I'm sure some of my friends (and even some of my family) think I'm crazy, but I went for the second time today to visit Mike in jail. It's a miracle that I made it, actually...Taylor said he'd pick me up at 6:20 this morning, so I set TWO alarms for 5-ish, a few minutes off from each other, to ensure that I would wake in time to shower & be ready to go when he got here. Neither went off. I woke up on my own somehow at 6:08 and absolutely panicked! I'm not a morning person, but I sprang out of bed, used the bathroom & brushed my teeth at lightning speed, and pulled on jeans & a sweater JUST in time to see Taylor's headlights pulling into the driveway through my curtains. I scooped some makeup into a bag & ran downstairs just as Taylor got to the door, and once I got into his car, I finally took a breath. I'm not sure I'd taken one up to that point, haha. We went to pick up our friend Matt, then stopped at a gas station for coffee & to fill up, and then got on the road. We saw a beautiful sunrise that for a few minutes silenced our conversation except for a few words of praise to God for the gorgeous morning. Once inside the facility, I had no issue getting in like last time, except that I still set off the metal detector three times & got wanded, haha. I worried a bit that the UV stamp didn't transfer well enough onto my hand...it was quite faint...but there were no issues with my shoes or anything, and they let me in and back out, so I guess the stamp was good enough. Having been before, the intimidation factor was gone for me, and that was great! Taylor and I were called back within twenty minutes or so; Matt had a few hangups getting in, but made it with the next batch of people after Taylor and me. Mike has grown a full beard, just for the heck of it...Taylor didn't recognize him at first. I'm surprised I did! He works in the "chow hall" in the prison, clearing food trays for something like $0.45 an hour, but he doesn't complain, since all his needs are provided for. His pay goes toward the niceties...paper to write letters, stamps, pens & pencils, and he bought a little radio. He said the amount of food waste is unbelievable...they throw away between 7 & 9 HUGE trash bins of uneaten food with every meal. Crazy! From the conversations I was hearing around us, the talk of the prison is that some apparently famous rapper is in there...I don't listen to rap, so I've never heard of the guy, but he goes by T.I. and he's in the block below Mike. We mostly talked about God and what He's doing in Mike's life right now. I love the irony of visiting a prison to talk to the freest man on the planet, but I really believe he is. Like last time, I saw no trace of the demon that landed him in that place, but instead saw bright eyes turned upon Jesus. He's a miracle. His body might be confined right now, but his spirit certainly is not. It is free in a way it never was before, and it amazes me to see God moving in him. We stayed about three and a half hours, once we got in, then said our goodbyes. Matt bought lunch for the three of us and we all just talked and laughed the whole way back to Searcy.
It's always uplifting to be around Taylor. He's got quite a fire inside of him and I have been so blessed to know him & his sweet wife, Elizabeth. I enjoyed getting to know Matt a little better today, too. They're both good men and I know they will continue to be blessings to Mike, and for that, I am ever thankful.
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Forgiveness
Fair Warning: This is going to be a LONG post. I've got a story to tell and it'll require going back a bit, to something I debated posting here, and never did.
A year after our divorce was finalized, my ex-husband was convicted just before Christmas 2009 on charges of possession of child pornography. The drama of our separation and subsequent divorce was finally over, I thought, but I also thought I would never be able to forgive him. After a little while, I decided to write to him. I felt compassion enough that I didn't want him to think I hated him, or that he'd been locked away & forgotten. I got his address from our friend Taylor, who we knew from church. That was in January, because I told him about all the snow we had, and how Harding & Abby (our/my cats) reacted to it. He wrote back a couple of weeks later, and I think I might have written once more between that time and April.
Sometime in February, I think, Taylor made an announcement at church that caught me completely off-guard. I was sitting with him & his family (wife, Elizabeth, and their four kids) and he got up to announce that Mike's lawyer was collecting letters to petition the judge overseeing Mike's case for leniency. I wasn't expecting anything like that that day, and I'm still not sure why it shook me up the way it did, but I remember that I wound up sobbing. I thought about it the rest of the service, and at the end, I asked Taylor for the instruction sheet for writing the letters. I said I didn't know if I would...if I'd even be ABLE, but I wanted to know how just in case. I debated with myself for weeks, and finally about a month later, sat down to write. Mike's letters told me that he was doing better; told me that when the spotlight was thrown onto the secret he'd hidden for so long, it had released him from its grasp. I asked the judge to be merciful...not to ignore the crime, but to rule to help Mike rather than just punish him. I said at the beginning that I knew it might seem strange that I, who divorced him over the whole matter, would advocate for him. The letter went on to ask that his sentence not be harsh, but that it include some form of counseling or therapy. I said I was confident that he would be a better man from then on.
Writing that letter was done as much for myself as for Mike. It was a conscious decision to forgive him. Every word was sincere, but after writing it, I woke each morning and had to decide over and over again to forgive him. Most days, I was able to, though some days still presented a struggle, but it got easier.
March and April presented me with another decision. I hadn't witnessed any of the legal proceedings in dealing with all of this, aside from our divorce hearing. I hadn't been questioned in relation to anything. I didn't see the men who came to confiscate Mike's computer. I saw their car, only by accident, but I never saw them. When his sentencing date came up, I asked Taylor if it was something I could attend if I wanted to. He said yes, and that he was going, too, so I could ride with him if I decided to go. Again, I deliberated for a while...probably about a month...and when it got down to a couple of days before the sentencing, I decided to go. I called Taylor and said I was in, and he said that there were some others from Covenant going as well, and we made arrangements to carpool to Little Rock. I felt like I needed to see it for myself. I'd known all along what was happening, but I hadn't seen it and that made it feel surreal; like a bad dream. I needed to make it real so I could move past it.
I met up with the group the morning of the sentencing (April 16, 2010). Taylor & Elizabeth knew I was coming, but I don't think any of the others did. Some of them didn't know me...they were friends Mike had made after we parted & I'd never met them. As it turned out, two of these strangers were among my traveling companions that day. Taylor drove his SUV, Wayne rode in front with him, Elizabeth & her boys rode in the back, and I was in the middle with two people I didn't know. I've become friends with one of them since...his name is Mat. I was really quiet on the ride out there...just kind of staring out the window. Elizabeth reached forward & asked if I was alright, and I said yes, and that I was just processing & trying to keep my nerves under control. Mat asked why I was nervous, and he and the girl on the other side of him sort of recoiled in shock when I told them I was Mike's ex-wife. It was actually pretty funny to see their faces.
When we got to the courthouse in Little Rock, I think the security guards were surprised to see a group of about twenty people coming in the door. It really was an incredible showing of support for Mike. I met Chris, Mike's lawyer, in the lobby. He seemed like a very nice man. There was another sentencing ahead of Mike's...a woman...and it was the same judge. It was clear to me that this man was pretty much by-the-book. It was also clear to me that the prosecuting attorney was young and cocky. He walked into the courtroom like he was king. I thought that they were going to throw the book at Mike when his turn came. I was glad that we were there for the hearing preceding Mike's...I thought it would prepare me for his. But I was very wrong. The judge didn't read the details of her offenses...just the charges & his ruling, followed by his sentence for her. I don't remember either lawyer speaking...they were just there, and it was over very quickly.
When Mike was brought into the room, he was in a bright orange jumpsuit and ankle shackles and I believe handcuffs, though the handcuffs were removed shortly after they brought him into the room. I hadn't expected that...I guess I thought he'd be in street clothes, or even dressed up, so it was a shock to see him that way. His hair was buzzed short, and it was clear that he'd been working out a lot, because he looked pretty buff. My totally erratic mind's first thought was "Oh my GOSH he looks good!", to which the other part of my brain thought "What?! You can't think that way about him. Not anymore." The tugging at my heart had begun.
Mike slowly scanned the room upon realizing that there were people there to support him. Because of where I was sitting, I was one of the last that he saw, and at first, his eyes sort of skipped over me, it seemed. It was like he saw me without recognizing me. But then it seemed to click with him and he came back to me and I could see something between surprise, confusion, and maybe fear in his eyes. I hadn't told him I'd written to the judge, so he had no idea what my purpose in being there was. I gave him a little smile, though, and I saw his eyes swell with tears and he swallowed hard & smiled back at me. He then started back at the beginning and smiled individually at everyone present and kept patting his heart with his hand in a gesture of thanks.
When the judge came in, he read ALL of the charges. Up to that point, I knew the charges, but not the specifics, and I hadn't heard what had been found on the confiscated computer. The numbers terrified me and I just closed my eyes and ears after hearing the numbers and started praying. I prayed that I wouldn't hate him, and I prayed it over and over and over again and wouldn't let myself cry. That moment passed and when I looked up at Mike, I felt all the anger I felt toward him dissipate, and it hasn't returned. I've had recurrences of anger at what happened, but none that were directed at Mike. In that moment, I went from *choosing* to forgive him, minute by minute, to finally forgiving him completely. I felt the change from human forgiveness to a divine forgiveness that I KNOW my God put in my heart...and it is a beautiful thing.
After the charges & findings were gone over, the judge allowed statements from people in the group. He said he normally doesn't allow that, but that given the showing that day, he would. Four or five men raised their hands when he asked who wanted to speak, and Taylor went up first, followed by his brother, Spencer, then Luke, then a guy I didn't know, named Dane. Taylor said he knew Mike from church, and that he was confident that Mike would ever after stay away from his addiction. Spencer said that he also knew Mike from church in Searcy, and the judge interrupted him, saying in his deep, slow Southern drawl, "I've spoken down in Searcy a time or two, but my family has been Methodist since the Crucifixion, and I don't know what y'all think about that." Most of us gave an uneasy laugh, but Spencer took it in stride and said "Well, sir, we're all one in Christ." The atmosphere in the room immediately shifted. The judge liked us. He knew we respected him. We knew he'd listen to us and maybe be lenient. Taylor's father-in-law, John, went up after that, and then a doctor Mike knew from after we split. That was a neat testimony, too...the judge asked him if he was a medical doctor, and he said yes, and then the judge said "I'd like to have your opinion as a medical professional. What would you recommend to treat this man?" The doctor said "It's a pretty controversial opinion, sir." The judge interjected with "I know it's controversial. I want your opinion!" (he was smiling as he said it) and the doctor said "I believe that Jesus Christ is the only Healer, and that Michael won't be healed without Him." And this by-the-book federal judge smiled and genuinely thanked him! Wayne spoke after that, and then, he was coming back to sit down, the judge asked if anyone else wanted to speak.
I found myself on my feet before I realized what I was doing. A second later, I DID realize what I was doing, and thought, "Oh, God...what AM I doing??" and then figured it was too late to sit back down, so I went forward. I am NOT a public speaker...my hands sweat, my voice goes quiet, and my speech speeds up. Mike, who was standing at a podium facing the judge, didn't see me coming, but when he looked to see who was standing beside him, I saw the same surprise/confusion/fear in his face as when he walked into the courtroom & saw me. Naturally, I had no idea what to say, since I hadn't planned to speak (I hadn't even thought there would be opportunity, and wouldn't have thought ahead of time to take it anyway). So I introduced myself to the judge, as the others had done, and his response was "Yes, ma'am, I read your letter with *considerable* interest." I mumbled "Thank you" and glanced over at Mike, and saw tears in his eyes again. I asked the judge for mercy for Mike. I said that I firmly believed that he would never have acted on his sickness; that I knew he would be a better man on the other side. At least, that's what I *wanted* to say. I got really emotional pretty quickly and am not convinced that anyone understood a word of what I said. When I got to the point where it was clear that my speech had become unintelligible due to the lump in my throat and my nerves, I said "Thank you" to the judge and I think gave some strange little curtsy (the image of that in my head is rather comical, really) and then I laid a hand on Mike's arm before making a bee-line for my seat. I didn't look at anybody...just the floor and my seat, and then I sat down VERY quickly & just sort of stared at the judge, who then gave Mike a chance to speak for himself. Mike said, "I ask for NO leniency. I just want to make something good out of what I did and make the world better." My heart swelled with pride for him in that moment. Then, the cocky prosecutor stood to speak, and each of us was entirely blown away. He was choked up! His voice was strained and his eyes were watery. He said he hated to ask for any punitive action. Most of the time, the people he sees in court for Mike's particular offenses are "dirty old men", but it was clear to him that Mike did not fall in that category. The sentence he asked for, because of that, was entirely for the sake of providing the mental rehabilitation that might not have been available outside of the court system.
The judge gave his sentence then, but not before saying that "we need[ed] King Solomon to come handle this case." He looked at his notes & papers for a minute, and then gave Mike five years in prison, then another five years of house arrest, and of course he'll be registered the rest of his life. We'd been told that the guidelines for Mike's conviction were 7-12 years in prison, and were all sort of prepared to hear something like that, so we were thrilled that he'd given Mike a lesser sentence.
Mike was led out of the room then, and the judge left, and the rest of us filed out of the courtroom. We stood just outside the courtroom for a little while, just processing it before trying to talk about what to do next. While we were standing out there, one of the court officials came out into the hallway and got Taylor's attention. He pulled him to the side, near me, and asked "Sir, do you know what y'all just did?" Taylor looked a little confused, but he smiled, and the man said "That judge (who was probably in his 70s) has NEVER gone below the guidelines. In fact, he usually sticks to the high end! You people just cut that man's sentence in HALF." He patted Taylor on the shoulder and then went back into the courtroom. Taylor grinned from ear to ear, and I finally just broke down in tears. Happy tears, but the emotion of the day finally all caught up with me. As the group started for the elevators to leave the courthouse, Elizabeth held back a little and walked with me. She held my hand and didn't say anything, which was perfect, and I realized again what incredible friends my God blessed me with.
I went into the bathroom to compose myself before leaving the building, and then we all went to lunch and celebrated. It had been a very emotional, but very beautiful, morning, and one I'm not likely to forget.
The next day, I found myself in the awkward position of being the one to tell Mike's mom how it had gone. I thought someone else would have called her already, but apparently I was the first. I called with the intent of finding out how she'd taken it all, but found that she had no idea what the outcome had been, so I related the whole story of the day to her, and listened while she blamed herself for the things he'd done to get there in the first place. I tried to soothe her and let her know that she couldn't afford to blame herself, and I just tried to be a comfort to her. It was the first time we'd spoken in a long time, so, as difficult as it was, it was nice.
Since that day, Mike and I have written a few letters to each other. I never wanted him to feel forgotten or abandoned. I know he needs good friends on the outside of the prison walls, so he'll know he has a good place to go when he leaves them. He needs to know that he'll have a support group and people to surround him and love him when a lot of the world will have a hard time with that. I decided one day that I might want to visit him at some point, so I asked Taylor how to go about doing that, should I ever decide to go. He said there was a form to fill out, and that he'd get Elizabeth to send me a copy of it. When she sent it, I filled it out and mailed it back on the very same day. I wanted to get the process started quickly, so that when and if the urge to visit struck me, I'd be able to go, according to the law.
His most recent letter worried me, though Daddy and Taylor both said that they thought he was just describing his surroundings and that he himself sounded fine. Nonetheless, I was worried, so I called Taylor and told him that I wanted to see Mike, but not alone. I didn't know the process of getting into the prison, and the whole idea was rather intimidating. I asked Taylor to take me, at least the first time, and he agreed.
I'd actually really wanted to go on Labor Day, since I had an extra day off from work, but Taylor had to be out of town. Instead, we went on Sunday, September 12. I think now that I've been through the process, I'll feel alright going on my own next time, but I just really didn't want to try to get into a federal prison by myself. He picked me up at 6 :30 in the morning... and if you know me at all, you know I'm NOT a morning person. I had to get up at 5, haha! Taylor had told me not to wear orange or khaki (which I don't anyway) and other than that, to dress like I would to go through airport security. I wore a cute top & jeans & flip flops, and we drove an hour and a half to the prison.
It LOOKED like a prison...middle of nowhere, nothin' else around except for the next level security prison campus across a field. Concrete block & fences with the curly barbed wire at the top...a total cliché. It really is like you see on television. When I told Josh about it the other day, he said it made him think of "The Shawshank Redemption", and I laughed, because I'd just watched it the night before with David & Angela. Probably not the best idea I've ever had, but it's a great movie! Anyway...I've driven by prisons before, but actually walking up to one is SO intimidating!
After the crazy early morning & long drive, Taylor and I walked in and the guard at the door looked Taylor over, then me, then looked back at Taylor & said very matter-of-factly, "She can't come in." Taylor looked at her and asked why, and she said, "No open toed shoes. I can't let her in." Gah! Taylor went white, looked at me, and threw his hands up in that "I don't know!" position & said "I had NO IDEA." He asked the guard if we could go on & fill out the admission form, and we'd go back out to his car to see if his wife happened to have any shoes out there. She gave us the forms (they're numbered & they take you in batches, so we wanted to be as early in the numbers as possible.) We went to his car, but had no luck finding shoes. There was another guard in the parking lot, just coming on or off her shift, and he asked her where we could go to get an allowable pair of shoes. She told us how to get to a Walmart, and naturally, none of the $5 flats had my size in stock. The $5 ones were ugly anyway. Taylor felt so bad for not knowing about that rule that he bought the shoes for me. I tried not to let him but he insisted. We headed back to the prison, and I filled out my admission form in the car on the way. Taylor did his once we got in, and we turned them in at the desk with our IDs. A minute later, they called my name over the loud speaker, so I went back to the desk. The woman there said, "You can't use blue ink." (Why didn't she say that when I handed it to her in the first place? and it wasn't written on the form anywhere.) I had to re-do that, but she was nice and gave me the same number. I turned it in again & went back to sit down with Taylor, and as soon as my derriere hit the chair, they called me again. They had to take my picture that time...I don't know why.
I went back to the visitor's room (but didn't bother sitting down that time, just in case) and the guard came in a couple minutes later to get everybody. We went through a metal detector, just like at an airport...shoes & jewelry went into a bucket to be x-rayed, and we walked through the detector gate. It went off on me. They sent me through again, and it went off again, so they sent me through a third time. It went off again! The guard asked if there was an underwire in my bra, and I said yes. She said that's probably what it was, but she'd have to wand me. Yikes! She took me into a side room and had me stand spread-eagle, and she passed the wand over me. It didn't go off at my chest...it went off at my crotch. My only guess is that it was the zipper on my jeans...but oh my GOSH I panicked! I thought they were going to strip search me or something! She didn't, thank goodness. I suppose she assumed the same thing I did about it and didn't pursue it further. Taylor had a slightly worried look on his face when I came back out of the room, but he got a good laugh out of it when I told him what happened.
A guard then stamped our hands with an invisible/ultraviolet stamp, which we had to show to another guard like two feet away, within eyesight of the one who stamped us, and they took us through a locked door. We were cloistered in this tiny little room until they closed the first door and opened a second, and you know that LOUD buzzer that goes off on tv when they open gates & doors in prisons? Well, it's even louder. We got through the second door and went outside into the yard, and up to another building, where another guard checked our clothes before letting us in. Another guard inside that door checked our hands for the stamps, and THEN they called the inmates.
This is a LOW security prison! I can't imagine what the process would be for a maximum! Once we were in, though, it was really laid back...just a big open room with chairs & coffee tables...the cheap lawn furniture type...and vending machines. The inmates couldn't go to the vending machines, but the visitors could get stuff for them, which was nice, since it's stuff they don't normally get. We got Mike the first Dr Pepper he'd had in 10 months. We just sat & talked. We stayed for two & a half hours, and Taylor found lots of convenient excuses to leave Mike and I on our own, so I had a good bit of time to talk one-on-one with him.
I guess I'd read a tone into that letter that wasn't actually there, because he's doing REALLY well! He was a little nervous to see me (Taylor said that, not me) but generally, he was more relaxed than I've ever seen him. He was always really tense...you could see it in his shoulders. I had literally NEVER seen him with his shoulders relaxed until that Sunday. It really was amazing! Most people that knew him before have been kinda shocked when I said he was so at ease, but it's like having that horrible secret brought to light just totally relieved him. He's not bearing the weight of it anymore. He talked a lot about how free he actually feels, because he's not covering up this terrible thing in his life now...and he's especially not hiding it from himself. There was not even a HINT of the darkness in his face that I used to see...not a hint.
I think I hugged him a dozen times that day...not that that's surprising, coming from me! My heart has a lot to process, though. The man I saw that day was the man I *thought* I married. My logical brain knows I can't afford to go back to him. It'd kill so many of my dreams...but my heart is just kind of exploding. I'm proud of the progress he's made. I'm thrilled at the faith he's exhibited in this, and the change I've seen in him. I KNOW that Jesus, The Healer, has worked in him.
I loved being able, at long last, to look him in the eyes and tell him that I've forgiven him. That I'm not angry at him anymore. I loved telling him about the moment that all of that negativity was washed out of me. I can only imagine what the lifting of HIS burden must have felt like, because I know his was much greater than mine. He wants to help people as a result of his experiences. He wants to help those with addictions like his to break free of the prisons they create for themselves, so that they can experience the freedom found only in a closer walk with God. He's going to be an inspiration to a lot of people...he already is to me. We're going to be friends for the rest of our lives. I'm confident about that...and I can't wait to see where his life takes him and the lives that God can change working through him.
I'm not trying to preach, but forgiveness is such an incredibly beautiful thing. It is beautiful for the recipient, but for the giver as well. It is perhaps even more beautiful for the giver, since sometimes the recipient never even knows. Having given up the burden of anger and hurt, there is a lightness and feeling of freedom in my own heart and soul and that has allowed me to smile and laugh again in a way that I thought might never happen again. There is a block of time several months long from the beginning of all of this that is nothing more than a blur. I remember a few specific things, but if you were to ask me about Christmas that year, I would describe pictures that my dad took...not memories. I didn't start experiencing my own life again until sometime the following Spring. But now...I have hope again. I can love again. I can laugh again...and I can even love and laugh with Mike again. I can't see myself ever being his wife again, but I do and will consider him a friend.
If you read all of that, thank you. I hope it somehow enriches you and inspires you. I wrote it all down because I don't want to forget it, ever. I hope it all makes sense. I didn't write it to say "Oh, look at me, look how good I am..." because I'm not. I know that God worked in me to allow my fallible human heart to experience the divine, and I truly hope that you can experience that miracle, too. It is a mere glimpse, I think, of the wonder of God's grace.
I hope you'll keep praying for Mike, that God will continue to use him to shine a light into the darkness around him. Pray that God will protect him when he starts opening up to the people around him about what he's done. Pray that he holds on to the Rock of Salvation when his body leaves the prison and goes back out into a world where he'll face temptation again. And pray for me, that I never forget or take for granted The God who led me through everything, or the family and friends who incarnated that same God in my life when I couldn't see Him myself.
**Quick Edit**
In spite of the time stamp, I posted this on Tuesday, September 21...it took FOUR DAYS to get it all out! :-)
A year after our divorce was finalized, my ex-husband was convicted just before Christmas 2009 on charges of possession of child pornography. The drama of our separation and subsequent divorce was finally over, I thought, but I also thought I would never be able to forgive him. After a little while, I decided to write to him. I felt compassion enough that I didn't want him to think I hated him, or that he'd been locked away & forgotten. I got his address from our friend Taylor, who we knew from church. That was in January, because I told him about all the snow we had, and how Harding & Abby (our/my cats) reacted to it. He wrote back a couple of weeks later, and I think I might have written once more between that time and April.
Sometime in February, I think, Taylor made an announcement at church that caught me completely off-guard. I was sitting with him & his family (wife, Elizabeth, and their four kids) and he got up to announce that Mike's lawyer was collecting letters to petition the judge overseeing Mike's case for leniency. I wasn't expecting anything like that that day, and I'm still not sure why it shook me up the way it did, but I remember that I wound up sobbing. I thought about it the rest of the service, and at the end, I asked Taylor for the instruction sheet for writing the letters. I said I didn't know if I would...if I'd even be ABLE, but I wanted to know how just in case. I debated with myself for weeks, and finally about a month later, sat down to write. Mike's letters told me that he was doing better; told me that when the spotlight was thrown onto the secret he'd hidden for so long, it had released him from its grasp. I asked the judge to be merciful...not to ignore the crime, but to rule to help Mike rather than just punish him. I said at the beginning that I knew it might seem strange that I, who divorced him over the whole matter, would advocate for him. The letter went on to ask that his sentence not be harsh, but that it include some form of counseling or therapy. I said I was confident that he would be a better man from then on.
Writing that letter was done as much for myself as for Mike. It was a conscious decision to forgive him. Every word was sincere, but after writing it, I woke each morning and had to decide over and over again to forgive him. Most days, I was able to, though some days still presented a struggle, but it got easier.
March and April presented me with another decision. I hadn't witnessed any of the legal proceedings in dealing with all of this, aside from our divorce hearing. I hadn't been questioned in relation to anything. I didn't see the men who came to confiscate Mike's computer. I saw their car, only by accident, but I never saw them. When his sentencing date came up, I asked Taylor if it was something I could attend if I wanted to. He said yes, and that he was going, too, so I could ride with him if I decided to go. Again, I deliberated for a while...probably about a month...and when it got down to a couple of days before the sentencing, I decided to go. I called Taylor and said I was in, and he said that there were some others from Covenant going as well, and we made arrangements to carpool to Little Rock. I felt like I needed to see it for myself. I'd known all along what was happening, but I hadn't seen it and that made it feel surreal; like a bad dream. I needed to make it real so I could move past it.
I met up with the group the morning of the sentencing (April 16, 2010). Taylor & Elizabeth knew I was coming, but I don't think any of the others did. Some of them didn't know me...they were friends Mike had made after we parted & I'd never met them. As it turned out, two of these strangers were among my traveling companions that day. Taylor drove his SUV, Wayne rode in front with him, Elizabeth & her boys rode in the back, and I was in the middle with two people I didn't know. I've become friends with one of them since...his name is Mat. I was really quiet on the ride out there...just kind of staring out the window. Elizabeth reached forward & asked if I was alright, and I said yes, and that I was just processing & trying to keep my nerves under control. Mat asked why I was nervous, and he and the girl on the other side of him sort of recoiled in shock when I told them I was Mike's ex-wife. It was actually pretty funny to see their faces.
When we got to the courthouse in Little Rock, I think the security guards were surprised to see a group of about twenty people coming in the door. It really was an incredible showing of support for Mike. I met Chris, Mike's lawyer, in the lobby. He seemed like a very nice man. There was another sentencing ahead of Mike's...a woman...and it was the same judge. It was clear to me that this man was pretty much by-the-book. It was also clear to me that the prosecuting attorney was young and cocky. He walked into the courtroom like he was king. I thought that they were going to throw the book at Mike when his turn came. I was glad that we were there for the hearing preceding Mike's...I thought it would prepare me for his. But I was very wrong. The judge didn't read the details of her offenses...just the charges & his ruling, followed by his sentence for her. I don't remember either lawyer speaking...they were just there, and it was over very quickly.
When Mike was brought into the room, he was in a bright orange jumpsuit and ankle shackles and I believe handcuffs, though the handcuffs were removed shortly after they brought him into the room. I hadn't expected that...I guess I thought he'd be in street clothes, or even dressed up, so it was a shock to see him that way. His hair was buzzed short, and it was clear that he'd been working out a lot, because he looked pretty buff. My totally erratic mind's first thought was "Oh my GOSH he looks good!", to which the other part of my brain thought "What?! You can't think that way about him. Not anymore." The tugging at my heart had begun.
Mike slowly scanned the room upon realizing that there were people there to support him. Because of where I was sitting, I was one of the last that he saw, and at first, his eyes sort of skipped over me, it seemed. It was like he saw me without recognizing me. But then it seemed to click with him and he came back to me and I could see something between surprise, confusion, and maybe fear in his eyes. I hadn't told him I'd written to the judge, so he had no idea what my purpose in being there was. I gave him a little smile, though, and I saw his eyes swell with tears and he swallowed hard & smiled back at me. He then started back at the beginning and smiled individually at everyone present and kept patting his heart with his hand in a gesture of thanks.
When the judge came in, he read ALL of the charges. Up to that point, I knew the charges, but not the specifics, and I hadn't heard what had been found on the confiscated computer. The numbers terrified me and I just closed my eyes and ears after hearing the numbers and started praying. I prayed that I wouldn't hate him, and I prayed it over and over and over again and wouldn't let myself cry. That moment passed and when I looked up at Mike, I felt all the anger I felt toward him dissipate, and it hasn't returned. I've had recurrences of anger at what happened, but none that were directed at Mike. In that moment, I went from *choosing* to forgive him, minute by minute, to finally forgiving him completely. I felt the change from human forgiveness to a divine forgiveness that I KNOW my God put in my heart...and it is a beautiful thing.
After the charges & findings were gone over, the judge allowed statements from people in the group. He said he normally doesn't allow that, but that given the showing that day, he would. Four or five men raised their hands when he asked who wanted to speak, and Taylor went up first, followed by his brother, Spencer, then Luke, then a guy I didn't know, named Dane. Taylor said he knew Mike from church, and that he was confident that Mike would ever after stay away from his addiction. Spencer said that he also knew Mike from church in Searcy, and the judge interrupted him, saying in his deep, slow Southern drawl, "I've spoken down in Searcy a time or two, but my family has been Methodist since the Crucifixion, and I don't know what y'all think about that." Most of us gave an uneasy laugh, but Spencer took it in stride and said "Well, sir, we're all one in Christ." The atmosphere in the room immediately shifted. The judge liked us. He knew we respected him. We knew he'd listen to us and maybe be lenient. Taylor's father-in-law, John, went up after that, and then a doctor Mike knew from after we split. That was a neat testimony, too...the judge asked him if he was a medical doctor, and he said yes, and then the judge said "I'd like to have your opinion as a medical professional. What would you recommend to treat this man?" The doctor said "It's a pretty controversial opinion, sir." The judge interjected with "I know it's controversial. I want your opinion!" (he was smiling as he said it) and the doctor said "I believe that Jesus Christ is the only Healer, and that Michael won't be healed without Him." And this by-the-book federal judge smiled and genuinely thanked him! Wayne spoke after that, and then, he was coming back to sit down, the judge asked if anyone else wanted to speak.
I found myself on my feet before I realized what I was doing. A second later, I DID realize what I was doing, and thought, "Oh, God...what AM I doing??" and then figured it was too late to sit back down, so I went forward. I am NOT a public speaker...my hands sweat, my voice goes quiet, and my speech speeds up. Mike, who was standing at a podium facing the judge, didn't see me coming, but when he looked to see who was standing beside him, I saw the same surprise/confusion/fear in his face as when he walked into the courtroom & saw me. Naturally, I had no idea what to say, since I hadn't planned to speak (I hadn't even thought there would be opportunity, and wouldn't have thought ahead of time to take it anyway). So I introduced myself to the judge, as the others had done, and his response was "Yes, ma'am, I read your letter with *considerable* interest." I mumbled "Thank you" and glanced over at Mike, and saw tears in his eyes again. I asked the judge for mercy for Mike. I said that I firmly believed that he would never have acted on his sickness; that I knew he would be a better man on the other side. At least, that's what I *wanted* to say. I got really emotional pretty quickly and am not convinced that anyone understood a word of what I said. When I got to the point where it was clear that my speech had become unintelligible due to the lump in my throat and my nerves, I said "Thank you" to the judge and I think gave some strange little curtsy (the image of that in my head is rather comical, really) and then I laid a hand on Mike's arm before making a bee-line for my seat. I didn't look at anybody...just the floor and my seat, and then I sat down VERY quickly & just sort of stared at the judge, who then gave Mike a chance to speak for himself. Mike said, "I ask for NO leniency. I just want to make something good out of what I did and make the world better." My heart swelled with pride for him in that moment. Then, the cocky prosecutor stood to speak, and each of us was entirely blown away. He was choked up! His voice was strained and his eyes were watery. He said he hated to ask for any punitive action. Most of the time, the people he sees in court for Mike's particular offenses are "dirty old men", but it was clear to him that Mike did not fall in that category. The sentence he asked for, because of that, was entirely for the sake of providing the mental rehabilitation that might not have been available outside of the court system.
The judge gave his sentence then, but not before saying that "we need[ed] King Solomon to come handle this case." He looked at his notes & papers for a minute, and then gave Mike five years in prison, then another five years of house arrest, and of course he'll be registered the rest of his life. We'd been told that the guidelines for Mike's conviction were 7-12 years in prison, and were all sort of prepared to hear something like that, so we were thrilled that he'd given Mike a lesser sentence.
Mike was led out of the room then, and the judge left, and the rest of us filed out of the courtroom. We stood just outside the courtroom for a little while, just processing it before trying to talk about what to do next. While we were standing out there, one of the court officials came out into the hallway and got Taylor's attention. He pulled him to the side, near me, and asked "Sir, do you know what y'all just did?" Taylor looked a little confused, but he smiled, and the man said "That judge (who was probably in his 70s) has NEVER gone below the guidelines. In fact, he usually sticks to the high end! You people just cut that man's sentence in HALF." He patted Taylor on the shoulder and then went back into the courtroom. Taylor grinned from ear to ear, and I finally just broke down in tears. Happy tears, but the emotion of the day finally all caught up with me. As the group started for the elevators to leave the courthouse, Elizabeth held back a little and walked with me. She held my hand and didn't say anything, which was perfect, and I realized again what incredible friends my God blessed me with.
I went into the bathroom to compose myself before leaving the building, and then we all went to lunch and celebrated. It had been a very emotional, but very beautiful, morning, and one I'm not likely to forget.
The next day, I found myself in the awkward position of being the one to tell Mike's mom how it had gone. I thought someone else would have called her already, but apparently I was the first. I called with the intent of finding out how she'd taken it all, but found that she had no idea what the outcome had been, so I related the whole story of the day to her, and listened while she blamed herself for the things he'd done to get there in the first place. I tried to soothe her and let her know that she couldn't afford to blame herself, and I just tried to be a comfort to her. It was the first time we'd spoken in a long time, so, as difficult as it was, it was nice.
Since that day, Mike and I have written a few letters to each other. I never wanted him to feel forgotten or abandoned. I know he needs good friends on the outside of the prison walls, so he'll know he has a good place to go when he leaves them. He needs to know that he'll have a support group and people to surround him and love him when a lot of the world will have a hard time with that. I decided one day that I might want to visit him at some point, so I asked Taylor how to go about doing that, should I ever decide to go. He said there was a form to fill out, and that he'd get Elizabeth to send me a copy of it. When she sent it, I filled it out and mailed it back on the very same day. I wanted to get the process started quickly, so that when and if the urge to visit struck me, I'd be able to go, according to the law.
His most recent letter worried me, though Daddy and Taylor both said that they thought he was just describing his surroundings and that he himself sounded fine. Nonetheless, I was worried, so I called Taylor and told him that I wanted to see Mike, but not alone. I didn't know the process of getting into the prison, and the whole idea was rather intimidating. I asked Taylor to take me, at least the first time, and he agreed.
I'd actually really wanted to go on Labor Day, since I had an extra day off from work, but Taylor had to be out of town. Instead, we went on Sunday, September 12. I think now that I've been through the process, I'll feel alright going on my own next time, but I just really didn't want to try to get into a federal prison by myself. He picked me up at 6 :30 in the morning... and if you know me at all, you know I'm NOT a morning person. I had to get up at 5, haha! Taylor had told me not to wear orange or khaki (which I don't anyway) and other than that, to dress like I would to go through airport security. I wore a cute top & jeans & flip flops, and we drove an hour and a half to the prison.
It LOOKED like a prison...middle of nowhere, nothin' else around except for the next level security prison campus across a field. Concrete block & fences with the curly barbed wire at the top...a total cliché. It really is like you see on television. When I told Josh about it the other day, he said it made him think of "The Shawshank Redemption", and I laughed, because I'd just watched it the night before with David & Angela. Probably not the best idea I've ever had, but it's a great movie! Anyway...I've driven by prisons before, but actually walking up to one is SO intimidating!
After the crazy early morning & long drive, Taylor and I walked in and the guard at the door looked Taylor over, then me, then looked back at Taylor & said very matter-of-factly, "She can't come in." Taylor looked at her and asked why, and she said, "No open toed shoes. I can't let her in." Gah! Taylor went white, looked at me, and threw his hands up in that "I don't know!" position & said "I had NO IDEA." He asked the guard if we could go on & fill out the admission form, and we'd go back out to his car to see if his wife happened to have any shoes out there. She gave us the forms (they're numbered & they take you in batches, so we wanted to be as early in the numbers as possible.) We went to his car, but had no luck finding shoes. There was another guard in the parking lot, just coming on or off her shift, and he asked her where we could go to get an allowable pair of shoes. She told us how to get to a Walmart, and naturally, none of the $5 flats had my size in stock. The $5 ones were ugly anyway. Taylor felt so bad for not knowing about that rule that he bought the shoes for me. I tried not to let him but he insisted. We headed back to the prison, and I filled out my admission form in the car on the way. Taylor did his once we got in, and we turned them in at the desk with our IDs. A minute later, they called my name over the loud speaker, so I went back to the desk. The woman there said, "You can't use blue ink." (Why didn't she say that when I handed it to her in the first place? and it wasn't written on the form anywhere.) I had to re-do that, but she was nice and gave me the same number. I turned it in again & went back to sit down with Taylor, and as soon as my derriere hit the chair, they called me again. They had to take my picture that time...I don't know why.
I went back to the visitor's room (but didn't bother sitting down that time, just in case) and the guard came in a couple minutes later to get everybody. We went through a metal detector, just like at an airport...shoes & jewelry went into a bucket to be x-rayed, and we walked through the detector gate. It went off on me. They sent me through again, and it went off again, so they sent me through a third time. It went off again! The guard asked if there was an underwire in my bra, and I said yes. She said that's probably what it was, but she'd have to wand me. Yikes! She took me into a side room and had me stand spread-eagle, and she passed the wand over me. It didn't go off at my chest...it went off at my crotch. My only guess is that it was the zipper on my jeans...but oh my GOSH I panicked! I thought they were going to strip search me or something! She didn't, thank goodness. I suppose she assumed the same thing I did about it and didn't pursue it further. Taylor had a slightly worried look on his face when I came back out of the room, but he got a good laugh out of it when I told him what happened.
A guard then stamped our hands with an invisible/ultraviolet stamp, which we had to show to another guard like two feet away, within eyesight of the one who stamped us, and they took us through a locked door. We were cloistered in this tiny little room until they closed the first door and opened a second, and you know that LOUD buzzer that goes off on tv when they open gates & doors in prisons? Well, it's even louder. We got through the second door and went outside into the yard, and up to another building, where another guard checked our clothes before letting us in. Another guard inside that door checked our hands for the stamps, and THEN they called the inmates.
This is a LOW security prison! I can't imagine what the process would be for a maximum! Once we were in, though, it was really laid back...just a big open room with chairs & coffee tables...the cheap lawn furniture type...and vending machines. The inmates couldn't go to the vending machines, but the visitors could get stuff for them, which was nice, since it's stuff they don't normally get. We got Mike the first Dr Pepper he'd had in 10 months. We just sat & talked. We stayed for two & a half hours, and Taylor found lots of convenient excuses to leave Mike and I on our own, so I had a good bit of time to talk one-on-one with him.
I guess I'd read a tone into that letter that wasn't actually there, because he's doing REALLY well! He was a little nervous to see me (Taylor said that, not me) but generally, he was more relaxed than I've ever seen him. He was always really tense...you could see it in his shoulders. I had literally NEVER seen him with his shoulders relaxed until that Sunday. It really was amazing! Most people that knew him before have been kinda shocked when I said he was so at ease, but it's like having that horrible secret brought to light just totally relieved him. He's not bearing the weight of it anymore. He talked a lot about how free he actually feels, because he's not covering up this terrible thing in his life now...and he's especially not hiding it from himself. There was not even a HINT of the darkness in his face that I used to see...not a hint.
I think I hugged him a dozen times that day...not that that's surprising, coming from me! My heart has a lot to process, though. The man I saw that day was the man I *thought* I married. My logical brain knows I can't afford to go back to him. It'd kill so many of my dreams...but my heart is just kind of exploding. I'm proud of the progress he's made. I'm thrilled at the faith he's exhibited in this, and the change I've seen in him. I KNOW that Jesus, The Healer, has worked in him.
I loved being able, at long last, to look him in the eyes and tell him that I've forgiven him. That I'm not angry at him anymore. I loved telling him about the moment that all of that negativity was washed out of me. I can only imagine what the lifting of HIS burden must have felt like, because I know his was much greater than mine. He wants to help people as a result of his experiences. He wants to help those with addictions like his to break free of the prisons they create for themselves, so that they can experience the freedom found only in a closer walk with God. He's going to be an inspiration to a lot of people...he already is to me. We're going to be friends for the rest of our lives. I'm confident about that...and I can't wait to see where his life takes him and the lives that God can change working through him.
I'm not trying to preach, but forgiveness is such an incredibly beautiful thing. It is beautiful for the recipient, but for the giver as well. It is perhaps even more beautiful for the giver, since sometimes the recipient never even knows. Having given up the burden of anger and hurt, there is a lightness and feeling of freedom in my own heart and soul and that has allowed me to smile and laugh again in a way that I thought might never happen again. There is a block of time several months long from the beginning of all of this that is nothing more than a blur. I remember a few specific things, but if you were to ask me about Christmas that year, I would describe pictures that my dad took...not memories. I didn't start experiencing my own life again until sometime the following Spring. But now...I have hope again. I can love again. I can laugh again...and I can even love and laugh with Mike again. I can't see myself ever being his wife again, but I do and will consider him a friend.
If you read all of that, thank you. I hope it somehow enriches you and inspires you. I wrote it all down because I don't want to forget it, ever. I hope it all makes sense. I didn't write it to say "Oh, look at me, look how good I am..." because I'm not. I know that God worked in me to allow my fallible human heart to experience the divine, and I truly hope that you can experience that miracle, too. It is a mere glimpse, I think, of the wonder of God's grace.
I hope you'll keep praying for Mike, that God will continue to use him to shine a light into the darkness around him. Pray that God will protect him when he starts opening up to the people around him about what he's done. Pray that he holds on to the Rock of Salvation when his body leaves the prison and goes back out into a world where he'll face temptation again. And pray for me, that I never forget or take for granted The God who led me through everything, or the family and friends who incarnated that same God in my life when I couldn't see Him myself.
**Quick Edit**
In spite of the time stamp, I posted this on Tuesday, September 21...it took FOUR DAYS to get it all out! :-)
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Going Home
I'm pretty sure I say this with nearly every post, but...I need to write more often. I haven't posted since the Spring, so this is long overdue. That being said, here's what's been going on over the last three months.
May
Not much happened in May, really, except that I came to a pretty important realization. It finally registered with me that someone I love very much treated me very, very badly. And I finally got ANGRY. I told him so, and he gave me a weak, insincere apology, and I haven't gotten in touch with him since. If he wants to make things right, I'm completely open to it, but it's up to him, and I'm not holding my breath.
That relationship (whatever kind of relationship it was) wouldn't be the first that God put in my life for just a very specific time when I needed it, and then took away again after whatever trial I was going through was over. The best example of that I think would be Kevin Pratt...when we dated, he was dealing with shock from the shootings at his church, and I lost my great uncle, who I was very close to. We sort of helped each other grieve and then when we were both sort of out of the dark, we just stopped dating. We stayed friendly, but the romance just wasn't there anymore. Maybe that's what God was doing with Josh...I don't know...but I sure wish Josh had handled the end of it differently. Oh well! I've suffered worse, as you know.
June
My friends in Jonesboro convinced me to check out ABC's "LOST". Six years ago, when the show first started, I was under the impression that it was a reality show (and I just couldn't figure out why Dominic Monaghan would bother being on a reality show) and, because of that impression, had absolutely no interest in seeing it. But as I said, my friends here made it their mission to get me hooked, and they succeeded. I started watching via Netflix's "instant watch" feature, which was probably a mistake. I got hooked from the start. The way the Netflix thing is set up, at the end of each episode, there's a button for "Watch Next Episode"...and it's way too easy to lose track of time that way. Anyway...that little obsession actually turned out to be a good thing, because the main culprit in getting me hooked started coming over to watch with me, and it has been wonderful having company. His name is Lance, and he's a good guy. We got pretty comfortable with each other, and then, when he heard that my anniversary with Mike was coming up (June 25) he decided to distract me and he took me out to dinner. It was really nice! We were going to go to a movie after that, but the theater was insanely crowded, so we went out for coffee and then came back to my place & watch a couple of episodes of Lost instead. Sometimes friendships start in the strangest ways...and I don't mind it a bit.
July
During the first full week of July, I got up the nerve to take a trip home alone. I drove to Fort Worth by myself - a major feat for me. I usually get incredibly sleepy in the car, even when I'm driving, so I generally try not to drive alone more than an hour and a half or so...and sometimes even that is hard. So...the prospect of a seven hour drive TERRIFIED me. I did it, though, with no trouble at all on the way home! I detoured down to Bullard, Texas, before going to Fort Worth. Ken & Natalie & their girls live there, and I desperately wanted to see my sweet Alexis. I love that little girl more than I can possibly express. I can only imagine how much I will love my own children some day! It was wonderful to see the Collinses...they're wonderful friends! I only stayed one night, but I didn't think Alexis was going to let me leave. I think the sweetest moment for me during that stay was in the middle of the night. Everybody was asleep, and Alexis started having a bad dream. I was sleeping in her room & she was sort of whimpering, which woke me up. I didn't want to wake her up, but I hated that she was scared, so I started softly humming the lullaby I used to sing to her when she was a baby. She calmed down right away and slept peacefully the rest of the night. I can't wait to do that for my own babies! It made me really happy that her sleeping mind recognized that lullaby :-)
On Sunday, I went into Fort Worth. It was SO GOOD to be home! That night, I got to meet some of Kat & Nico's neighbors, and that was a LOT of fun. We played Catchphrase, and I think that PEZ candies will forever make me laugh. Ask me why sometime, if you weren't there :-)
The next day, we celebrated Kat's birthday & I got to see her family, which was great. Made me feel old to see her (not so) little brother...I can't believe how tall he is & how deep his voice is. I remember him being born & now I'm pretty sure he's taller than me. Time flies!
On Tuesday, I met up with Sara for lunch. Brooklyn has grown so much since I met her in January, and she is absolutely precious. She looks just like her Mama, but with a darker complexion & adorable black ringlet curls all around her adorably chubby little face. She giggled while I held her and just stole my heart away. Sara said she usually screams when other people hold her, so I feel pretty special. After lunch, I went to the Botanic Gardens & wandered around for a while. The Conservatory is such a neat area of the Gardens, & I hadn't been there in a long time, so I went in there first, and that was a treat! Then, I wandered around in one of the outdoor gardens, and found a new area, too...a boardwalk devoted to educating people about native plants versus invaders, native animal species...lots of neat stuff.
After I left the Gardens, I met up with two of my old friends & their kids. It was great to catch up with Zac & Susan, and to meet baby Micah, and especially to finally meet Zac's son, Eathen. I've been praying for that little boy for as long as I've known he even existed, and it was wonderful to see him healthy and happy after his transplant.
Wednesday was a lot of fun...Kathy, Ashley, and I had lunch at the Camp Bowie Antique Mall (or, rather, at the Rose Garden Tearoom inside it) and then Kat & I looked around at all the neat old stuff. There was a lot that I would have loved to buy if I'd had the funds! I *did* spring for the cookbook, and am looking forward to trying my hand at some of the recipes, and I also got a bag of the tea because it was SO good. Seriously...best tea I've ever had. I'm glad Kat found the bag & mailed it to me last week! Kat and I pretty much spent the whole day shopping, which was actually fun, since I'm not limited to one store anymore, and Kat has an inherent sense of style & kept shoving stuff at me to try :-) I came out with a top (I still need to remove that liner...), a cute belt, and a fun purse that I've carried pretty much every day since. That night, I joined Kat & Ashley at their housechurch for a game night & surprise birthday celebration for Kat. I loved it! Beautiful group of people & I hope to get to know them myself.
On Thursday, I spent most of the day with Sara. I slept in, and then when I got up, I went to her apartment. We finally got to exchange Christmas gifts, haha! We mostly sat around & talked, and went for a brief bike ride, then went to pick up Cameron & took him to a Cats game. He'd never been to one, so it was a treat to introduce him to it! He got to meet Dodger, which was cool, even if Sara kept making (pardon the coming pun) cat calls at Dodger, trying to set me up. The Cats won, Cameron got to run the bases with the other kids in attendance, and in spite of the drizzly rain, Sara and I had a lot of fun!
Friday meant brunch with Becky, who I hadn't seen in about seven years. Becky, Sara, and I were inseparable as kids, but Becky & I had a falling out around age 16, but we've mended :-) We met up at Mimi's Cafe (who has the BEST muffins in the WORLD...ohmygosh...the Buttermilk Spice ones are heaven!) We got to catch up a bit & we had fun just talking. The rest of the day was a lazy day, I think mostly due to the storm that rolled in. I watched it coming in & got some neat pictures before Unagi (Kat & Nico's 80 lb boxer) got up in my lap! He snoozed, and I read a book for a while & drifted off a bit myself. At some point on Friday, Nico took me out for pho (pronounced "fuh"; it's Vietnamese rice noodle soup). I've heard of pho for a long time but this was the first chance I've ever had to try it. SO GOOD.
In the evening, I went over to Ashley's for a movie night. My old friend David crashed the girls' night, which was fine with me...I hadn't seen him in ages! He brought sandwich stuff; Ashley cooked melts with it & had cookies made, too. We watched Valentine's Day, which was cute, and then Kat came in & we all watched Leap Year, which was also really cute :-) I love my girls!
On Saturday, after taking Kat & Nico to the airport at like 3 am, I slept in a bit, then went over to the Kimbell Museum. They recently added a very special piece to their permanent collection: Michelangelo Buonarotti's "The Torment of Saint Anthony". It is Michelangelo's first painting, and the first of his work to enter an American collection. Pretty cool! It was a special experience to see it. I LOVE the richness that Fort Worth possesses in terms of art and culture. The museums are just wonderful. There are lots of different ethnicities in the city...when Nico took me for pho, it was like a Little Vietnam...definitely not something I'm likely to find in Arkansas. Downtown is beautiful, packed with art galleries and unique restaurants of all different kinds...I love my hometown. Anyway...Saturday night, I went down to Crowley to watch fireworks with Sara & her family. It was a great evening! I've known her whole family my whole life and I loved being with them that night.
I spent the night with Ashley that night & went to church with her on Sunday. The Exchange was certainly different from any services I've been to before. The sermon was good & the people are great, though, and I'm very glad I went! We had lunch at what turned out to be a great barbeque place, and then I grudgingly packed up & came back to Arkansas.
The rest of July was fairly dull, except that I spent a LOT of time with Lance. I've cooked for him a couple of times, we've been out to dinner a few times, and we finished LOST. Our time together will be at an end after this week, though...he's moving away :-( I've been very glad for his companionship this summer & will miss him a lot.
In spite of the length of this post, I've had a lot of time with nothing to do, so I've been thinking a lot. I feel like there are lots of signs pointing me home to Fort Worth. My current job has been a blessing at a time I needed it, but it isn't a career for me by any means, and I've grown increasingly restless in it. Being in Fort Worth just felt RIGHT. The closest of my friends here have all moved away, or will be soon. I never wanted to live in Arkansas to begin with. I think I'm at a point where I'll be alright living on my own (though it's still a scary prospect!) and I just feel like I need to go home at this point. I really do. So, I'm going home. I'm looking for a job, working up my resume, and hoping to get home very, very soon. Pray for me!
May
Not much happened in May, really, except that I came to a pretty important realization. It finally registered with me that someone I love very much treated me very, very badly. And I finally got ANGRY. I told him so, and he gave me a weak, insincere apology, and I haven't gotten in touch with him since. If he wants to make things right, I'm completely open to it, but it's up to him, and I'm not holding my breath.
That relationship (whatever kind of relationship it was) wouldn't be the first that God put in my life for just a very specific time when I needed it, and then took away again after whatever trial I was going through was over. The best example of that I think would be Kevin Pratt...when we dated, he was dealing with shock from the shootings at his church, and I lost my great uncle, who I was very close to. We sort of helped each other grieve and then when we were both sort of out of the dark, we just stopped dating. We stayed friendly, but the romance just wasn't there anymore. Maybe that's what God was doing with Josh...I don't know...but I sure wish Josh had handled the end of it differently. Oh well! I've suffered worse, as you know.
June
My friends in Jonesboro convinced me to check out ABC's "LOST". Six years ago, when the show first started, I was under the impression that it was a reality show (and I just couldn't figure out why Dominic Monaghan would bother being on a reality show) and, because of that impression, had absolutely no interest in seeing it. But as I said, my friends here made it their mission to get me hooked, and they succeeded. I started watching via Netflix's "instant watch" feature, which was probably a mistake. I got hooked from the start. The way the Netflix thing is set up, at the end of each episode, there's a button for "Watch Next Episode"...and it's way too easy to lose track of time that way. Anyway...that little obsession actually turned out to be a good thing, because the main culprit in getting me hooked started coming over to watch with me, and it has been wonderful having company. His name is Lance, and he's a good guy. We got pretty comfortable with each other, and then, when he heard that my anniversary with Mike was coming up (June 25) he decided to distract me and he took me out to dinner. It was really nice! We were going to go to a movie after that, but the theater was insanely crowded, so we went out for coffee and then came back to my place & watch a couple of episodes of Lost instead. Sometimes friendships start in the strangest ways...and I don't mind it a bit.
July
During the first full week of July, I got up the nerve to take a trip home alone. I drove to Fort Worth by myself - a major feat for me. I usually get incredibly sleepy in the car, even when I'm driving, so I generally try not to drive alone more than an hour and a half or so...and sometimes even that is hard. So...the prospect of a seven hour drive TERRIFIED me. I did it, though, with no trouble at all on the way home! I detoured down to Bullard, Texas, before going to Fort Worth. Ken & Natalie & their girls live there, and I desperately wanted to see my sweet Alexis. I love that little girl more than I can possibly express. I can only imagine how much I will love my own children some day! It was wonderful to see the Collinses...they're wonderful friends! I only stayed one night, but I didn't think Alexis was going to let me leave. I think the sweetest moment for me during that stay was in the middle of the night. Everybody was asleep, and Alexis started having a bad dream. I was sleeping in her room & she was sort of whimpering, which woke me up. I didn't want to wake her up, but I hated that she was scared, so I started softly humming the lullaby I used to sing to her when she was a baby. She calmed down right away and slept peacefully the rest of the night. I can't wait to do that for my own babies! It made me really happy that her sleeping mind recognized that lullaby :-)
On Sunday, I went into Fort Worth. It was SO GOOD to be home! That night, I got to meet some of Kat & Nico's neighbors, and that was a LOT of fun. We played Catchphrase, and I think that PEZ candies will forever make me laugh. Ask me why sometime, if you weren't there :-)
The next day, we celebrated Kat's birthday & I got to see her family, which was great. Made me feel old to see her (not so) little brother...I can't believe how tall he is & how deep his voice is. I remember him being born & now I'm pretty sure he's taller than me. Time flies!
On Tuesday, I met up with Sara for lunch. Brooklyn has grown so much since I met her in January, and she is absolutely precious. She looks just like her Mama, but with a darker complexion & adorable black ringlet curls all around her adorably chubby little face. She giggled while I held her and just stole my heart away. Sara said she usually screams when other people hold her, so I feel pretty special. After lunch, I went to the Botanic Gardens & wandered around for a while. The Conservatory is such a neat area of the Gardens, & I hadn't been there in a long time, so I went in there first, and that was a treat! Then, I wandered around in one of the outdoor gardens, and found a new area, too...a boardwalk devoted to educating people about native plants versus invaders, native animal species...lots of neat stuff.
After I left the Gardens, I met up with two of my old friends & their kids. It was great to catch up with Zac & Susan, and to meet baby Micah, and especially to finally meet Zac's son, Eathen. I've been praying for that little boy for as long as I've known he even existed, and it was wonderful to see him healthy and happy after his transplant.
Wednesday was a lot of fun...Kathy, Ashley, and I had lunch at the Camp Bowie Antique Mall (or, rather, at the Rose Garden Tearoom inside it) and then Kat & I looked around at all the neat old stuff. There was a lot that I would have loved to buy if I'd had the funds! I *did* spring for the cookbook, and am looking forward to trying my hand at some of the recipes, and I also got a bag of the tea because it was SO good. Seriously...best tea I've ever had. I'm glad Kat found the bag & mailed it to me last week! Kat and I pretty much spent the whole day shopping, which was actually fun, since I'm not limited to one store anymore, and Kat has an inherent sense of style & kept shoving stuff at me to try :-) I came out with a top (I still need to remove that liner...), a cute belt, and a fun purse that I've carried pretty much every day since. That night, I joined Kat & Ashley at their housechurch for a game night & surprise birthday celebration for Kat. I loved it! Beautiful group of people & I hope to get to know them myself.
On Thursday, I spent most of the day with Sara. I slept in, and then when I got up, I went to her apartment. We finally got to exchange Christmas gifts, haha! We mostly sat around & talked, and went for a brief bike ride, then went to pick up Cameron & took him to a Cats game. He'd never been to one, so it was a treat to introduce him to it! He got to meet Dodger, which was cool, even if Sara kept making (pardon the coming pun) cat calls at Dodger, trying to set me up. The Cats won, Cameron got to run the bases with the other kids in attendance, and in spite of the drizzly rain, Sara and I had a lot of fun!
Friday meant brunch with Becky, who I hadn't seen in about seven years. Becky, Sara, and I were inseparable as kids, but Becky & I had a falling out around age 16, but we've mended :-) We met up at Mimi's Cafe (who has the BEST muffins in the WORLD...ohmygosh...the Buttermilk Spice ones are heaven!) We got to catch up a bit & we had fun just talking. The rest of the day was a lazy day, I think mostly due to the storm that rolled in. I watched it coming in & got some neat pictures before Unagi (Kat & Nico's 80 lb boxer) got up in my lap! He snoozed, and I read a book for a while & drifted off a bit myself. At some point on Friday, Nico took me out for pho (pronounced "fuh"; it's Vietnamese rice noodle soup). I've heard of pho for a long time but this was the first chance I've ever had to try it. SO GOOD.
In the evening, I went over to Ashley's for a movie night. My old friend David crashed the girls' night, which was fine with me...I hadn't seen him in ages! He brought sandwich stuff; Ashley cooked melts with it & had cookies made, too. We watched Valentine's Day, which was cute, and then Kat came in & we all watched Leap Year, which was also really cute :-) I love my girls!
On Saturday, after taking Kat & Nico to the airport at like 3 am, I slept in a bit, then went over to the Kimbell Museum. They recently added a very special piece to their permanent collection: Michelangelo Buonarotti's "The Torment of Saint Anthony". It is Michelangelo's first painting, and the first of his work to enter an American collection. Pretty cool! It was a special experience to see it. I LOVE the richness that Fort Worth possesses in terms of art and culture. The museums are just wonderful. There are lots of different ethnicities in the city...when Nico took me for pho, it was like a Little Vietnam...definitely not something I'm likely to find in Arkansas. Downtown is beautiful, packed with art galleries and unique restaurants of all different kinds...I love my hometown. Anyway...Saturday night, I went down to Crowley to watch fireworks with Sara & her family. It was a great evening! I've known her whole family my whole life and I loved being with them that night.
I spent the night with Ashley that night & went to church with her on Sunday. The Exchange was certainly different from any services I've been to before. The sermon was good & the people are great, though, and I'm very glad I went! We had lunch at what turned out to be a great barbeque place, and then I grudgingly packed up & came back to Arkansas.
The rest of July was fairly dull, except that I spent a LOT of time with Lance. I've cooked for him a couple of times, we've been out to dinner a few times, and we finished LOST. Our time together will be at an end after this week, though...he's moving away :-( I've been very glad for his companionship this summer & will miss him a lot.
In spite of the length of this post, I've had a lot of time with nothing to do, so I've been thinking a lot. I feel like there are lots of signs pointing me home to Fort Worth. My current job has been a blessing at a time I needed it, but it isn't a career for me by any means, and I've grown increasingly restless in it. Being in Fort Worth just felt RIGHT. The closest of my friends here have all moved away, or will be soon. I never wanted to live in Arkansas to begin with. I think I'm at a point where I'll be alright living on my own (though it's still a scary prospect!) and I just feel like I need to go home at this point. I really do. So, I'm going home. I'm looking for a job, working up my resume, and hoping to get home very, very soon. Pray for me!
Sunday, January 31, 2010
On a different note...
I finished a letter today that a year ago, I would absolutely not have even considered writing. I hope it was the right thing to do, and I hope that the level of forgiveness it required of me is a level I can remain at. I don't want to send this thing and look back and regret it.
Jonesboro has thrown some crazy weather at me since moving here. 2009 broke the rainfall record that was 160-something years old, resulting in my apartment flooding twice, and puddling a third time. I think Karen & Terry's contractor got things fixed, but we'll just have to see next time we have crazy rain, as I'm sure we will coming into Spring. Two days ago, we broke the snowfall record, apparently. Terry said that the record was 3" in one day, set back in the 1960s, but two days ago, we got SEVEN inches in one day! That's the most snow this Texas girl has ever seen. The snow was preceded by freezing rain, so my car had a layer of ice literally a half-inch thick. It was insane! Everything is so pretty right now, though...the snow looks like a coat made up of billions of diamonds laid out in the sun.
Last week, I attended Lifegroup for the first time...Southwest breaks into house churches except for Sunday morning worship, and I finally went last Sunday. I intended to try a different one Tuesday night, but it just didn't work out. Tonight, the one I went to last week canceled because of the ice, but I'm hoping that Tuesday night will work this week. It's the only way I know to make friends around here...I just hope that there are some singles in this group. All the married couples I've been meeting are sweet...but since I didn't know them before they formed families, it's hard to call & try to make plans because I'd feel like I was imposing on their time together. I wouldn't feel weird if they invited me, but my taking the lead just doesn't feel right. Maybe I'm being silly about that...I don't know. But I want some single girlfriends who I can call & go see a chick-flick with. I want a guy who'll go out for coffee with me & not expect anything more than that but who'll hug me for a while when I just need to feel a man's arms around me. I'll get there one of these days.
I'm filled with a deep desire to go home, too. Being in Fort Worth for just those few days made an already-present want into something desperate and immediate in a way that it hadn't been before. From the time I left Fort Worth to go to Harding, my plan was to go to school and then come back home to stay. When my parents changed that, it was still my plan, always, to move back home as soon as I could. Life got in the way and delayed me, but now...I'm in no hurry to cast aside the blessings that have been dropped in my lap...I know that my job and my apartment are pretty spectacular gifts. I also know that I can't stay in either of them forever, and wouldn't want to...I want to find a job I love in a city I love and have a home of my own. So, that's my goal at this point...get my life in order and figure out what I want to be now that I'm grown up, and then work toward going home.
This was a sporadic post; I'm sorry. Just lots of little things that I wanted to voice, as much to myself as anyone else.
Jonesboro has thrown some crazy weather at me since moving here. 2009 broke the rainfall record that was 160-something years old, resulting in my apartment flooding twice, and puddling a third time. I think Karen & Terry's contractor got things fixed, but we'll just have to see next time we have crazy rain, as I'm sure we will coming into Spring. Two days ago, we broke the snowfall record, apparently. Terry said that the record was 3" in one day, set back in the 1960s, but two days ago, we got SEVEN inches in one day! That's the most snow this Texas girl has ever seen. The snow was preceded by freezing rain, so my car had a layer of ice literally a half-inch thick. It was insane! Everything is so pretty right now, though...the snow looks like a coat made up of billions of diamonds laid out in the sun.
Last week, I attended Lifegroup for the first time...Southwest breaks into house churches except for Sunday morning worship, and I finally went last Sunday. I intended to try a different one Tuesday night, but it just didn't work out. Tonight, the one I went to last week canceled because of the ice, but I'm hoping that Tuesday night will work this week. It's the only way I know to make friends around here...I just hope that there are some singles in this group. All the married couples I've been meeting are sweet...but since I didn't know them before they formed families, it's hard to call & try to make plans because I'd feel like I was imposing on their time together. I wouldn't feel weird if they invited me, but my taking the lead just doesn't feel right. Maybe I'm being silly about that...I don't know. But I want some single girlfriends who I can call & go see a chick-flick with. I want a guy who'll go out for coffee with me & not expect anything more than that but who'll hug me for a while when I just need to feel a man's arms around me. I'll get there one of these days.
I'm filled with a deep desire to go home, too. Being in Fort Worth for just those few days made an already-present want into something desperate and immediate in a way that it hadn't been before. From the time I left Fort Worth to go to Harding, my plan was to go to school and then come back home to stay. When my parents changed that, it was still my plan, always, to move back home as soon as I could. Life got in the way and delayed me, but now...I'm in no hurry to cast aside the blessings that have been dropped in my lap...I know that my job and my apartment are pretty spectacular gifts. I also know that I can't stay in either of them forever, and wouldn't want to...I want to find a job I love in a city I love and have a home of my own. So, that's my goal at this point...get my life in order and figure out what I want to be now that I'm grown up, and then work toward going home.
This was a sporadic post; I'm sorry. Just lots of little things that I wanted to voice, as much to myself as anyone else.
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