Dreams

Y'know the dream I mentioned in the last post? I figured it out. I had another dream last night...not about Lance, but my friend Matt, which is weird because Matt & I haven't gotten to talk in a while. In the dream, Matt & I were in some kind of auditorium...church, maybe? just sitting there talking, and he had his arm around me. Just comfortable, sweet touch. Kinda like Lance with his hand on my forehead. It's intimate without being anything that leads to anything else.

Both of those dreams were strange, and I don't remember anything else about them, but those two touches are so VIVID.

I realized I've been really missing that. I hug people, but that's just my way of saying hello. It's a warmer "hello" than a lot of people give, but it's my way. I miss having the extra little touches that just show that somebody wants to be near me. It has been a long time, and while the dreams are nice, they don't quite cut it for me. *sigh*

A Miscellany of Thoughts

First (and this is the one keeping me up tonight, for some reason) - I'm going to visit Mike this coming Sunday, and I have NO. Idea. What. To. Wear. Pitiful, isn't it? But I don't know whether I should dress to the nines a la Holly Golightly visiting Sally Tomato in Sing Sing (read: cute dress like I'd wear to church, not the crazy getup she wore...) or do I go in jeans & a cute top? I'm not trying to impress him...just...I dunno...somehow bring him a little bit of joy that he doesn't get within the confines of the prison. I still absolutely believe that he needs to be there, and I will be vigilantly guarding my heart. I won't go back to him. But he needs true, supportive friends, and provided that I'm strong enough, I'd like to be one of them. But what do I wear?

Second - I dreamed about Lance last night. First time I'm aware of having done so. And I believe just enough that dreams can carry meaning that this one has me puzzled. He was trying to tell me something that I evidently believed was of great importance, but I was having real trouble staying awake. I was laying down, and he was sitting beside me with his hand on my forehead. I was either sick or freezing cold, because the warmth of his hand had the most incredibly soporific effect and I simply could NOT keep myself awake to listen to what he was saying. Anyway...like I said, I have no idea what it might mean, but I feel like it does mean SOMEthing.

Third - My resume is done. Ish. I had to re-write it from scratch...apparently it was the ONE important document I failed to save off of my old laptop before I destroyed it. I wrote up a new one, and Karen did some pretty major tweaking on it (I'm not talented at resume-writing...) and now I just need to figure out what my "career objective" is and how to write a decent cover letter. The resume itself is in pretty good shape, though!

Fourth - I am SORE. I spent the weekend painting the walls of the front, upstairs bathroom in my parents' house. 11 1/2-foot ceilings mean I had my arms raised over my head for a good portion of the weekend, and I didn't give myself a break, really...even at church, I had a PRECIOUS one-year-old in my arms most of the time :-) I don't mind that kind of workout at all :-D In the middle of all that painting, I noticed something. I was primarily working left-handed. I'm right-handed, but thanks to Kevin Pratt, I've eaten left-handed ever since 10th grade...but this is the first time that slight ambidexterity lent itself to anything other than food. It made me smile & has me wondering if I could learn to write well left-handed, too :-D It'll be something to practice in the dull hours of the afternoon at work.

Fifth - I recently started reading Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I know I have a book blog for this sort of thing, but...I'm her. Just without the money to actually travel. I'm still in Italy so far, but it has my mouth watering for good, authentic Italian food (especially gelato...Oh, how I love gelato!) and wanting to brush up on the language that I took three semesters of and have essentially entirely forgotten.

On that note, I'm going to go to bed. I might have to read myself to sleep (hoping she doesn't bring up food, or else I'll be too hungry to sleep!) So, buona notte, my friends.

That was weird.

I haven't yet decided whether to post about Mike's sentencing this past Friday or not. For now, I'll simply say that it brought up a LOT of old emotions. I'd prepared myself (or tried to, anyway) for that, but it's more intense than I'd expected. I've been thinking about him nearly non-stop ever since, which I think is perfectly understandable, but it is hard. Distracting. Anyway...

Yesterday afternoon, I was going through a canvas bin where I've stashed a bunch of papers & magazines & such until an opportunity presented itself to go through it. I was listening to the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack & singing along...so glad no one could hear me! My hands landed on an envelope on which I'd scribbled a bunch of stuff about Mike...where he was being held, his lawyer's contact information, the expected length of his sentence, etc., and a few Bible verses that Taylor read to me while he was giving me all of that information. I was a little melancholy for a moment reading over it, but then put it aside. The next thing I picked up was the claim ticket for my wedding ring...I'd left it on consignment back in November or December, & promptly lost the ticket & have been looking for it ever since. I turned around & stuck it on my little magnet board, and then realized the lyrics of the song I was singing (the bold section is the part I was on)...

RAOUL
No more talk of darkness,
Forget these wide-eyed fears
I'm here, nothing can harm you
my words will warm and calm you
Let me be your freedom,
let daylight dry your tears.
I'm here with you, beside you,
to guard you and to guide you...

CHRISTINE
Say you love me every waking moment,
turn my head with talk of summertime...
Say you need me with you now and always...
Promise me that all you say is true
that's all I ask of you

RAOUL
Let me be your shelter
let me be your light
You're safe, No one will find you
your fears are far behind you...

CHRISTINE
All I want is freedom,
a world with no more night
and you, always beside me, to hold me and to hide me...

RAOUL
Then say you'll share with me
one love, one lifetime
let me lead you from your solitude
Say you need me with you here, beside you...
anywhere you go, let me go too
Christine, that's all I ask of you...

CHRISTINE
Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime...
say the word and I will follow you...
(right) BOTH:
Share each day with me,
each night, each morning...
(right) CHRISTINE
Say you love me...

RAOUL
You know I do...

BOTH
Love me - that's all I ask of you
Anywhere you go let me go too
Love me - that's all I ask of you...

I FROZE for a minute...chills & goosebumps & everything...then turned off the music & called Angela.

I really don't know what to say, other than it freaked me out a bit. I'm going to go pick my ring back up...I think I'm not quite ready to sell it yet.

Spring!

I realize that far too often, I forget to post the positive aspects of my life on here. I guess I tend to use this blog as a sort of therapeutic outlet...but I'd like to remember to post the good things, too. I DO have a hard time seeing babies all around me. I DO have a hard time seeing Josh with someone else. But I do also have a lot of blessings. I'm making friends in Jonesboro...it still isn't home, and I can't say that it ever will be...but it isn't so lonely anymore. In the romance department, yes...I'm very lonely...but in terms of friendship, I no longer feel alone, and that makes a big difference, even if that difference isn't always obvious in my internet presence. I go to worship every Sunday, and to class most Sundays. I go out to lunch every Sunday with the other young adults. I have a Life Group that meets every Sunday night & we always have a sort of planned-potluck (that's an oxymoron, I know) and we have a Bible study together after the meal. I do the same thing with a different group on Tuesday nights. I'm in a divorce recovery group that meets every Wednesday, for at least the next six weeks, and they're a great group of people...all women, save one man...he keeps the rest of us in stitches, which is great. He keeps things from getting too heavy every week, and he even brought us all chocolate two weeks ago! In addition to church activities, I've become a known face at both the drive-through coffee place where I stop some mornings before work, and at one of the local coffee houses. They don't know my name or my drink yet, like Midnight Oil did (and depending on who is working, Midnight Oil still knows me, haha!) but they're getting there! Perhaps better even than all these things is the fact that Sara is back in my life. We talk like there was no interruption in our friendship at all. She is my sister and we talk nearly every day...really, the only times we don't are when Brooklyn is just too fussy to allow Sara to be on the phone...that child has NO problem making herself heard! She gets that from her mama!
Anyway...when I started out to write this post, I didn't intend to get into all that...I really just wanted to post a few pictures. I've been trying to spend more time outside, when the mosquitoes aren't threatening to suck the life out of me...literally...because right now, everything is in bloom and the sun is actually shining more often than it has in a long time around here. I love the details my camera can pick up...the tiniest little flowers and bugs that a lot of people don't notice. I took a lot & I'll probably post more of them on Facebook, but I wanted to post a few favorites here.

These aren't any bigger around than a pencil. Tiny!

Are these crocuses? So bright & cheery!

These are even tinier than that first picture. It's amazing the beauty you can find if you just take time to look for it.

I love dandelions! So many people just think of them as weeds, but I think they're beautiful! I want to make Dandelion Wine someday!

My Ladybug! I had a hard time keeping her still long enough for this shot...she didn't like having the flower tucked into her collar :-)

Serendipity

Last night after Lifegroup, everybody just kinda sat around talking & one of the guys asked me what I did for a living. I told the group about my job & that it wasn't what I want to do forever. I said I was going to go back to school, most likely for English & marketing or something like that, because I wanted to open a bookstore. I said I'd always loved reading & that Daddy & I had had a little gift shop that I loved. At that point, one of the girls chimed in, "Oh, you should open one! Call it 'Serendipity' or something like that!" I hadn't mentioned the name of the gift shop...I asked her if she'd been in my store, and she said "No, why?" I told her that the name of our shop was The Serendipity Shoppe & everybody kinda gasped and said "See? Now you HAVE to do it!" :-D I think I shall!

Coffee

I know now that I am officially, irrevocably in love with and addicted to coffee.

I have this perfect coffee thermos/mug that Josh bought me in Fort Worth, and I use it to bring coffee with me to work every morning. It keeps the wonderful stuff hot for HOURS (if I drink it slowly, anyway) and it fits in my car's cupholders and it seals well and all that good stuff.

A minute ago, I looked over at it thinking "coffee coffee coffee" because I haven't had any yet & my brain just doesn't work without it most mornings.

And when my eyes landed upon it...Leann Rimes burst into my head, singing "I need you like water, like breath, like rain! I need you like mercy from Heaven's gate!"

...oh dear.

On a different note...

I finished a letter today that a year ago, I would absolutely not have even considered writing. I hope it was the right thing to do, and I hope that the level of forgiveness it required of me is a level I can remain at. I don't want to send this thing and look back and regret it.

Jonesboro has thrown some crazy weather at me since moving here. 2009 broke the rainfall record that was 160-something years old, resulting in my apartment flooding twice, and puddling a third time. I think Karen & Terry's contractor got things fixed, but we'll just have to see next time we have crazy rain, as I'm sure we will coming into Spring. Two days ago, we broke the snowfall record, apparently. Terry said that the record was 3" in one day, set back in the 1960s, but two days ago, we got SEVEN inches in one day! That's the most snow this Texas girl has ever seen. The snow was preceded by freezing rain, so my car had a layer of ice literally a half-inch thick. It was insane! Everything is so pretty right now, though...the snow looks like a coat made up of billions of diamonds laid out in the sun.

Last week, I attended Lifegroup for the first time...Southwest breaks into house churches except for Sunday morning worship, and I finally went last Sunday. I intended to try a different one Tuesday night, but it just didn't work out. Tonight, the one I went to last week canceled because of the ice, but I'm hoping that Tuesday night will work this week. It's the only way I know to make friends around here...I just hope that there are some singles in this group. All the married couples I've been meeting are sweet...but since I didn't know them before they formed families, it's hard to call & try to make plans because I'd feel like I was imposing on their time together. I wouldn't feel weird if they invited me, but my taking the lead just doesn't feel right. Maybe I'm being silly about that...I don't know. But I want some single girlfriends who I can call & go see a chick-flick with. I want a guy who'll go out for coffee with me & not expect anything more than that but who'll hug me for a while when I just need to feel a man's arms around me. I'll get there one of these days.

I'm filled with a deep desire to go home, too. Being in Fort Worth for just those few days made an already-present want into something desperate and immediate in a way that it hadn't been before. From the time I left Fort Worth to go to Harding, my plan was to go to school and then come back home to stay. When my parents changed that, it was still my plan, always, to move back home as soon as I could. Life got in the way and delayed me, but now...I'm in no hurry to cast aside the blessings that have been dropped in my lap...I know that my job and my apartment are pretty spectacular gifts. I also know that I can't stay in either of them forever, and wouldn't want to...I want to find a job I love in a city I love and have a home of my own. So, that's my goal at this point...get my life in order and figure out what I want to be now that I'm grown up, and then work toward going home.

This was a sporadic post; I'm sorry. Just lots of little things that I wanted to voice, as much to myself as anyone else.

Flattery :-)

I have a friend in the Marines. We've been talking a lot over the last week, just getting to know each other (and he very definitely has a crush on me, which is strange to me...) We've been acquaintances for a while, but when I met him, I was already with Mike, so he kinda kept his distance (that, and he's a good bit younger than I am...like, he *just* turned twenty...) but he's a good guy that's nice to talk to, so I don't mind the awkwardness of his crush.
Anyway...he said something so sweet tonight that I simply *had* to share:

M: Are all girls from Texas as pretty as you?
P: Most of 'em are prettier.
M: I don't believe it. Nope.
P: No, really...most of them are much prettier than I am.
M: I'm movin' to Texas, then! But I bet I still won't find another as pretty as you.

I grinned like an idiot for a solid hour after that :-)

Things I'd Like To Accomplish This Year

My friend Nakeia posted a note on Facebook with a list of things that she wants to accomplish in the coming year. Not "New Year's Resolutions," per say, but just things that will improve her life day to day and in the long run. Lots of what she posted applies to me, too, so I copied (and in some cases, tweaked,) the items that I'd like to accomplish for myself, and added some, too. Wish me luck, and perhaps offer encouragement :-) There's no particular order here.

1. Read my Bible every day. Strange as it may seem, I'm going to start with Hosea.

2. Find something new everyday in my Bible reading, and journal it.

3. Memorize a verse or passage from my Bible reading (something that sticks out or holds special meaning to me) once a week.

4. Make detailed grocery lists to avoid random purchases that satisfy my immediate hunger. This will also require a meal just before shopping, since food shopping on an empty stomach encourages the impulse purchases.

5. Pay off my credit card in full, by summer, if possible, but certainly by the end of the year.

6. Not use my credit card until it's paid off in full, and then only spend on it what I can pay in full that month.

7. Make and stick to my budget.

8. Save a higher percentage of my income.

9. Lose weight in a healthy fashion.

10. Focus on toning my body between now and early summer, so that I have a decent appearance as a bridesmaid in my oldest friend's wedding.

11. Save enough money to be able to pay for my dress for Kathy's wedding, and the trip to Fort Worth, without racking up any additional credit card debt.

12. Pray every morning and every night, and mean it.

13. Find the little local restaurants and go to them instead of the big chains.

14. Use cash more often. Having been a part of a small business, I know how unfriendly credit cards can be, even to the people receiving the payment...I'd like to pay people in such a way that I know that they are getting every penny they deserve from me.

15. Do less impulse spending. This means less time at Barnes & Noble, Hastings, and clothing stores.

16. Tell people about Jesus, and in such a way to make Him real and accessible to them.

17. Spend time outside as often as possible, be it a five minute walk to the Shoppe or a couple of hours in the park. I need sunshine.

18. Grab a friend or two and go somewhere we've never been.

19. Be honest with myself EVERYDAY.

20. Have better thoughts about people.

21. Banish gossip.

22. Be less afraid of buying music from groups I'm not familiar with. I've never been wrong before...I should trust my instincts more.

23. Buy local art.

24. Save for and buy a potter's wheel and kiln.

25. Take up ceramics again...I loved it, and I don't know why I stopped.

26. Blog more.

27. Save for and buy a Wii system, particularly the Wii Fit, and USE it.

28. Clean and organize my house, and keep it that way.

29. Decorate my house with things I already have and love, and get rid of what I don't need.

30. Start a second blog to document my reading. I read a lot, and have posted my recently read books and comments about them here (in my Extended Info box), as well as what I'm currently reading and what attracted me to it. I want to do this in a more permanent method.

31. Hang up my clothes and put my laundry away as soon as it’s done, and get control of the pile of shoes by the front door somehow.

32. Cook my own meal at least 6 times a week, rather than eating out or depending on my parents.

33. Do the dishes by hand more often, especially since I'll be dirtying more of them.

34. Make up my bed.

35. Spend more time with my Grandma. Maybe surprise her with lunch in the middle of the week from time to time.

36. Control my emotions.

37. Cut back on my caffeine intake.

38. Fast food only a couple of times a month.

39. Practice Italian more and teach myself more of it.

40. Buy fruits and veggies from local farmers whenever I can. Arkansas produce is actually some of the best I've ever had, so why pay Walmart for the cruddy stuff from California?

41. Be patient with people who annoy me.

42. Figure out who I am and accept myself.

43. Define my standards regarding the men I eventually date, and have no fear in asking straightforward questions, no matter the subject. I will not go through another experience like this divorce if I can possibly prevent it.

44. Write handwritten letters to family and friends. USE the tons of stationery that's built up in my desk.

45. Praise God in all things.

First Steps Forward

I finally was able to find the Social Security Administration building today, and so I am now officially back to my maiden name. Next, I'll be able to get a new driver's license with the correct name, but that'll take money that I don't have.

Yet.

I had a job interview on Friday with a counseling clinic that a friend of mine works for. They called me back yesterday and offered the job, so I'll be starting the first Monday after Christmas. I'm happy/sad about it. It is an income that I desperately need, and a position that doesn't sound like it'll be particularly difficult. However, it means that I won't be in my Shoppe much anymore, and I don't know what that will mean for the future of the Shoppe. I truly love being my own boss and choosing products and opening shipments (it's like Christmas any day that UPS or FedEx show up!) and I love watching people discover our treasures for the first time. My job at the clinic will be from 1-6 p.m., Monday through Friday, and all day every other Tuesday (I know, it's kinda strange) and I'll be making more per hour than I ever have before. That will let me be in the Shoppe in the mornings during the week, and all day on Saturdays. I'm thinking about maybe trying out a few Sunday afternoons, just to see if anyone shows up. I rather doubt it, but there is one other small gift store in town that's been opening from like 1-5 on Sunday afternoons. Might as well give it a shot, because it certainly won't hurt us.

SO...I have a new name and a new job. What's next, I wonder?