted a note on Facebook with a list of things that she wants to accomplish in the coming year. Not "New Year's Resolutions," per say, but just things that will improve her life day to day and in the long run. Lots of what she posted applies to me, too, so I copied (and in some cases, tweaked,) the items that I'd like to accomplish for myself, and added some, too. Wish me luck, and perhaps offer encouragement :-) There's no particular order here.

1. Read my Bible every day. Strange as it may seem, I'm going to start with Hosea.

2. Find something new everyday in my Bible reading, and journal it.

3. Memorize a verse or passage from my Bible reading (something that sticks out or holds special meaning to me) once a week.

4. Make detailed grocery lists to avoid random purchases that satisfy my immediate hunger. This will also require a meal just before shopping, since food shopping on an empty stomach encourages the impulse purchases.

5. Pay off my credit card in full, by summer, if possible, but certainly by the end of the year.

6. Not use my credit card until it's paid off in full, and then only spend on it what I can pay in full that month.

7. Make and stick to my budget.

8. Save a higher percentage of my income.

9. Lose weight in a healthy fashion.

10. Focus on toning my body between now and early summer, so that I have a decent appearance as a bridesmaid in my oldest friend's wedding.

11. Save enough money to be able to pay for my dress for Kathy's wedding, and the trip to Fort Worth, without racking up any additional credit card debt.

12. Pray every morning and every night, and mean it.

13. Find the little local restaurants and go to them instead of the big chains.

14. Use cash more often. Having been a part of a small business, I know how unfriendly credit cards can be, even to the people receiving the payment...I'd like to pay people in such a way that I know that they are getting every penny they deserve from me.

15. Do less impulse spending. This means less time at Barnes & Noble, Hastings, and clothing stores.

16. Tell people about Jesus, and in such a way to make Him real and accessible to them.

17. Spend time outside as often as possible, be it a five minute walk to the Shoppe or a couple of hours in the park. I need sunshine.

18. Grab a friend or two and go somewhere we've never been.

19. Be honest with myself EVERYDAY.

20. Have better thoughts about people.

21. Banish gossip.

22. Be less afraid of buying music from groups I'm not familiar with. I've never been wrong before...I should trust my instincts more.

23. Buy local art.

24. Save for and buy a potter's wheel and kiln.

25. Take up ceramics again...I loved it, and I don't know why I stopped.

26. Blog more.

27. Save for and buy a Wii system, particularly the Wii Fit, and USE it.

28. Clean and organize my house, and keep it that way.

29. Decorate my house with things I already have and love, and get rid of what I don't need.

30. Start a second blog to document my reading. I read a lot, and have posted my recently read books and comments about them here (in my Extended Info box), as well as what I'm currently reading and what attracted me to it. I want to do this in a more permanent method.

31. Hang up my clothes and put my laundry away as soon as it’s done, and get control of the pile of shoes by the front door somehow.

32. Cook my own meal at least 6 times a week, rather than eating out or depending on my parents.

33. Do the dishes by hand more often, especially since I'll be dirtying more of them.

34. Make up my bed.

35. Spend more time with my Grandma. Maybe surprise her with lunch in the middle of the week from time to time.

36. Control my emotions.

37. Cut back on my caffeine intake.

38. Fast food only a couple of times a month.

39. Practice Italian more and teach myself more of it.

40. Buy fruits and veggies from local farmers whenever I can. Arkansas produce is actually some of the best I've ever had, so why pay Walmart for the cruddy stuff from California?

41. Be patient with people who annoy me.

42. Figure out who I am and accept myself.

43. Define my standards regarding the men I eventually date, and have no fear in asking straightforward questions, no matter the subject. I will not go through another experience like this divorce if I can possibly prevent it.

44. Write handwritten letters to family and friends. USE the tons of stationery that's built up in my desk.

45. Praise God in all things.

I Have Been Blessed

In the past few days, I read a book called Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. It is a retelling of the story of Hosea and Gomer from the Bible. Michael Hosea is a farmer in California who had moved west during the Gold Rush. Angel (the Gomer character) is a prostitute who has never known another way of life until she meets Michael, who shows her what true love is and what real passion is, and that God is so much more than a mighty being bent on punishment, but rather an incredibly loving Father. She is, throughout the book, riddled with self doubt and self loathing, a denial of God, and so much insecurity, until she finally comes to understand redemption and love. It was a powerful book (at least to me) and I really feel like everyone, particularly every woman, should read it.

source

I identified more closely with Angel than I'd like to admit. I saw much of myself in her, even down to the dialogue in some places. Some of the words came straight from my own thoughts, it seemed. It is good, though, to look in a mirror from time to time, and to be honest with oneself about the reflection in it.
This read led me to a decision that I should have made long ago. There is much about my past that I'd like to forget, and now that I'm making a new start for myself, those are things that I want to make right this time around. It's a promise I'm making to myself, and I intend to keep it.

At Covenant this morning, a couple of the songs we sang struck me pretty deeply, too:

I Surrender All

1. All to Jesus I surrender;
 all to him I freely give;
 I will ever love and trust him,
 in his presence daily live.
Refrain:
 I surrender all, I surrender all,
 all to thee, my blessed Savior,
 I surrender all.

2. All to Jesus I surrender;
 humbly at his feet I bow,
 worldly pleasures all forsaken;
 take me, Jesus, take me now.
 (Refrain)

3. All to Jesus I surrender;
 make me, Savior, wholly thine;
 fill me with thy love and power;
 truly know that thou art mine.
 (Refrain)

4. All to Jesus I surrender;
 Lord, I give myself to thee;
 fill me with thy love and power;
 let thy blessing fall on me.
 (Refrain)

I felt myself making this promise almost unintentionally, which tells me that it really was coming from my heart, not just my head. My soul wants it.

He Will Come and Save You

Say to those who are fearful hearted, "Do not be afraid;
The Lord your God is strong with His mighty arm,
When you call out His name." He will come and save.

Chorus:

He will come and save you. He will come and save you.
Say to the weary one, "Your God will surely come."
He will come and save you.
He will come and save you. He will come and save you.
Lift up your eyes to Him, you will arise again.
He will come and save you.

Vs.2
Say to those who are broken hearted, "Do not lose your faith;
The Lord your God is strong with His loving arms,
When you call out his name." He will come and save.

When we sang this song, one of the ladies came and grabbed my hand just as the second verse started. I got a little choked up listening to her singing to me, and after the song was done, she looked at me and said "Something was telling me to come sing that to you...I hope that's okay." and she gave me a big hug. The love that Covenant has shown me amazes me.

I have never consciously thought of my present trials as a means to strengthen my faith. I honestly haven't even tried to turn them into that, and yet it seems to be happening anyway. Things keep clicking into place and, while I don't always feel it, there's a strength inside of me that is not my own, because I've never felt it before. I have this peace about me that tells me I did the right thing and that I shouldn't doubt that. My loneliest nights haven't been fun, by any means, but they have been far more bearable than I expected. I'm finding deeper friendships in people that I wouldn't have imagined, and finding a much broader circle of support than I ever knew was surrounding me. I find myself actually wanting to read my Bible, which has honestly never happened before...I've read because I was supposed to, whether for youth group stuff or classes...but never because I actually had a desire to read God's Word.
I don't *think* I'm going to make it through this...I KNOW I am, because God keeps helping me, and He will continue to provide.

Breaking Dawn (mostly)

I finished Breaking Dawn today :-)

I must say...it got to me in a way I wasn't expecting. I'll not go into detail, because I'm not the type to post spoilers. I absolutely loved it, though...every bit as much as I loved the first three books in the series :-) I will say, however, that it was left open for continuation...if Stephenie Meyer so chooses, and I truly hope she does so.



On a completely different topic:
Every time I type the word "wasn't," SpellCheck underlines it in red, and the suggestions offered aren't even related to "was not." Oh, and it did the same on "aren't." That's a little annoying.

And still, no Edward...

Apparently, I have to wait until Wednesday. Grr...
I thought it was supposed to get here on the day it released. If I'd known that I'd have to wait this long, I'd've gone to one of the midnight release parties. Seriously.

Give me my vampire! Please?

So...I thought that Breaking Dawn, the latest installment in Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series, was going to arrive today. But alas, no...I have to wait until Monday :-(
I pre-ordered the seventh Harry Potter book before it released, because Barnes & Noble had a deal on it that way...they knocked an extra 5% off, shipped it free, and delivered it to my door the day that it released in stores. They did the same with Breaking Dawn, except, apparently, it shipped on the day of the release, so I have to wait for it. Gah! I'm impatient, and I want more of Edward Cullen. Good heavens...I'm a fan girl, I guess.